Reality

[Summer Sun]

I've been finding this site so helpful, to know others experience similar challenges.  I came across it some time ago when researching CPTSD, and found more than I expected.  So many answers, behaviours and traits of loved ones staring me in the face.  Assurances that I am not crazy. 

Background is one of abandonment, neglect, the spectrum of abuses.  So much crazy making history, hard to condense.  I've had lengths of therapy, have been successful with career, marriage, am a survivor, thrivor, overachiever, one could say recovering codependent. 

At the moment, my biggest challenge is siblings.  Anyone have experience and advice for dealing with an assertive sibling who has enough education to think herself capable of diagnosing and labelling everyone else, while behaving in controlling and passive-aggressive behaviours?  I am under the microscope and challenged at every turn, I guess the IP (without her directly labelling me)  and when I confront her, on her abuses, as graciously as possible, there is anger.  I of course wish for harmony, but it is seeming that reality is finally breaking through my whimsical heart, that there is no way of winning, or existing, and being accepted for who I am.  Reality that I never had a family, and never will (other than family of choice).

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi summer sun -
I can relate ...
Condependence is a horrible illness to be on the receiving end of and I know it has been/ can still be one of my patterns both in terms of recieving and doing it myself
From what I've learnt it has too main branches 'control' and 'compliance' with a big generous helping of low self worth underlying it all -
Just last night I was with a 'friend ' who was in judgement and passive aggressive .. I hated every single minute - there is no where to escape and the best defences are kicked - that's how aggressive that illness is - with varying traits of narcissism - yuk

I sat in mediatation this morning and it feels right to leave the 'friendship' gee the women doesn't even know me that well to make judgements -
But I know she is sick and isn't aware and feels she is right and moral and high rising -
Today for me as I work on my own relating stuff I work to be more humble with people - more accepting and more from the heart for me and them

I can't be around poking and prodding behaviour anymore and I know I have work to do in this area too both control and compliance

Quote from summer sun 'there is no way of winning, or existing, and being accepted for who I am.'

I am finding the acceptance is about me accepting myself and standing strong in that - in spite despite what others are doing .. Easier said than done I know
I dont have to choose to be around sick behaviour of I don't want to - this is a human right see Peter walkers book from surving to thriving (people talk about his work here often and I find so helpful
I am getting stronger and my need for healthy functioning is winning

Coda is a good programme 12 steps
Also melody beaties work

What I've learnt is I really can't change anyone but me --
But that doesn't mean I need to accept the unacceptable -
Assertiveness can be helpful 'what I am asking is ......xyz ..... . Would that be ok with you ?
If the ask cannot be honoured withdrawing further may be the way forward - or seeing that person in a. Different capacity eg doing an activity together where verbal is less - distraction works well id say

Best wishes
It's painful I know and makes us feel
Even more alone - unfortunate but sick family tends to run through many branches - some do their best to heal - getting it wrong or right but their way all the same

Look after you and I'll look after me - it's the best way -
If we can meet in the middle with acceptance and love - having no lost enough dysfunction well then we can celebrate the gift of human interaction and it's true meaning --

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Summer Sun

I'm a bit late in welcoming you.
It has a lot to do with the topic you raised.
I can relate more than I feel comfortable with.

At the moment, my biggest challenge is siblings.  Anyone have experience and advice for dealing with an assertive sibling who has enough education to think herself capable of diagnosing and labelling everyone else, while behaving in controlling and passive-aggressive behaviours?  I am under the microscope and challenged at every turn, I guess the IP (without her directly labelling me)  and when I confront her, on her abuses, as graciously as possible, there is anger.  I of course wish for harmony, but it is seeming that reality is finally breaking through my whimsical heart, that there is no way of winning, or existing, and being accepted for who I am.  Reality that I never had a family, and never will (other than family of choice).

