Looking for a Way Out - Trigger Warning

[Ronin]

The background that I posted on the sister site (Out of the Storm):

I suspect that my story is not too different from many others here. My mother is/was a very self-centered, alcoholic whose idea of child rearing was to keep me shut, alone, in a bedroom all day before I was old enough to go to school. Once I reached that age, she decided that her job was done as far as "nurturing" me goes. I was still expected to do whatever she thought was best, in fact at 45 that still holds true. I still get to hear how disappointing I am because I did not choose the profession that she thought that I should, and if I disagree with her I had better be prepared for a fight. I just don't talk to her anymore unless I have to do so.

My father, although married to my mother, was mostly absent in my life because of his job. When he was at home, he had a quick temper that would cause things to get physical very quickly. At a very young age, I learned that it was far easier to just accept responsibility for whatever he was mad about, regardless of whether I did it, the dog did it, or my older siblings did it, because the physical pain was far easier to endure than the terror of waiting.

One of my older brothers and my older sister apparently thought it was fun to use me for sexual experimentation. In the second grade my brother would have me "perform" sexual acts on a second grade girl while he watched. At the age of 10, my sister would use me to satisfy her urges. And at 14 the same older brother and his friends would have me do sexual things with the neighborhood girls for whatever reason.

I had/have physical limitations that caused me to become the butt of the jokes of many of my peers. I was also a skinny, malnutritioned child, so that was just more ammunition. My father even asked me one day why I couldn't just be normal like the other kids.
I sought to escape all of this as quickly as possible. I started acting out in school and went from an honor student to failing all of my classes over a six-week period in 6th grade. I started destroying property and engaged in arson between 6th and 7th grades. By high school, I was drinking, stealing cars, fighting, and getting into all sorts of trouble. I was arrested a few times with only one misdemeanor conviction. I finally quit school my senior year. I got married for the first time a few months later.

That marriage resulted in my becoming a father and my life changed. I was bound and determined to be different from my father. I realized that by working hard I was able to achieve some of the respect and attention that I craved.

My marriage failed. My ex remarried and took our daughter to Germany to live. I had a string of unsatisfying relationships. Then I met my second wife. She seemed so different from everything I had experienced before. Well, that's because she was. Once we were married, she would stay on computer all night and sleep all do. She refused to work, and refused to take care of the house. Eventually, the arguments escalated into fights and two of those resulted in her being physically violent. It was with her that I discovered just how much my childhood had affected me. When she would yell, throw things, and hit me, I felt just as I did around my father. I quickly found myself sleeping at the other end of the house so as to not incur her wrath.

When she finally left me for some guy that she met online who didn't cause her as much stress and anger as I did, I met the person that I would spend the next seven years of my life with. She was great for the most part. She didn't yell, scream, break things, nothing was flung through the air, or any of the histrionics that I had with my second wife. She would just quietly tell me what to do and make all of my decisions for me when she had the time for me. She promised me that if I helped her get through college that she would do the same for me. So, I worked and she and her adult son lived with me. After a while I grew tired of doing all of the work and while she and her son just did whatever. I told her that her son had to go. He did, and so did she. A few months later, she called me and asked me to come and see her. She wanted to reconcile and tell me how angry she was that I allowed her to move out of my house and into the country when she didn't have a car and couldn't even get to the grocery store without her mother's help.

We finally got back together. We moved into "our house" together so that I couldn't kick her son out again. She eventually did though. Again, I grew tired of doing all of the work while she did nothing and told her that I was done. Since she couldn't afford to keep the house without me, her mother bought her a house. The gf convinced me to move in with her and help her pay the bills. This arrangement lasted for about a year. She had decided to go back to school to get her master's degree. I, once again, grew tired of being broke and going to work every day while she did nothing to earn any money or take care of the house. We eventually split up for good.

