1life68 my journal

[1life68]

1/17/16

Well, it's been awhile since I've sat down and journaled but my Therepist suggested I start again so here I am.  Lately I've been thinking alot about how I need to feel more thankful for the things I have but something inside me doesn't want to let up.  I feel numb, foggy, anxious, and irritated with myself because I can't make myself feel better.  I dread the thought of going back to work tomorrow, I wish I could just sit on my couch in my baggy sweats all day and just ignore the world.  I wonder when things are going to get better, and if they do, will it stay that way or will I somehow screw it up.  Learning how to be an adult really sucks, I feel like I'm more a teenager then a 40 yr old.  My therepist says it's because I am basically still a child only in an adult body.  He's out of town this week, I hate it when I can't see him weekly.  I can think of so many things I'd like to talk about but I know when he gets back, and I go for my meeting I probably wont be able to say what I want to say.  It's getting better, I can mostly make eye contact and I'm okay talking about things that are going on in my life right now.  We talk alot about my kids, my job, and my finances.  We've tried doing EMDR, and I've tried talking about the abuse but it's difficult.  I start shaking and twitching, my brain gets foggy and tired and I can't talk about what I'm seeing in my head.  Sometimes I just want to blurt it all out but embarrassment prevents me from saying much more then I was abused.  He tells me that the images wont stop popping into my head if I continue to stuff them, I have to eventually get it out and that's the only way I'll heal.  One step at a time .... I guess we'll see what happens when he gets back.