Self sabotage, feeling stuck.

[Bimsy]

Hi everyone!

I have felt in my past life that as soon as life starts to get better I self sabotage because I don't know what to do when life is good.
Or maybe I just can't cope with the fact that I am the only one standing in the way of my progress so it's easier to create some other obstacle to overcome.
I thought I was over this behaviour but unfortunately I think it's still there, I didn't realize until just now that I've been self sabotaging again.
I don't eat properly and I am tired all the time.
I take anti depressants mostly because I know I'll become suicidal if I don't take them, though I am not really sure if I still am depressed or if I've been depressed for so long that I've gotten used to it.
My meds don't make me tired though, they stimulate dopamine instead of serotonin and I feel quite "normal" when I take them.
I can feel happy and comfortable but somehow I always go back into feeling bad again at times..
It's like I am repeating my mothers bipolar kind of pattern, sometimes I get new energy and think that I'll fix my life and eat healthy but it never stays that way.
My meds make my mouth dry and I lose appetite very easily if my food isn't tasty enough so I often resort into eating candy or other sweet or salty things that are easy to eat.

Recently I tried seeing a therapist but she was so old and boring and didn't really say anything.
And while she was thinking of an answer to give me she rolled her eyes, I just felt like she was bored with her job.
Though I am not sure what kind of therapy I need, just that I want to get forward and not just talk about my childhood, I'd like to do some changes in my life.

Though I'd hate to see a therapist that keeps asking me what I could do about my problems, I can do that myself.
I just feel I need some more guidance from someone who is educated and know how complex emotions can get in my way when I try to "create my own destiny".

Do you have any advice for me?
I feel stuck sometimes though I know that it's just a feeling, I'm not really stuck but.. then again I am.





(It could be that I am feeling this way because it's christmas soon.. I've felt these past years that all I want to do for christmas is to get drunk.
Though I am visiting a friends family for christmas so I won't be too drunk.. I think.
I can't handle booze, at least that's what people keep saying behind my back.
I get tired and nasious really quick.)

[Butterfly]

What works for me as far as therapists is asking for a phone consultation. It was sort of like an interview where I asked each therapist the same questions such as what was their approach, what can I expect in the first few sessions, things like this. It help me get a feel for where they were in their methods and their voice and pace of conversation.

Another thing I did was research the therapists ahead of time on medical and psychology websites. They often list their specialty, their approach, and other helpful information to figure out if it's a good fit.

Maybe one or both of those ideas it's helpful for you as well.

As far as self sabotaging I know what you mean and for a long time I was stuck to feeling I didn't deserve happiness or freedom. The fear obligation and guilt along with all the cPTSD symptoms kept me stuck. This was an interesting article https://stopstressweight.com/is-stress-causing-your-weight-gain/ The self-help exercise at the end of the article helped me.

Hope you find something that works for you.

[tired]

I do that and I think it's because my mother would always react negatively whenever I did something well/right or whenever I was happy. When I learned photography she got jealous and depressed. When I was pretty she got hostile and when I started a business she said "people like us aren't cut out for business".  My success is her failure.  I feel guilty when things go well because it hurts her and so I have to balance it out.

[Bimsy]

Thanks for the link Butterfly! I'll try and follow what it says even though my head is like: 

And I know the feel, tired, my mother was just like that.
I think I felt like that too before I came out of the destructive patterns, it was like no one around me could be successful because then it made me feel worse about my own failure.
Talk about enmeshing the whole environment into oneself!