He didn't run!!!

[Gkmoneer]

I told a man I have been getting to know about what happened to me, in brief mind you.  I fully expected him to run and leave me hanging like the others have.  I just figured that the others decided that it was too much for them to handle. Anyway he didn't run he has if anything been more attentive and caring.  I was scared to death, still kinda am, but I'm working on fixing myself so that I can be the best me for me and a better person for him as well. I'm praying that this one sticks around cause I kinda like him.  Does anyone have any kind of experience with this. Where someone stayed instead of leaving?  How did you react?  How should I react?

[Hope66]

Hi Gkmoneer,

I just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear he listened to you, and he has stayed there for you.  That sounds really positive and a good outcome.

I am sorry that I can't make any more comments on that at the moment, as I am feeling a bit dissociated myself at the moment, but I wanted you to know that it sounds good that you had that experience, and I hope it continues to go well.

All the best,

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

my husband has done that several times, even when i've screamed at him to leave.  each time has amazed me, and we're still working on it.  we've been married 15 yrs. now, and with each new development that i discovered about my emotional workings, he didn't run.

the first time i realized that i was actually with someone who wanted to be with me on an intimate (emotional) level, i kind of freaked.  he was in a recovery center, was on a kind of work-release program, but would go back to the center at night.  so, this one night (i had only moved here about 2 months before) i went to the beach, parked my car, smoked a bunch of cigarettes, and contemplated this situation.  i was so scared! 

i was on the verge of getting exactly what i wanted, and it scared me so that i was ready to run.  i made myself think about this and it turned into a paradox of sorts.  i had run away from home to here because of the narcs in my life, had enough money to stay here on my own for about 6 months.  i was burned out and exhausted and very sick.  i never wanted to go back - this was my dream place to live, had been my dream for 30 yrs. to live here.

as i thought about what this man was offering me, and what waited for me if i went back, i knew somewhere deep inside that i couldn't stay here if it was just a way to run from what was.  i had to believe that i could go back, get another job, place to live, etc., before i could believe that it was all right for me to stay. 

it took me several hours, half a pack of cigs, and some dirt-honest contemplation before it all came together.   yes, i could go back and make a life for myself if i needed to.  so, yes, i could stay here and take what this man was offering me. 

that's my experience with someone who didn't leave, who was offering me exactly what i'd been looking for.  i can't tell you how to react - that's personal.  you'll find it within yourself if you give yourself a little bit of space and time, i believe.  and, i don't think there's a 'should' reaction involved.   it's just your reaction and response, like mine was mine.  be patient with yourself - the answer will come to you.

best to you with this, gkmoneer.   it is a weird thing when we get exactly what we want.   i will say to be a little cautious, tho.  you're just getting to know him.  it's early yet.  go slow. 

[willowlater]

That's so nice to hear, and gives me hope I may find that one day too. I agree with sanmagic7 about going slow. It's important to recognize that you are deserving of someone who loves and cares for you no matter what happened to you in the past, and don't let negative self-talk cause doubts about this guy. However, those of us who struggle with cPTSD have a tendency to struggle with boundaries, and while it's amazing how supportive he was of your brief description, revealing too much this early on may end up making you feel too vulnerable and him too overwhelmed.

I've had similar situations in the past where someone is initially very open-minded and supportive, and I took that as an invitation to let it all spill out. Even the most supportive, kind, and understanding person can get emotionally overwhelmed. I think about how long it took me to come to grips with what happened in my past (and even the time I spent experiencing it and growing up knowing nothing else), and then imagine what it must feel like to hear someone you care about lay it all out at once (or over a relatively short period). Most people have never dealt with it and lack the coping skills to do so.

It sounds like a great start though, and it's awesome that you're taking the time to think through the next step

[Gkmoneer]

You guys are awesome supportive. Thank you, and no I hadn't planned on revealing everything at once unless he brings it up or I end up in an episode around him. Which has yet to happen thankfully. We are only around 4.5 months in. I've never had a man want to get to know me before wanting intimacy (or perhaps that's just me projecting I dunno). He wants us to take our time and he's had a recent traumatic event in his life (passing of a parent). I'm still trying to figure out if this guy is for real. Or if it's me and the waiting for the other shoe to drop because in my experience that's what typically happens. I'm really trying not to read too much into things he says and does and situations. Simply because I don't want to have that self fulfilling prophecy thing that happens far too often with me. I think it's me self sabotaging myself so that when I do get hurt I can say see, see I knew this was going to happen. I want to break this cycle soooo bad you have no idea. I deserve it and he does too. He's a good man. I would be lucky to have him and vise versa I think.

[sanmagic7]

o, yeah, he'd be lucky to have you.  i hope it continues to work well, and the two of you can build a caring relationship.  best to you with this! 

[Gkmoneer]

Never mind maybe I'm just doomed!  Today he spent a large majority of the day talking about his ex. And referring too me as his friend. I want to be more than just his friend. I'm afraid to open that wound again we had this talk on Christmas Day that he works slowly and with the recent loved one's death. And that he wasn't sure if he was over his ex. He wasn't relationship ready. So many times tonight I wanted to ask him what would happen if she was no longer a part of his life. And then I really wanted to ask him what would happen if I was no longer part of his life. I want to be respectful of his wishes. At the same time I have things I'm needing and far too often I forget that. Ugh why can't I just tell him this why do I cave and mouse around him. Why am I so afraid he will reject me. If I could just be away from him and not have to see him anymore I'd walk away (although I probably wouldn't). But we share the same circle of friends and dear ones, so it is slightly more complicated. I'm kinda lost here and in for another sleepless night. I promised myself that I'd give it six months but I never clearly stated when that started. I guess I go by when we had the I'm not relationship ready talk. That would also give me time in my new treatment course. To begin working my own stuff out. So do I give it till June or do I buck up my courage and ask him the hard questions? In all honesty I'm probably needing to be further in my therapy before I do that so that I have better coping mechanisms. Help any insight is appreciated!

[Hope66]

Hi GKmoneer,
I'm sorry - I can't give any insight here, but I just wanted to say that I hope things are going ok for you since you had that talk with your boyfriend.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sorry it took so long to respond.  i think you answered your own question when you said that you think you need to be farther along in your own recovery before you get into the hard stuff.  this relationship business is tricky at best - when we're not all together and sure of ourselves, it can become kind of swampy.

how are you doing now?  it's been nearly a month since you posted about this.  are you doing ok?  how are things working out for you?  i hope you're all right and making pos. progress on all levels.  big hug.