New Here Feeling Anxious But Hopeful

[Luminosity Rising]

 Hello! I just found this site last week and saved a lot of the articles as PDFs just to read them later. Reading the forums before signing up really helped me feel like I will be understood here; it's taken a lot of courage but I decided to post.

A quick overview/introduction of what I've been through. Possible Trigger Warning I won't go into detail but I will mention breifly what happened to me sexually and the chronic depression that followed.

I was sexually abused by my biological brother (my only sibling) on and off for 9 years. After I told my parents, at 14, they tried being supportive but ultimately my brother was protected and got more assistance and care than I. The abuse was defined as mutual and my truth got buried. This had a huge impact on me. I lost my virginity to rape at 16 years old, to a class mate, but didn't know how to tell anyone right away. When I did, it wasn't seen as rape. I met an abusive man who groomed me at 17 and I stayed with that man for 5 years; he sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abused and tortured me on almost a daily basis. I got out of that relationship in 2014, after being raped several more times in those 5 years, by my ex and by a stranger (brother of a friend) on seperate occasions.

Now I am 24 years old, living with my cat and loving, supportive fiancé. I had a suicide attempt last year in October, but I am going to therapy once a week and reprocessing my traumatic past. The nightmares, triggers, depression, spotty memory and social anxiety hold me back the most. I have gotten to a point, however, where I can notice the changes I am making even if the next day I have a break down. It's important to me to heal and find my true self so that I may share that hope, light, and wisdom with people who need it. I don't really know how to wrap this up, but it was difficult getting to this point, but I am here now, and that's what counts, right?

Also, I was wondering what the name of that Pete Walker book is that everyone is talking about here. It sounds wonderful and I would love to order it.

Thank you for reading my breif story. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Luminosity Rising 

Hello! I just found this site last week and saved a lot of the articles as PDFs just to read them later. Reading the forums before signing up really helped me feel like I will be understood here; it's taken a lot of courage but I decided to post.

Welcome to Out of the Storm. I'm glad you have found us, and you're so brave for posting here. Hats off to you. 

What an upsetting and traumatizing history you have had. No wonder you are scared and anxious, and have fallen into a depression.
I'm happy to hear your will to live has survived and you have now a supportive fiancé and therapist. I hope, wish and trust you'll find additional support here within the community.
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

I don't really know how to wrap this up, but it was difficult getting to this point, but I am here now, and that's what counts, right?

It sure does!
Pete Walkers book is called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" and a considerable part of it is available in the form of loose articles on his site http://www.pete-walker.com
Perhaps you will find some articles of help to you while you wait for the book to arrive. It is a good book. I bought it at the beginning of this year, and it's a lot to take in, so I'm not yet even halfway.
Easy does it, or as you'll hear often here: It takes baby steps.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Luminosity  

I'm so glad you found your way here and that you took the risk of posting.  That' a huge step so kudos!     

As I read your post I actually had an image of you being in a rowboat that was old and leaking being bashed about by crashing waves in the middle of rain, wind, lighting and thunder, but heading to shore!  It certainly sounds like what you've described feeling day to day anyway.  With your determination, a supportive fiance and T, and now coming here you are likely to step onto solid ground soon so take heart.   

[Luminosity Rising]

Dutch Uncle,

Thank you for your supportive words of encouragement and your understanding. I will definitely check those links out, I really appreciate your help!  I just bookmarked his website and am planning on ordering once I have some extra funds.  I always liked something my High School counselor used to say, "little by little, bit by bit, I am improving everyday!"

Kizzie,

Thank you for the warm welcome! Your description feels so true to me, but I believe you are right, I feel like I might be getting closer to solid ground. Your kindness and compassion really mean the world to me! 

[MaryAnn]

Hi Luminosity Rising,

Your story may be brief as far as the number of words, but your story is far from a brief one as a whole.  You have been through so much and you are still so young.  It is nice to hear that you have a supportive partner that will be with you thru recovery.  I can relate to your statement,

The nightmares, triggers, depression, spotty memory and social anxiety hold me back the most.

These are what hold me back as well, except instead of spotty memory it is not being able to concentrate and focus.

I have gotten to a point, however, where I can notice the changes I am making even if the next day I have a break down.

I also was hospitalized for an attempt in the summer and spent another six weeks in intensive OP treatment.  I didn't believe my counselor at first when he said that I was getting better and was different than I was 7 / 8 months ago.  But, I notice the changes now.  It still feels like a yoyo many days but I have better control over my emotions and can ground myself better and not get as anxious or become as hypervigilant. 

The Pete Walker book is excellent.  I have read it all the way thru and reference many sections to stay grounded.  I wish you the best in your journey of recovery and healing and know that you will find your true self and find happiness.    You are strong and resilient.  And, there is nothing that is mutual about sexual abuse and you were a victim.  It was never your fault. 

Lol, MaryAnn