Then I met my latest gf. After our first date, she spent every day after work at my house. She would stay there until 1 or 2 in the morning without any thought to whether or not I wanted to do something like sleep. This went on for three months before I got really mad and told her that I was done. This resulted in her showing up at my house in the middle of the night, uninvited, and yelling at me until I caved. And, so progressed our relationship. One of the times that I told her that I wanted out of the relationship, she threated to call the police and tell them that I assaulted her if I didn't agree to listen to reason and try to work things out with her. I eventually caved again, but this time I told her that there were boundaries that she needed to not cross. She complied for a while. Then the ranting and raving that would last for hours or days began again. Her telling me how horrible I was and how badly I treated her all came back. So, last week, I ended things again with her. She showed up at my office the other day and threatened to follow me to my house to talk to me if I refused to talk to her there. I complied, just like I always have, and listened to her for the next four hours.

I don't tell any of that for sympathy, as I said I'm sure that my story isn't that different from many here, but rather to give background.

[Ronin]

I'm just now trying to come to grips with the affect that my life experiences have had on my choice of relationship partners and the way that I respond.

I find myself repeating the same patterns in relationship and hoping for different results. I find myself getting hurt and angry because, like an addict, I keep making bad choices to avoid the discomfort of being out of the types of situations in which I have become so comfortable. I know that I need to stop the cycle, and that I'm the only person who can do it, but I really don't know how.

[Pieces]

I find myself repeating the same patterns in relationship and hoping for different results. I find myself getting hurt and angry because, like an addict, I keep making bad choices to avoid the discomfort of being out of the types of situations in which I have become so comfortable. I know that I need to stop the cycle, and that I'm the only person who can do it, but I really don't know how.

To change patterns in your life you need to change how you view yourself, your self image, because that's where your ideas on how you should behave come from. Are you in therapy?

You seem to define yourself only in relation to women, which makes your self image about them and not yourself. I think it's important you get help with finding out who you are, your own individual identity and working on making that a stable and positive one

[Ronin]

No, I'm not currently in therapy. I have tried many times and it has never seemed to have gotten any results.  I am currently looking into trying again though. My latest relationship has brought many things about myself to light that I had never seen before.

You are correct, I do define myself by my significant other, so much so that I become whatever they tell/show me that they want. I then end up resenting them when I'm still not good enough.

I've been doing some reading this morning on my perceived need for love.  The compulsive desire that causes me to put myself in harmful situations just so that I can know that someone is at least thinking about me. That was a sad, scary, and humiliating realization. I cannot believe that I conscious and willingly (essentially) say, "Fine, abuse me, I don't care as long as you let me know that I matter in some way...even if that way is negative."

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Ronin 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. Quite a history you have had.
I can relate to some aspects, in particular the imbalanced relationships with women (if you don't mind me saying so), and girlfriends in particular when I am romantically involved. I do have a particular nasty relationship with my 'mom' and 'sis'. I kinda think the two are related in some way, for me. 

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us. Your story fits well with the narrative of many of our community here.
I'm glad you found us. 
In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

The compulsive desire that causes me to put myself in harmful situations just so that I can know that someone is at least thinking about me. That was a sad, scary, and humiliating realization. I cannot believe that I conscious and willingly (essentially) say, "Fine, abuse me, I don't care as long as you let me know that I matter in some way...even if that way is negative."

I can relate. One source that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness
It's not pretty, and I do know well the reaction you just described. At times I still shudder at the thought. Still, for me, it has been a eyeopener. And things are starting to 'look up' nowadays. (pun intended).

Your story about your bro and sis forcing 'sexual experimentation' on you did strike a nerve with me. Personaly I have not been through something like that, but I'd like to point out our Causes of cPTSD: Sexual Abuse board to you. While sexual abuse is often associated as solely directed to women in our societies, men fall victim as well. At the very least, what your bro and sis did there was violating your boundaries. I'm sure you'll find shared experiences there, by both men and women, and it may feel a safe place for you to share some of yours as well.
edited to add: in the "Information about Sexual Abuse" sticky-post at the top there is a link to "Male survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse"

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD, our Guidelines for All Members and Guests may help you in keeping this a safe environment for you and to get an idea of the community we create with each other.


