Hello there!

[papillon]

Hello!

I've been reading a lot of the posts on this forum and myptsd (dot) com, and finally decided to add my voice. I admit, it feels very strange to speak about this, even in an anonymous setting. It has been very helpful to read what others have experienced and know that I'm not alone; so I figure that if my voice can potentially help someone else then I shouldn't stay in the background.

At 26 I just had my first boyfriend. I met someone this summer who pursued me even when I barely gave him the time of day, eventually I relented and we dated for 3.5 months. I broke things off when I realized that we would not be long-term compatible, but I'm extremely thankful for those months we spent together. All of a sudden, I found myself in a 'safe' relationship with a gentle, kind, thoughtful, loving man... and it triggered extreme anxiety for me (as well as panic attacks, dissociative behaviors, flashbacks, insomnia, etc.).

I realized that I was having fear responses that had nothing to do with him; most notably, I jumped out of my skin when he first put his arm around me. That was enough for me to recognize that I wasn't having rational responses to the situation, so I contacted a Therapist and have been seeking help.

The T helped me identify cPTSD and has been an immense help to me as I've begun to face the past for the first time. She says that the BF gave me a gift in triggering my anxiety. He gave me a glimpse of what it means to be respected, loved and accepted unconditionally. She says that he treated me the way I should have been treated all along. Now I have an idea of how I should be treating myself, and how I should expect to be treated by others.

I desperately want to live a more vibrant life. I've so long been controlled by fear, crippled by anxiety, and manipulated by the lies of a negative self image. It's difficult for me to accept that this is something that I can't fix overnight, but with the help of my T, my friends, and this community I am hopeful for my future.

Nice to meet you all!

[Butterfly]

Welcome and I'm so glad got a therapist that understands and can guide your journey. It's wonderful have found a safe relationship as well. This is has been a wonderfully supportive community of people for me and hope you find the same, wishing you peace and healing.

[tired]

I had a similar experience and almost pushed the person away permanently because I didn't trust it.  It's good that you're starting to confront this at a young age.

[papillon]

Hey "Tired",

It sounds like you were able to save that relationship? That's great!

I'm glad I broke things off with this particular person, but it has helped me to see where I have been pushing away other people in my life and have a lot of work to do in investing in those relationships. Those are the very relationships that I will need in my corner as I confront these very difficult things.

Thanks for saying that about the "young age"... I've been giving myself a hard time for what I feel like is a lot of wasted time. There have been so many times in the last 15 years or so when I could have reached out for help but I didn't think I deserved it, or didn't know that there were resources out there available for those of us with financial restrictions, or wasn't able to really identify that I had problems that warranted help. My therapist says it's really common for people with childhood abuse pasts not to reach out for help because when you grow up in chaos you think that's what "normal" looks like.   

I wish I had reached out for help when I was younger. By waiting I have compounded so many problems onto an already ugly situation. Getting therapy for what others have done to you is one thing that sounds hard enough... trying to re-wire your brain from unhealthy coping mechanisms and learned patterns of behavior? A completely different story!