elderly newbie

[Poodle]

 Hi I am Poodle, nearly 70 years old.  Abused by my father from birth mentally and physically and then sexually.  R***d aged 19, had a child, which I kept, she is the light in my life.  Pushed into an abusive marriage before the birth of my daughter so as not to bring *shame* on my parents    He was a narcissistic sadist and I was just a toy. so brainwashed, gaslighted etc that I developed Stockholm's Syndrome and never managed to leave much to the detriment of my children, he died in 2011 and for me the sky fell in.  I found it VERY hard to adapt to life without being told what to do, I actually missed him  Been diagnosed with CPTSD and DA, believe I have DDNOS though not
confirmed.  Live in a foreign country where because of the language barrier I have been unable to get therapy.  Tried Skype therapist and was left hanging at the end of the session, took weeks to get myself back. Had one therapist that spoke my language and she told me that I was beyond her after I dissociated very badly and she saw what I try so hard to cover up.
My kids are all messed up, the eldest girl is now a survivor herself, also suffered from PTSD but now doing better with the help of her husband, they have a platonic marriage as she can't be touched.  Youngest girl, *HIS/OURS* got into a very bad marriage and I managed to help her flee the country with her daughter after 10 years. I also brought up *his* son from the age of three.  That was another reason I never left, I couldn't take the boy with me and *He* always said, as he had full custody of the boy he could eaily get my girls too. I believed it

[Trees]

Hi Poodle, welcome to the site.     I am almost as elderly as you, and there lots of us here in this age range.  Some of us don't "wake up", start to emerge from dissociation, until late in life.  It takes courage to try to deal honestly with the accumulated results of a lifetime of "misadventures."  I applaud your efforts in this direction.

Please read around on the site and make yourself at home.  Many of us here find comfort and wisdom in a book by Pete Walker, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving."  It helps me make sense of the chaos I have survived.

You do deserve comfort and safety, and I hope you will find that here on this site.
Big hugs.               

[eva]

very sorry that you reached out for help and "exposed" that within yourself which was in shadow and then left hanging and unsupported - this has happened to me (and rejection when I needed help) but I keep trying to remind myself I am a human being in pain - as are you - and not bad or wrong  (there is nothing wrong with us - it's just pain) so it is hard when profesionals or others can't handle our pain but  had enough shame in my life (toxic shame) carried for my whole family and I don't want to shame myself for being hurt anymore. I tell myself it is ok to feel what I feel and I think you are brave. very brave.

[Kizzie]

Hi Poodle and a warm welcome to OOTS    I am a senior too, I will turn 60 in 2016. 

I didn't find out I had CPTSD until my early 50's and have been in recovery since then.  It's been a struggle but I am so glad to know finally what I am dealing with.  It was really hard before I had a name for it, I just thought I was crazy! 

We are living proof that is never too late!