Dutch Uncle.

[Ronin]

Thank you for the welcome Dutch.

I strongly suspect that my choice in relationship partners reflects my familial relationships. Of course, in the past, I probably would have denied that any of my past really had any influence on my future. For years I have denied that it did, but the more I learn, the more I can see it. 

For the most part, I have no real memory of the actual events. I just have glimpses in my mind and know that they occurred.  I can give specifics about what happened, when, who was present, etc. but have zero emotional connection to them.

[Ronin]

Geez, the more that I learn about CPTSD, the more comfortable and scared I become. It's nice to learn that there are reasons behind the choices that I make, but scary to think about changing everything that has become so familiar to me.

I cannot envision a life that is driven by fear and anxiety. I cannot imagine not living for the sole purpose of trying to make another happy. I can't even begin to conceive of an existence that isn't driven by a longing to feel loved and important. What do these things look like? What will be my motivation to do anything?

Man, writing those things makes me feel foolish, but this is where I'm at mentally.

[Dutch Uncle]

Geez, the more that I learn about CPTSD, the more comfortable and scared I become.
[...]
Man, writing those things makes me feel foolish, but this is where I'm at mentally.

Many of us have been there, Ronin. I can relate.

"looking for a way out", you titled this. That's what you're now doing.
It looks strange, unknown, unfamiliar.
A favorite saying around these parts is: "It takes baby steps."
Keep looking. When you want. You don't have to do anything yet.
You don't have to do anything if you don't feel like it.

[Ronin]

I've been reading Pete Walker's book about CPTSD. It's been both scary and comforting.

Giving a name to what I experience internally has been a sedative of sorts. Understanding that when my exgf would tell me that she met these people and they told her about X, that I automatically assumed that she was going to run off with someone more interesting (worthy) because of how I was conditioned. That it isn't because I truly believe that she's a horrible person, it's because I just can't trust at this point. Man, when I think that it would have been just as natural for someone else to think of her new knowledge as an opportunity to do something new as a couple it makes me sad.

The sadness itself is a change for me. In the past, I would have been ashamed that I automatically leaped to distrusting her and thinking of horrible thoughts about her.

I am currently questioning how I can get through this journey alone? How can I, who sees nothing worthy within (well, except to serve as a tool for others' use) find the fortitude to remove the veil that I had to create to survive without my all too familiar crutch - another person?

I'm going to stop the runaway train of thoughts right here though and pay attention to what you just told me Dutch; baby steps. I used to devote a considerable amount of time on a relationship forum. One of the things that I used to tell people was that when I racing motorcycles and cars I had to remember where the finish line was, but if I tried to look past the next corner (or worse focus on what's behind me) that I'd miss the corner and run off the track. It's much harder to win the race that way. I think that I need to remember that now.

[Ronin]

I just read something on someone else's thread about her greatest achievement is surviving. This reminded me of something that father said to me about 15 years ago: "I don't know how you do it. Most people would crumble under the things that you endure."

This coming from the man who used to beat me; the man who broke a broom stick over my head; the man who punched me in the face in front of my friends when I was 15... I guess that's high praise?

[Dutch Uncle]

It's admitting his own defeat.
It's not about you, but him.
He did his best to 'crumble you'. It's what he expected you to do. Crumble. That's why he has beaten you. To make you crumble.
It's about him. "I don't know." The grammar in this sentence is telling: 'you' are "the passive object" here, as I think it's called in English grammar. NB: I'm strictly talking about grammar here! It has nothing to do with your person.
He's not praising you: he is out of his depth.

You on the other hand may very well praise yourself. You probably never even thought about 'crumbling'.
You may praise yourself for being so resilient. A survivor you are. 
And you'll get through this, cPTSD, as well.
Give the care you've given to others for so long to yourself. It won't be easy, you have to learn this. As I have to, so I do relate. But you've tackled tougher jobs.

Take care, dear Ronin. You can do this.