Came here from Out of Fog forum...New member. Here is my story.

[breakingfree]

Hi,
I started in Out of Fog forum and it was recommended I come here. I agree. I have known about my CPTSD for many years: at the onset of a crisis 10 years ago (untimely death of a cherished sibling) - the glimmers of understanding for what I endured growing began then as I found a grief counselor to help me through the long term illness and loss. But it's taken years to fully know the entire breadth of my trauma and two years ago it all came crashing down in me.

My FOO is half BPD and half have no personality disorder. So I guess I have that going for me. Unfortunately: the disordered half just don't quit and some of them have even folded into what I am guessing is white collar criminal element as well. Thereby making them even more tougher to shake off.  I went no contact two to three years ago. Because I could not endure the abuse any more and was desperate to get relief. I was also coping with the demise of my 20 + year marriage because I had learned my spouse was high functioning autistic and he knew the entire marriage but chose not tell me. I won't get into the depth of the autism here....its an empathy disability and him not telling me all those years almost killed me. When I found out about the autism: I emotionally withdrew completely from everyone. I isolated. My flash backs returned (from 10 years earlier and the tragic loss of sibling) and I felt worthless, used, gamed, and exploited by my marriage. This took a full year to come out of. The second he confirmed the autism to me he announced he wanted a divorce too. Again, this is part of that no empathy issue autistics have. It was cruel and I found an autism society that (he refused to work with) told me I cannot expect him to emotionally understand me. I agree. But then after he discarded me (he could not game me anymore, once I knew he was autistic) panic attacks slowly set in because between my family stalking me, him and other job related issues I went full on into panic attacks, flash backs, triggers and full on isolation.

I am still partially isolated and trying to get out more. I know I won't trust anyone ever again: but I am trying my best to mitigate and maybe just restore surface acquaintances and social interactions. I was a happy extrovert before life chipped away at my sense of safety and trust. I had glimmers of bounce back at various times but my marriage demise was the last straw.

I do have a child. She is great. My reason for staying on this planet. I am sad she has seen me go through so much. I am a shell of who I once was before tragedy struck. But at least I understand now what I have endured. And that helps. I also just got a puppy for emotional support. I had a dog die unexpectedly around the time my husband left me and that did not help at all. But I am reaching once more for things to push me to try and restore my emotions, to not dissociate. I lived my whole life dissociating. It's all I know. It's what I did to cope. But I would like to live more than that.

I have a counselor. She got me through the most horrific panic attacks last year. I understand why it is so tough for all of us here to restore trust and faith in others: but don't give up.

My mom died two weeks ago and I am still negotiating my divorce. But, the BPD and NPD relatives have been hovering me since she died and this is endangering my progress I worked hard for all year. I am glad I found this board and the resources. Reading others going through CPTSD and finding ways to cope is helpful. I hope sharing my story helps.

I am coping with divorce right now and keeping these toxic relatives away. And keeping my panic attacks away and trying to reverse isolative preferences. It's allot. Some days I want to give up because it's exhausting. But, finding what gives me some crumb of joy helps. My child and my puppy give me joy. I work on myself for them. That is something.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS breakingfree! 

You have so much going on right now I don't doubt it is exhausting, and yet you have found your way here and are trying to find information, help and support for yourself.  That takes tenacity and courage in the face of all you have endured and are going through.  A lot of us can relate to wanting to give up but there is a light at the end of the tunnel   It may seem a long way off right now, but it is there so keep on posting 

[breakingfree]

Thanks Kizzie, love your dog pic btw! I think dogs can help people with CPTSD, but I do caution that choosing a very healthy dog: one that comes from a reputable breeder, is important. I decided a rescue dog was too much struggle for me: so found a puppy. He really helps. He won't let me sit too long and is very affectionate. I think folks with CPTSD should get the most easiest breed to handle, calm temperamental dog they can find. Because even the calmest dog takes allot of work but the fact that I take him for walks and want to keep his needs met (social with other dogs and people) I am motivated to go to dog parks, outdoor cafes, coffee shops, walk in my area, etc.... This makes me interact with people more despite my distrust and feeling very "outside" of understanding others. I used to be so social, a people pleaser type, kind, trusting, etc...but years of abuse, emotional neglect in my marriage, FOO stress: I craved what I never had: kind caring people in my life.
:run dog: A dog helps military vets too, yes, custom trained dogs, but even the average person struggling with CPTSD can find restored hope and emotions come back by getting a dog. Well, this is how I see it anyway.
I am still, as always it seems: neck deep in coping with adversity - but now I am not alone. As a mother: I am in giving mode allot, being affectionate but mentoring too. But it's a job. I am expressive with my child but because I never had a loving marriage (only abuse) I never felt loved, protected, cared for, or worthy. Ever. It did a number on me. I lived in an emotional wasteland of abuse and confusion. I see myself as almost like a neglected abuse dog wandering the roadside. Seriously. Metaphorically: that is what i am. After years of abuse. But, even those dogs deserve love and redemption and a second chance. No, they are not going to be the most trusting animals after having been cast off and abused....but they are worth saving. And so I tell myself so am I.
Patience. Therapy. And reaching out somewhere like here helps. I am glad I reached out here. I am glad I found this site.