Greetings

[InsideOut]

Hi everybody. At the moment I strongly suspect I have CPTSD. My symptoms pretty much line right up with it. I have struggled for many years now with an evolving diagnosis. First adult ADD, then Bipolar II. The psychiatrist I'm seeing now has begun to point out that much of my issues are based in anxiety, which got me thinking about that a lot. I read a little bit about anxiety disorders, and they seemed to match a little better than BPD (a diagnosis about which I've always been a little doubtful). I can't remember how that led to the idea of PTSD, but I found myself reading a book about it, and feeling what seemed like, for the first time, the 'right' resonance with what I'm dealing with.

I have spent my adulthood rebuilding myself from the ground up, and it's something I'm actually pretty proud of. I have improved myself, built a good career, gotten better at dealing with people, and have been treating my mental health issues for almost a decade now. Given the * that was my family while I was growing up, I feel privileged to have survived without more severe damage. These are all good things, but while reading about PTSD I realized that this also involved conveniently forgetting (consciously) about my traumatic upbringing. I thought this was a good thing, to move on, to not obsess over the past. But I asked myself, am I really able to remember specific things? Even if I try? The answer surprised me. It was no. I do remember a few "highlights," and those memories have survived, but otherwise the rest of it is lodged away somewhere. I also am, I'll say, lovably, scatter-brained. I have big problems with recall, and forget little things all the time. It is hard for me to concentrate, especially around others. Just a few of the many things described as PTSD symptoms that are very familiar to me. In fact I remembered a time when a different psychiatrist asked me specific questions about my tumultuous upbringing, and I couldn't really do it. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Now I suspect I know why I felt that way.

It might surprise you to read it, but this has made me happy. Because there are ways to treat PTSD, and because the treatment I'm getting now doesn't fit quite right. Like an off-the-rack suit. It does the job, but not quite. At this stage I am very hopeful. The BPD diagnosis felt like a prison (only because I felt ashamed of it, because of reasons you can guess). Perhaps also because treating it didn't do as much as I'd hoped. Now I have a new angle, a new possibility to examine. I plan to discuss this with my psychiatrist at my next appointment. Though it's not DSM stuff, I have a feeling he will understand. He's one of the good ones.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi InsideOut 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. Quite a history of different, switching and evolving diagnosis you have had. I'm glad that you now feel cPTSD covers a lot what you experience and you feel it's a good fit.

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us.
In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences, if you haven't read it already. It appears you already have quite some understanding of cPTSD, but I'd still like to point out a few highlights for you:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

It's great you feel so energized by the knowledge that PTSD is treatable, and probably the treatment will be a much better fit than the ones you got for your previous diagnosis. I can relate a bit, as before I stumbled on this site (and the concept of complex PTSD ) I was actually in a diagnosis process where first an Anxiety Disorder was ruled out, then I took a SCID-II test to see if I could have a Personality Disorder, which came out negative (Yay!  ), and then I found this that resonated strongly.
I too felt a sense of relief, in a way similar to your "It might surprise you to read it, but this has made me happy" I gather.
And it's wonderful and valuable that you feel so comfortable with your psychiatrist.

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you additional comfort and may be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

NB: Last but not least I want to point out our Guidelines for All Members and Guests to you.