February 2016 Topic - Meditaton

[Jdog]

Cool.  Discussion does help.  I wanted to say that my meditation practice is not really about taking a deep dive into the self, specifically.  More of a way of giving positive energy to myself (in whatever form I find myself at a given moment) and then letting that spread outward.  The deepening happens eventually, but not because I try to make that happen.  The distractions and mind wandering are accepted and handled gently so that the calm focus can return.  Nothing harsh, no "shoulds."

[Pieces]

I realize now through this discussion that I do think of mediation as a process of going deeper inside my self.  That's where the trauma resides so it really is scary. Thinking of meditation in terms of learning to focus and be in the present, however, is much more appealing.   

I understand what you mean, although for me it's the other way around; I would like to get to where the trauma resides but there is a great big blockade and I can't reach it. I know I shouldn't even want to force it but walking around with this big, black hole in myself gets pretty frustrating.

[Butterfly]

The thoughts in this thread regarding being in the right healing place makes so much sense and helps me answer the question why any sort of meditation didn't work for me in the past. My healing journey wasn't far enough along and I hadn't found what worked for me - more on this below.

It's also pretty clear there's so many varied forms of meditation practices as there are practitioners! Whatever works for each of us even if that means not consciously meditating is what's important. The thoughts on accepting one another is what this community is about - supporting one another and respecting others individual journey. So many of us were denied a voice and feelings for so much of our life the least we could do for each other is allow it here. Even if we don't agree we can still support one another.

Pieces, what you say also about visualization helps me answer the question why some of the guided meditations I come across irk me so much. Thank you so very very much! Visualizing the physical or being guided along a visual journey isn't what I need. I'm plenty familiar with how to disassociate and I think this is how visualization meditations feel to me, like just more disassociating. That's also a similar point you raise Kizzie about disassociating and I so agree.

Also the meditations to try to change my thoughts to positive don't work because I believe all my full range of feelings are valid and are simply my body's signal that I need to give attention to something. I've long ignored my body's natural signal until it got my attention in a very real and physical way that I could no longer ignore. What I do enjoy and need very much is being present with feelings, grounding, really getting in touch with feelings, allowing my feelings and thoughts, not to try to change them but to listen to their message.

Vanilla, what you describe in walking with nature is so nurturing and I love that for healing. It's very grounding and present in the moment. This may be similar to something I came across on walking meditations. Examining thoughts objectively sounds like it might be related to the practice I found a few weeks ago called RAIN to get in touch with and validate ones feelings and thoughts. That's helped my recovery as well.

Monkey mind! I so relate. It's difficult to focus with such a jumpy little bugger! My mind will spin at such speed. It has helped to calm my body some with deep breathing and simply relaxing not to control my spinning mind but to better pay attention to it and help make the spinning thoughts productive and meaningful. I tend to ruminate endlessly about situations I wish I'd handle better or to plan for encounters with uPDm. This wasn't helpful and impacted my physical health.

My T suggested riding my stationary bike and using my HRM see my heart rate rise but then to stop, do deep breathing and consciously bring it down. Is this similar to what biofeedback is like Kizzie?

So much of the thoughts in this thread will help me find guided meditations that work better for me and I thank each and every one of you for your input and sharing all your experiences!

[Kizzie]

I think riding a stationary bike and then stopping would be a form of biofeedback Butterfly, good idea     It's a concrete example of how deep breathing brings down your heart rate, and perhaps even of the effects of having more oxygen in the bloodstream (feeling calmer after a workout).  Thanks for telling us how beneficial it has been to have so many points of view/experiences to add to your understanding, I agree completely!   

Pieces, I hear you about wanting to get behind that wall and I agree, it is frustrating!!  We do need to get behind it to get at the trauma and deal with it, I just don't want to find myself blowing through the wall and tapping right into all of that through the type of deeper meditation techniques I was envisioning. For me it's too much at once (as  when I tried EMDR). 

Hopefully this won't take the thread sideways, but I have been wondering if neurofeedback has a similar effect to deeper forms of meditation.   My T did a brain mapping session two weeks ago and identified certain areas that are over-aroused and others that are under-aroused.  We will be starting some training to calm/stimulate those parts with the end goal of teaching my brain to work more fully and thus, effectively.  And perhaps this is what some forms of deeper meditation strives to achieve - building more neural networks in areas we may not use enough,  decreasing the intensity of others (calming them)  by having more options in what/how we think?  Changing the default settings so to speak (rather than default to fear/anxiety, we can make new settings that involve a more balanced perspective?) 

Okay, time to get out of my head and do something physical lol. 

[woodsgnome]

I don't really meditate but I meditate all the time. Whoa! What's this? Be patient; I'll try and explain. Short of the explanation, this can be summarized by sharing my view that meditation is a state of being, not one of doing or action; although many actions/techniques can positively interact with and enhance one's being.


I sense that my inclination to meditate was destroyed in childhood by religious teachers who sought to pound their version of spiritual truth into me. Not having a well-grounded or supportive FOO background, I may have been especially vulnerable. Regardless, my confusion and hurt was heightened by the fiercest abuses being shrouded in the religious/spiritual language that accompanied it (e.g. "we're hurting you because god loves you"). The wonder is that I even made it past adolescence without total collapse. Or did I? Not sure; moot point anyway. This seems related to what's called 'dissociative intrusions', where one memory bleeds into and/or overtakes another and gluts whatever else is being experienced, such as meditation.


Nowadays, I don't seek to meditate, but as I look around, I realize that I live my own form of meditation. I live quite peacefully and it shows. Over the years I've explored all kinds of meditative techniques, mantras, chants, postures, breathing (difficult for asthmatic), this/that/other. Some of them I gravitated towards, even; but all of them tended to renew my terror—even if I followed the instructions, I feared failure that I'd ever get it, or that I'd screw it up, or 'someone' would hurt me for doing it wrong.  Memories flow in of beatings, scorn, ridicule, and worse from those first 'teachers' on their own twisted path. Those associative monsters easily filter into any meditative technique I've ever tried.


So when I say that I don't meditate but actually do so all the time, I guess what I mean is that when I view my life's path as a whole, a lot of it was built--inside and out--on just living/being in a meditative fashion, even if I didn't consciously call it that. The outside example is easy—I found a way to live peacefully, in my cabin in the woods. Yes, it involved getting away, literally, from people; and yes, it's part a denial and escape in the manner of a true 'freeze' sort that Walker would instantly recognize. And I'm also done beating myself up about having chosen that option. A very harsh lesson came with accepting that, though; it's taught me that so many cptsd symptoms still travel with me daily.

I admire and encourage everyone to find a meditative scenario they feel speaks to them and enhances what speaks to and from the heart. No matter what it's called.

[I like vanilla]

Possible resource(s): Yesterday, the Spartan Life Coach (aka Richard Grannon on Youtube) posted a new video where he spoke about the problems that people with CPTSD can have with affirmations. These are different than medication but I think the problems that some of us with CPTSD have with affirmations overlap with the problems we might have with meditation.

In yesterday's video, SPLC reminded that he had posted an earlier video for meditation with CPTSD. I have looked it up. It was posted on August 5, 2014. The SPLC gives some ideas on why meditation can be problematic for some of us with CPTSD and some direction on how to approach meditation so that it can work.

[one note of caution: Grannon uses swear words, including several 'f-bombs'. If these words are triggering to you then you might wish to avoid his videos]

[I like vanilla]

woodsgnome: words of wisdom. Thank you!