Hello world.

[banjosaxophone]

I am in the midst of struggling to recover from CPTSD with boughts of recurrent depression. It's especially challenging because I live in New York City, which is stressful, and am a PhD student, which is extra stressful. I've been seeing a wonderful therapist for about three years now and have made progress.

I struggle so much with the constant anxiety, fear that my friends will all of a sudden decide they hate me, self loathing, feeling helpless, unwanted, and intense perfectionism with my work. In many ways I feel like pursuing a career as an academic scientist exacerbates these symptoms, but I really love what I do. I'm trying to make it work, and diligently maintain my hope and optimism that I will improve. Sometimes it is just so hard.

It is easy to see how I ended up here. My parents divorced and spent most of their energy hating each other, and very little on loving me and my siblings. My mother was an alcoholic and we lived on the brink of poverty. My father remarried a woman with borderline personality disorder, whom he refused to protect us from when she would get "in one of her moods."

The harder work is staying hopeful. Holding on to some shred of belief that things will get better during rough patches. Wishing it was possible to avoid those rough patches. It is so easy to slip into intense self loathing and depression, and so much harder to give myself heart felt reminders that I am loved, and wanted, and good.

I hope to find here are community of people facing the same struggles and to share ideas on how to really heal.

Many thanks to those of you who made and maintain this site. It's difficult to find people to talk about this with who will really understand.

[tired]

This site is a place where I can be reminded by others of what I already "know".  That even though I sometimes feel worthless I'm really not and I do have an internal sense of who I am, really.  Others serve as a kind of mirror. 

[Trees]

Hi banjosaxophone, welcome to the site.     Yes, that self-loathing sure can be hard to bear!   You deserved to be showered with love as a child, and it is such a tragedy that that did not happen.  But you are a good person, worthy of love and safety and respect, and I hope that every visit to this site will help you to love that neglected child that you were.

All the best to you in your journey, and big hugs.