Meeting my parts

[obscured]

First of all sorry if this doesn't belong in the dissociation section.

I have long suspected I have more than one personality but was never sure if that was the problem or if I had bipolar type 2 or cyclothymia which could also explain my rapidly changing affect and way of looking at the world. I didn't understand the subtleties of amnesia between states either but this is starting to become apparent in therapy. After years of seeing the same therapist she is starting to get to meet all my "parts" (we air aiming to integrate them so we are not treating them as distinct personalities) and because of the amnesia between states, now that I have someone reflecting back what each part is like and how each part tries to protect me, I am able to be aware of them for the first time.

I want to introduce my parts to the world and there seems no better place to do this than here at Out Of The Fog.

First of all there is 'normal' me who has been showing up to therapy with enthusiasm trying to get well all these years. He is willing to believe that he (we) can get well so he is committed to doing the work in therapy and he has hope for change. He used to be a very small player in the over-all picture because he never had a voice before therapy began addressing the destructive effects of his emotionally abusive and neglectful family of origin. He is funny, articulate, empathic and flirtatious. People like being around him and I like being around people when this part is in the 'drivers seat'.

My second part is my trauma. He has been around all my life in a big way. He knows how mean, sadistic and untrustworthy people are. I am in this state a lot at the moment because I have found a lot of evidence that my now ex girlfriend was manipulating me and blaming me for all the relationship problems, even her own feelings and shortcomings. I know what it is like to be scapegoated and I am constantly on the lookout to keep my self safe. I don't like the world or people in general. I would rather be alone forever, self sufficient on a tropical island. I know this isn't a reality but I still wish it were possible. I am at odds with the 'normal' persona because of this need for social isolation to feel safe.

My third part is who I identify as the real me. I am the youngest of all my parts. When I am not active in my host body I live in a stuffed animal toy that I have had since I was months old. The original stuffed toy was lost when I was 2 and I was inconsolable. My grandmother gave me another version that a cousin of mine didn't like and I have slept with him on my bed ever since. I am in my third decade and that's why I still sleep with my 'teddy' although he isn't a teddy and has his own name but I'm not telling you that information. When I want to kill myself I have to take him with me but everytime I pick him up I can't go through with it. This part of me doesn't want to die and I can't kill him. It is this part of me that 'falls in love' with older women, literally wanting to find a surrogate mother. The 'normal' part of me knows this is not possible or healthy which is very painful to understand but it has stopped me from being hurt over and over as relationships once used to do. I am grateful for this protection from 'normal' but I don't think I can ever let go of the fantasy that someone will come along and be the mother I never had.

My fourth part is my 'dissociator' numbed out part. Sometimes he is just numb or depressed. Other times he is having a great time lost in an elaborate fantasy world of his own creation. This guy really, really loves to use drugs but only drugs like marijuana, ecstacy, nitrous oxide and acid because they are all psychedelic type drugs that enhance the fantasy world. This guy and 'normal' talk often because 'normal' gets sick of being a drug addict and 'normal' can't get much done if he is stoned or lost in a fantasy world all the time. This guy talks to my other parts and offers pain relief to them. When I am in trauma this guy can numb me to keep me safe from the overwhelming pain. 'Normal' puts his foot down though when this guy wants to use drugs to wipe out all feeling completely because this guy is a pig for drugs and won't stop until they don't work anymore. For this reason this guy and 'normal' both go to twelve step meetings!

My fifth part is my * goddess. Essentially she is my sadistic narcissistic mother that I have internalised but unlike my mother who is an asexual frump my * goddess is a sexy femme fatale dominatrix. She hates men and hates being trapped in a man's body. She is a lesbian with all kinds of fetishes and kinks. 'Normal' keeps her as contained as he can because she has an acid tongue and laughs at peoples embarassment and discomfort. She is allowed to act out and live vicariously in private but this rarely involves other people because she is so at odds with my other parts that they fear judgement or ridicule if she is representing us all.

As far as I know these are all my parts. The goal of my therapy is to somehow integrate them all into a cohesive whole. Wish me luck!!!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi obscured, a pleasure to meet you all. 

I wish you luck, all of you. 

Thanks for introducing yourself(s) to us. You're most welcome. 

[woodsgnome]

If only all this was easy, eh? 

It's always implied that we are solo, solitary pieces of machinery and it should all fit together efficiently and solidly. We're told this over and over--from scientific, religious, political, therapeutic, and even advertising sources. We hope these will help us get a grip on our confusion. Doesn't always work out that way, but luckily we have our own internal messaging that we can, albeit often don't, turn to.

In your acceptance of the "characters", Obscured, you've probably stepped out beyond that notion of unity within personality. And that's perfectly fine, and human. It takes loads of self-realization to get to this point.

Whether full understanding results is an unknown but observing and accepting even the not-so-likeable parts of ourselves seems like a crucial step. Even if we don't always like what we find. Plus, as with so much of this recovery work, we need to balance even the seemingly disconnected stuff.

As you say, "the goal of my therapy is to somehow integrate them all into a cohesive whole." Actually, this may already have happened, in a way, by your recognition of the parts. The 'cohesive' piece remains elusive, but it's a work-in-progress. Patience and self-compassion bode large as you journey with all of 'you' to you.

[obscured]

Thanks for your replies.

It is liberating to be able to post this stuff and get encouraging responses. 

[Kaz]

Hi Obscured,  I know where you are at.
I have walnut, Little Karen, Hurty Karen,  and me Kaz. I have for  the past 2 years been integrated but after venturing out into the world after breast and cervical cancer to try to work again it is hard. I have been able to hold myself together unconsciously but I came apart the other day. Little Karen I think shocked the * out of my bullying female boss. She was pretty concerned by what effect she had had on me. On the way home hurty Kaz kept trying to get us to hurt ourselves, or to see myself being hurt in my head to fit in with the self loathing and punishment cycle. For the past 2 days I have slept a lot and am with the encouragement of my husband and hopefully the strength of myself going to work tomorrow. I have one more week of training as probationary for this casual job. I go for ages and think I am integrated and healed it has gone away and then it happens again.