A LONG WILDERNESS TRAIL

[woodsgnome]

There is a time to every season.

The forest scene that appears atop my posts shows a long trail emerging from a fogbank hovering above an unseen river. This closely resembles an area I frequently visit less than a mile from my home. It also reflects my view of life as we journey through highs and lows, woods and fields, under a singular unity of being (not doing!). Sort of seeing life as its own meditation.

For quite a while now, my journey has wandered in, out, and around this forum and its associated parts, as when I found it I felt its potential to help my trudge along the trail. And, I found out, I was allowed to contribute to other peoples paths, sharing experiences and outlooks, without fear of judgement for my path. I found these to be important connections in a world where it's increasingly hard to do so, individually as well as socially. As a self-described erudite hermit I found this site/forum to be very grounding for where I needed to be, incorporating as it did the grit as well as the grace of the lives we've come to share here.

Right now that perspective has shifted a bit for me. I still find meaning seeing what's going on with my fellow travelers struggles and progress as expressed on these pages. I still find value in sharing some material I've come across, perhaps a video or article link or a pointer to what seemed helpful. Another recent change—after years of frustration with outside therapy—is that I've found a therapist who has the savvy and skill to work WITH me, not from a top-down-I-know-better-than-you-do perspective. Hers is an honest and in-depth approach, more than the typical t/client experience that discouraged me before.

But my personal inclination to expand beyond that via this forum seems to have faded, and so I thought I'd express that via this 'in/out' section. My immediate catalyst stems from a serious flashback/trigger that popped in, unexpectedly, following an ill-advised commentary/critique someone recently made in response to a reflection I'd shared about how I felt my acting background allowed me to find the elusive 'me' I'd always sought, hidden as it was in pain and grief. In their over-the-top response, the poster sought to shred what I'd shared from my heart into what they thought I should have said. The suggestion was that basically I'm a fool for being 'me'. Its condescending put-down tone hit me hard, brought up those flashbacks of my old abusers, and led me to reassess the good vibes I once felt so deeply here, when it seemed okay to be 'me'. Like so often that old bromide of 'just get over it' doesn't work. Now it just seems there's this cloud of potential critique and judgement waiting again to pounce on my every word, discerning even my own motivations and outlook for me.

So I might stick around, more on the periphery though; maybe post once in a while—probably just pass some info on, as my spirit remains but my recovery is too fragile to risk getting pounced on again. Maybe I'm too sensitive? If so, I'm proud I can feel that way, in large measure due to some things I've learned via this forum. Sensitivity is one bit of shame I can turn from being a downer to a source of pride.

My thanks to all who've shared the good, bad, and ugly as we venture on, trying so hard to make sense of the senseless. It may seem hopeless sometimes, but the storm really will pass, and the fog will lift with it. 

[Dutch Uncle]

But my personal inclination to expand beyond that via this forum seems to have faded, and so I thought I'd express that via this 'in/out' section. My immediate catalyst stems from a serious flashback/trigger that popped in, unexpectedly, following an ill-advised commentary/critique someone recently made in response to a reflection I'd shared about how I felt my acting background allowed me to find the elusive 'me' I'd always sought, hidden as it was in pain and grief. In their over-the-top response, the poster sought to shred what I'd shared from my heart into what they thought I should have said. The suggestion was that basically I'm a fool for being 'me'. Its condescending put-down tone hit me hard, brought up those flashbacks of my old abusers, and led me to reassess the good vibes I once felt so deeply here, when it seemed okay to be 'me'. Like so often that old bromide of 'just get over it' doesn't work. Now it just seems there's this cloud of potential critique and judgement waiting again to pounce on my every word, discerning even my own motivations and outlook for me.

I hope it wasn't me. 


I wish you well on your continuous journey and congratulate you on having found a T that is working with you.

All the best to you,
Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Woodsgnome, I am deeply sorry you have had such an experience here.     As safe and respectful and considerate as we try to keep things at OOTS it is in the nature of internet forums (and perhaps in being human), that there will inevitably be grit along with grace.

Like you, I am proud of that fact that those of us with CPTSD do tend to be sensitive people for I think the silver lining in our suffering is that we come to be people who understand the value of compassion and in living with that very grace you spoke about.  Unfortunately, early on in our anger and pain we may not speak wisely or humanely to our peers here and that is difficult I know for we have all had enough of that in our lives.

I am very happy to hear you have finally found a therapist with whom you feel safe and perhaps with her you can work together on what happened here.  And if you are so inclined to continue to post resources and so on, that would be most welcome as you have contributed much to this site. 

Please PM me anytime 

[MaryAnn]

Hi Woodsgnome,

I am sorry as well.  It happens from time to time on the site even though Kizzie and the rest of the team really try their best to monitor what is going back and forth.  I understand where you are coming from as I struggle with posting out of fear of the same thing.   Please know that you really do help many of us on this site.  I am never triggered by anything you write.  I look for your words of wisdom intentionally because reading them helps to calm me and put things back in to perspective.  So, reading this upset me because you always write such beautiful, kind, and meaningful words to express yourself and to also be helpful to others and mindful of not triggering them.  I will miss reading your posts since they will be less frequent but I understand.  And, same for me, PM anytime....

Lol, MaryAnn