Being the Identified Patient... Yep. I think I am.
My TherapistMom has labeled everybody in my FOO the IP, but my 'sister', she has me down as the IP as well.
With her being the *cough* big shot *cough* who thinks she's her own Golden Child who has 'overcome' it all...
She a martial arts trainer, and has specialized in training (first) girls, and then many other vulnerable 'minorities' as well. Mentally and physically handicapped, deaf kids etc.
Very noble and all that, and I don't want to sound too unappreciative of her 'vocation', but she has a certain 'holier-than-thou' attitude surrounding it.

Yet, for most of my 50-odd years around her, she has been bashing up on me. Nothing I ever do is OK, there is always something she has a beef with. What? If there was only one thing she had a beef with when I met her, it was a happy meeting I had!

I tried all I could think of: pleasing her, giving in, standing up, reasoning, talking, listening, raging, sulking, indifference... the list is endless.
I've put all my creativity and effort in it that I could muster.
In the end she (emotionally) blackmailed me (threatening to wreck another FOO-member's birthday party (with Plausible Deniability of-course) and actually following up on her thinly veiled threats when I stood my ground) and I have now gone No Contact with her.
Nowadays she appears to be using other FOO-members to get under my skin (including the one who's birthday party she messed up, and this person is falling for it. They all have marked me as the one who is "making it difficult for all of us"... Go figure... Well actually: it does figure, alas...)

I can't recommend NC. It really is a last resort.
But what I can recommend is: boundaries , Boundaries, BOUNDARIES.
It may not resort to anything. As a Psychologist told me last year: there are people who will not respect boundaries, no matter what.
Obviously I cannot say or tell if your sibling falls into that category, but regardless of whether she is, I can recommend reading up On Boundaries

Other articles I have read over the course of the last years that have helped me to deal with the situation I found myself in were:
http://hubpages.com/family/Breaking-The-Curse-of-Family-Dysfunction
http://hubpages.com/family/Strained-Family-Relationships-When-You-Should-Cut-The-Ties-and-Say-Goodbye
http://hubpages.com/relationships/Freeing-Yourself-From-Harmful-Influences

I'm now 1 year of NC with my female sibling and my female parent. Last X-mas 'marked the spot'. It's been hard, but I have survived.
My female sibling's scheming around the holidays has been bad (although I have only learned of this second hand) but I am convinced that my focus on setting and maintaining boundaries has been the 'right' approach.
That she only took that as a 'reason' to escalate things up to resorting to blackmail and following through on it: sorrowful, but not my doing.

I sincerely hope you'll fare better than me. I'm aware I paint quite a bleak outcome of my efforts. I have not wished for this, and I had hoped that following the advice in the articles I posted would have resulted in a more harmonious relation with 'sis', but alas it was not to be.
I tried though.

Welcome to Out of the Storm.

[Summer Sun]

Thanks for the helpful responses.  The Link to "freeing yourself..." Was good for me.  I have a notebook that I make notes of key takeaways that resonate.  I am LC, and have tried various approaches like you Dutch Uncle, but have determined that "reason" is out of the question.  One would have to have some respect, empathy and care for others.  Boundaries, and speaking one's truths are used against me, silent treatment, p/a anger.  I am learning to disengage, no point trying to have a presence where there is no sincere desire for it. I am wearied from the facades and games.  Being The IP. 

Grieving the losses.  Still hard, feels at times like I've lost an anchor, even if it weights me down.  As the article said "they will eat away at the things that make you who you are... They will jeopardize your very well being."  This year, it's me first. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Summer Sun,

I can relate. There's no reasoning with the unreasonable. 
Boundaries being used against me? Check. There came a point where I realized it only aggravated matters as I in fact was just telling them where they could hit me hardest the next time around.
It's pretty sick. And it's them, not me.
Nor you.

Grieving the losses.  Still hard, feels at times like I've lost an anchor, even if it weights me down.  As the article said "they will eat away at the things that make you who you are... They will jeopardize your very well being."  This year, it's me first.

Take care, as you already do.