new here :) trigger warning (and not a horse by that name either LOL)

jellybeans · March 22, 2016, 02:08:03 PM

Oh damn, I would just like to keep this short because it has been such a tiring day. Basically there has been so much PAIN and confusion and yet, thankfully with a lot of work and access to the natural environment, the garden, horses, beauty of the natural world which is the greatest of healers... a lot of the stored emotions have left my shoulders over the years. And then... WHAM. This is the crippling part I think when the most benign of triggers can cause you to curl up on the couch.. for days.

every part of you is skipping along, with none of the old behaviours and not even realising that there was ever a problem anymore.. and then crash.

I realise tonight that is just another un-folding - and something important that I was overlooking .

ongoing abuse lfrom a very early age by one parent >> the other parent was being groomed (as we all were) >> the other parent did not cope and in denial and also suffering (the bigger picture). Unable to give time and love to her children. (sadly this now elderly parent lives a very isolated life, even though they were not the one who was the abuser)

I grow up, marry, start to have children. Forgotten and unaware of my own abuse. Unable to articulate.

the abuse skips to the next generation >>my innocent children. With the help of incredible brother(s) immediate (legal) action was taken against the offender. I am shattered. I am the now a single care giver with a house to pay for and run in a remote rural area. I was unable to protect my own children? How could this person have done this to MY children?? Somehow it was ok that it had happened to me, but MY children? At times my children became my carers. 15 years of social anxiety/isolation. Adamantly sought medication free therapy that included music therapy, guided meditation.

Amazed at my progress and my own survival as the normal, natural response to trauma included severe depression and thoughts of ending the pain (suicide) or patracide(?sp)

Gradually life un-folds. children grow up and marry and have wonderful children of their own.
No longer do I subconciously feel the need to "protect". I am a proud strong women! mother! granma!
S U R V I V O R right?
and yet there is a pattern... a deep problem develops with expression and communcation in my relationship with one of my adult daughters. I've done everything humanly possible? I am NOT like my mother who did nothing!! I am a martyr! therefore I do not understand why... until tonight.

During guided meditation/using tools that have cleared so much from my soul I am able to see and face truthfully for the first time ... how absolutely terrifying it must have been for my children (in particular this beautiful child, my 2nd daughter). I finally see the truth of what PAIN does to people. The impacts ongoing even after the 1 x abuser has passed away (old age). I see my lie.

I am writing here as an outlet, and thankyou for this community!

sending LOVE and strength and the hope of healing to everyone going thru PAIN.
trust your instincts . Keep faith ... you are truly loved and important in this world even in the darkest of times.

Dutch Uncle · March 23, 2016, 09:09:21 AM

Hi jellybeans

Welcome to Out of the Storm! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues and I'm glad you have found us.

Quote from: jellybeans on March 22, 2016, 02:08:03 PM
a lot of the stored emotions have left my shoulders over the years. And then... WHAM. This is the crippling part I think when the most benign of triggers can cause you to curl up on the couch.. for days.

I can relate. It's what Pete Walker calls an Emotional Flashback. Perhaps this article may resonate with your experiences? Flashbask Management in Treatment of Complex PTSD

QuoteI realise tonight that is just another un-folding - and something important that I was overlooking .
[...]
Somehow it was ok that it had happened to me, but MY children? At times my children became my carers. 15 years of social anxiety/isolation. Adamantly sought medication free therapy that included music therapy, guided meditation.
[...]
mother! granma!
S U R V I V O R right?
and yet there is a pattern... a deep problem develops with expression and communcation in my relationship with one of my adult daughters. I've done everything humanly possible? I am NOT like my mother who did nothing!! I am a martyr! therefore I do not understand why... until tonight.
[...]
I finally see the truth of what PAIN does to people. The impacts ongoing even after the 1 x abuser has passed away (old age). I see my lie.

What a roller-coaster of emotions.

And what an achievement to gain the awareness you so eloquently have written down and shared here.

I can relate to the abuse of pervious generations seeping in the lives of the generations that followed. You do may feel proud of what you have down for your children though. You definitely protected them from much abuse, and found help through your brother(s).

for that.

We have a section on experiences with Parenting in relation to our cPTSD.
And while your children are adults now themselves, this still might be a valuable space to share experiences from both past and present. There are more members who have adult children and at times the cPTSD affects the relationships with them.
I hope and wish this may be of aid in your relationship with your daughter.

QuoteI am writing here as an outlet, and thankyou for this community!

You are most welcome, and thank you for joining us.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

Dutch Uncle.

jellybeans · March 27, 2016, 12:22:36 PM

simply, thankyou

alarm bells were ringing, panic stations, and honestly clueless about what was even going on....
was to the point of a physical collapse on the floor -- it has been an interesting week!

I am ok. I've reached out, and also contacted family member.

a problem for me has been that I am stubborn haha, but also the science hadn't caught up regarding health benefits of music therapy/drumming for example, at the time of initial breakdown (what I eventually realised was natural response to trauma), and I got put off trying to gain mainstream support from GPs medical professionals in my region. (I'm not in US). The actual logistics and practicality of attending, plus any costs back then for us all (myself plus 5 children - 3 of whom were the victims etc) was ...impossible. Access to support was abysmal and I am forever grateful for discovering simple, effective methods. Having a farming background. Horses

Sounds arrogant but I have managed this and gotten by for so long I don't want to head into town and try to explain myself all over again. (maybe I am just an ole coot!).

can't change the past but can look forward to the future

One positive is that our experience, and my victims of crime letter did make a change -- (ironically) -- and that is that initial 10 x visits to mental health care specialist are now free in my region.

thank goodness for the web and good nature of most people!

the article link to Flashback management was spot on. Will be copying to keep on hand.

This time, as it was all happening & everything was all registering, and I knew it was all related but no NAME for it, therefore unable to do anything. That simple thing... "identification".. is extremely powerful. What a funny animal...humans LOL.
Can I also say that I felt like such a baby.

another huge learning this week is putting a name to stonewalling (silent treatment). Right beforehand I was receiving a lot of phantom accusations from my daughter, and I did not understand where on earth, or why. I am a dummy when it comes to these things, and I imagine many people would agree that life is busy enough without needing to label... but it helps. I feel for my daughter because I can see the massive turmoil (we both experience) and, as we try to communicate from the space of PAIN ... no-one is getting heard. Stonewalling can be defensive and necessary, 'cooling off' but after a prolonged pattern right after targeted attack (out of her pain) then the retreat >>> which damages healthy relationship with each other, and with my grandchildren ( rest of family). I could not take it anymore.. and have asked the universe to STOP.. no more.

....then we get to the link on setting healthy boundaries.

baby steps

thankyou Dutch Uncle