A date.

[meursault]

I had a date today.  We just met up for a coffee.  I was pretty nervous but I think it went pretty well.  She's about 30 and I'm in my forties.  Really happy and exuberant person.  Really self-confident and full of life.  I noticed I wasn't very good at making eye contact, which I consider a victory.  Even a few months ago I wouldn't have even been self-aware enough when around a date to notice I wasn't making eye contact.

I used to hang out with her a few years ago when I drank.  I actually sat around in a hallway with her outside her boyfriend's place for hours when she got dumped at one point.  She was all crying and drunk as could be, and I just hung around not getting involved, just there for when she needed a walk home if he didn't let her in (he did eventually).  I think she was about 22 then.

I think we had pretty good conversation, quite a few laughs, and I asked her if I could take her out for supper next week.  She said yes!

I was anxious, but not shaky.  I felt pretty small and unmanly, I'm afraid, but mostly I was all right.

So, two good things happened today, seeing my therapist and the date.  I'm thinking that made it my best day in quite a while.  My mom called and almost crushed it, but I'm good again.

Funny how you get all these optimistic fantasies after that sort of thing.  I'm imagining sitting around with her after work having supper, living together.  Fantasizing about being funny and making her laugh.  Kissing.  Saying things that make her feel good.  Seeing a light in her eyes when I'm around.  Having her monopolize the bathroom getting ready for some event, living together.  Going out in the cold in the winter to warm her car so she doesn't have to.  Being surprised with a hug or a birthday cake  All that good jazz.  Not being all weird and thinking it's going to happen, but just enjoying thinking of that as something that's possible for me.  I'm not at the point of mentally putting her in a wedding dress, or a hospital gown, glowing and holding our baby or anything....  dammit, now I am!  Don't even know how well we'd mesh yet, but I just feel alive and human and potentially lovable at the moment, so those kind of thoughts aren't just alienating and painful.

I hope I don't screw it up, or worse, she just rejects me and doesn't give any real reason.  That's the worst.

Anyhow, usually I mostly just feel like some disgusting subhuman thing in this world, unwanted and unlovable.  Amazing how much light and hope and feeling of mattering and belonging I get from just having a coffee with some interested woman.  The world has a future, and there is colour in my grey world for the moment!  I was almost too scared to meet her.  Now I have to make sure  don't just end up in the "friend zone".

Meursault

[Three Roses]

My friend, this is so good to hear! I'm cheering for you!

[sanmagic7]

YAY!!!  enjoy it all!!!

[radical]

That's brilliant.

I'm so pleased for you.  You've had to be so strong and brave in the face of really tough circumstances, you really deserve to have good things happen, for that strength to lead to greater confidence.

[Wife#2]

None of these wonderful emoji's has a smile big enough! So, I'll offer you the     

So glad the date went well!

[meursault]

Thank you all!

Meursault