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[Hermione]

Hi. I'm Hermione and I'm 23 years old. I went No-Contact from my dad just over one year ago to escape his abuse and violence. For most of my life I worked tirelessly to keep my dad happy. I have brief, dreamlike memories of early childhood that was free of abuse, but my father (who is undiagnosed, though I have begged him to see a professional) slowly grew into an aggressive, manipulative, controlling nightmare. The abuse ranged from physical to emotional to verbal, though he is skilled at gaslighting, so it took many years for me to realize that his behaviour was wrong and unmerited.

It doesn't help that my mother, who I begged for shelter and security, has been so traumatized by his abuse that she no longer can properly differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. When I was 12, and my father put his hand around my neck, pushed me against the wall and chocked me so hard my feet didn't touch the floor; my mom was so shocked she could only scream his name. She rushed to my side and promised it would never happen again as he left the room. The abuse and violence is intertwined with my father's adulterous relationship, which I discovered by reading one of his text messages when I was 16. He promised he would come clean to my mother, but he didn't. I became reclusive but neither of my parents gave me any help. My mother only found out about his adultery when I accidentally told her, thinking she already knew. When I was 20 and my father went on a screaming rampage, punched me, slapped my mother, and kicked one of my sisters to the ground, repeatedly kicking her in the stomach, my mother just sobbed for us to get in the car so he wouldn't become angrier. That was the day I called my uncle to come pick us up, as my two younger sisters cried in the car with me and looked at me for guidance. My mother had forbade me from telling anyone about my real life--my father's abuse, alcoholism, and adultery--but I finally reached out for help. We stayed with my uncle and aunt for a weekend, but they have 3 kids of their own. They were shocked and frightened, with no training on how to handle such a situation. My sisters and I went back home and had banded together to change our lives. Months later, even though I had dictated a family meeting in which my father promised to seek professional help for his behaviour right after that weekend occurred, we were back in the abuse cycle. I realized we had never left.

In the span of those two years until the present, I married and left my parents' home. My middle sister went away for school, but my youngest sister remains caught in that abusive home, guilted there by my mother and the FOG that comes with such an upbringing. Everyday, I find myself reeling in the aftermath of my upbringing. It is not even aftermath: I am faced with effects / remnants / memories / hauntings / encounters of my past trauma every single day. I cannot fall asleep unless my husband reads to me or I am in a moving vehicle with him driving, because my nightmares are vivid and self-deprecating thoughts never-ending.

Last Thanksgiving, 5 months after I had married and moved out, my sisters opened up to me a frightening news flash: since I had left, my father had no one to be held accountable to. He came and went as he pleased, never telling of his whereabouts. His anger, mistreatment, and gaslighting was worse than ever. My mother was becoming more and more verbally and emotionally abusive, but would dramatically become a helpless victim who needed to be parented by my siblings in the aftermath of every encounter with my father. When my sisters and I had an intervention with my father that Thanksgiving day, which also happened to be his birthday, he walked out of the conversation and didn't return for many days. He called his own family, whom we were to be hosting at our house, and tired to cancel the holiday celebrations. My mother begged us to help her cover it all up, and she's been trying to force that duty upon us ever since.

I received counselling all of last year, but ended it abruptly once summer came. In school it was free, but I couldn't afford it otherwise. I am thinking of making another appointment because I made such great strides in getting better with my counselor. She helped me define my boundaries and make the decision to go No-Contact. After a season of no counselling, I am beginning to see the effects of not having an objective person to talk to, but I am afraid of becoming dependent on the tool.

It was literally today that I read about C-PTSD, but instantly I knew this was the diagnosis I have been searching for since going No-Contact with my father and begun reconciliation and healing with my own soul. As I think through ways I still need to change, I see how badly I need to stop hiding my upbringing from everyone. My husband and a few relatives and close friends know, but every time I abide by my mother's pleads to keep it all a secret I am enabling my father to live in a  a way I do not condone. I am struggling with going No-Contact with my mother as well, because her behaviour is spiralling out of control. I can't trust her in any way. I have increased my boundaries with her without telling her because I know she won't take it without screaming and more emotional/verbal abuse.

This post is much longer than anticipated but I am thankful for a new community who will understand my pain and attempts at healing. Thank you for reading my story.

[wednesday]

Thank you for sharing! I am glad you are here!

[arpy1]

you sound like a very strong person, Hermione.  and with a very difficult situation. much support to you 

[Trees]

Welcome to the site, Hermione.  Your tales of the FOO are harrowing, and they remind me of my own FOO.  For me, going NC was necessary, but of course it is never easy!

I hope you will stay in touch here and read around the site to see how others are dealing with similar situations. 

You do deserve safety, and also love and comfort and respect.  Here we try to keep reminding each other of that as we remake our lives and even our entire mental landscapes.

Please keep trying to take good care of yourself.  All the best to you on your journey, and many hugs!