Dazed and Stunned to find others like me

[Survivor]

Hi,

I have four older siblings with personality disorders (one recovering) and am the daughter of a Narcissistic mother.
My mother always controlled every aspect of my relationship with my father. She was nothing short of disruptive of the only childhood bond I had, and my two oldest sisters followed her example. My father was always in fear of the drama and literally protected himself alone, leaving me out there to suffer whatever came my way.

Knowing, I could never spend time with my father without including my mother, I asked my Dad to teach me to swim at 44 years of age so I could do a triathalon. They both met me at the pool twice a week, and I had coffee with them afterwards to reward my mother for the time she allowed me to have with 'her husband'. It was very bonding and I soon began to realize my mother had alzheimers. Her illness was a blessing, because she couldn't calcuate revenge and set me up when she felt rejected anymore.

I alerted my older siblings that Mom had a problem, and one day my oldest sister flew into town and within three days moved them (using heavy manipulation and guilt) into senior housing. Like a true narcissist, my sister had more important things to do than move them with any dignity. She couldn't 'trust' them to me or the other sister who lived near them, because SHE knows bests.
She seemed downright hostile when I dared voice reservations about how fast she was moving them and the pressure she was using to force them along. In the process of moving boxes (to prove he wasn't old) my father had a serious heart attack.

When my father was going under the knife, my sister blew into town for a couple days. She didn't stay to help with his recovery, having to get back to her important job as a politian in a small town, leaving me to be 'her man on the ground' during his surgery and recovery. I deeply resented it. She took credit for everything I did for them, making statements like, "I couldn't have done it without my man on the ground" - as if SHE were doing things. The truth is, she wasn't even emotionally supportive of me.

Every time, I called her for help, she invalidated me and acted like I was over reacting. It wasn't until her brother in law, a cardiologist, told her our father was probably dieing (based on what I was telling her) that she even thought about helping me. In her mind, a cardiologist's opinion was far more valuable than mine, not because of his profession, but because of his status. That's how my sister operates. Thankfully, her brother in law advised she notify my father's surgen, and my father was rushed to the hospital with a collapsed lung. She then took credit for saving him with the help of her 'man on the ground.'
When the rest of the family thanked ME, I knew we were going to have problems, and we have ever since. Over the past few years she's been punishing me (she's the power of attorney) by excluding me from all major decisions regarding my Parents. I learned she took all my father's money out of his bank account, to block him from buying a car, when HE called me crying and begging me to help him sue her. I had to confront her (not an easy thing with a narcissist) suggesting a process that included my Dad  testing with the DMV and then us simply telling him he couldn't drive if he didn't pass. She threw our other sister under the bus, and it all got dropped as my father adjusted to life without a car. I never had to take him in.

The newest development is that I found out from a perfect stranger who works at their senior housing facility that she's moving them out of their home town of 50 years to the small town she dominates because I don't visit them enough.
I confronted her and she sounded furious that I knew, asking, "who told you!" After several rounds of her turning the tables on me, twisting my words, and setting me up like my good old mom used to do, I decided to finally cut her, and my other sister who helped her hide it from me, out of my life. I called the Ombudsman to investigate whats going on and I told her so. The Ombudsman said, they would sit down with my parents and ask what THEY want.
She keeps sending texts deliberately trying to push my buttons, saying one thing and then the complete opposite. She keeps pretending she's utterly hurt and confused by my growing frustration. When I get into it with her, she twists my words like an emotional kung fu master, sending me away furious.
I'm hoping I can find some support as I move on with my life. There will be more scuffles as I've decided I cannot let them take my parents without a fight, unless my father tells me he wishes to go of course. I decided I must slow her down and prevent him from being strong armed again by this insensitive person. I must admit, I'm shaking in my boots, but I'm ready to do this. There will be high drama, I will just have to endure.

I'm hoping to get whatever support I can find from those who understand. I've been spiraling into a depression and have been diagnosed with CPTSD, something I began to work on after my father's surgury almost tanked my life. Rapid Eye Movement Therapy has helped, but I need more support. My husband is also very insensitive, and he is a whole other story. I want to be free of these vampires once and for all, but I keep getting sucked in by them in every aspect of my life. I MUST have something to do with it and I want to get better.

Thanks if you read this far

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Survivor  ,

Thanks for your thorough introduction. Quite a lot you have, and have had on your plate.
You have made great steps in the past years, and have made some big changes in your relationships with your Family Of Origin. That is stressful, I can relate.

I hope and wish you'll find some of the support you want here on the site, and I'm confident you will.

Welcome, and I'm looking forward to seeing you around.



PS: If your name is [edit: whatever it was  ] in real life as well, we suggest you change it on the site here to protect your privacy. A bit more anonymous nickname may contribute to a bigger sense of safety for you.

[Survivor]

Thank you!

I will change my name

[Dutch Uncle]

 

And welcome again, Survivor.