Hi I'm Pam

[pam]

I usually skip over intros, but ok... 

I live in NY, grew up in CT, am 46 yo, no kids, been with present boyfriend since 1993, living together for 20 yrs. I don't work, am on disability because of CPTSD and SA (in the past, major depression too). I also have chronic pain in my back (degenerative disc disease) and so I can't stand for a long time, making it hard to return to work I did as a younger adult and teen--retail. I have a BA in Psychology, and an associate's in Accounting. We have a 10 yo chinchilla named Ruby. I like to paint and redo/upcycle furniture in shabby-chic style, and am still trying to teach myself how to play electric guitar. I'm in therapy since 2001 with a 2 yr break (where i made huge progress on my own). What's helped me the most is when I have a really understanding and validating therapist (rare) and inner child work (writing in inner child diaries).
 
Traumas:

~Mother died when i was 5. (she was healthy psychologically and we were close)
~Father is a narcissist.
~Stepmother and father became physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward me at 8 right after they married, and I felt like everyone wanted me dead by the time I was 9. Also because the only adults in my life hated me, i "figured" thru logic, that my own real mother, if still alive, would've hated me too (because I was such a bad girl).
~A wedge was driven between my younger sister and I by my SM and it ended up being forever--we are estranged.
~I was kept isolated socially (ie. not allowed to have friends over, or go to sleepovers, join girlscouts, do sports, play an instrument etc.
~Around 12 the 2 girls on my street that I liked and played with for yrs outside, turned on me and one threw a dog biscuit at me at the bus stop, everyone laughed. Was picked on by girls at school a lot.
~Date raped at 22 yo
~And finally, at 23, I moved to NY on the advice of my GM who I had always gotten along with. She was the only one I had, for 2 weeks a yr on summer vacation, who cared about me and I thought loved me. I also when older and had my own apt, talked to her on the phone once a month. She was like a best friend and mother rolled into one. And cool too--into astrology and drank, was up to date on all the styles etc. But within a month of moving here, I saw her true colors and it turned out she hated me too. This is the woman I confided in and trusted all those yrs. Kept me alive, "knowing" I at least had someone 400 miles away on my side throughout my horrible childhood. Well, she is a narcissist and is extremely manipulative and critical, has the sense of entitlement down perfectly and controls by being a martyr. Anyway, I was totally crushed by this (because I had no wall up with her at all, so I was an easy target) and became suicidal and extremely depressed because she turned on me, didn't really love me, which meant I never had ANYONE love me. This is also my mother's mother, and in her rejection of me, I felt vicariously rejected again by my dead mother because i thought the 3 of us were "3 peas in a pod." Turns out no one in my whole family cared if I was dead or a live.

Presently:

I have limited email contact with my disinterested irresponsible father.
I have no contact with my GM even tho yup, she's still alive at 94 and lives 20 minutes away. Her son is an ahole too, so I stopped talking to him too.
Sister lives in NC is a lawyer not married, no kids, but I guess lots of $$, whicj is all she ever cared about anyway.
I live with my boyfriend who also has CPTSD! So we have had a lot of struggling. We understand each other perfectly--when one of us/problems isn't triggering the other! But i love him and don't plan on going anywhere.

Future:

Even at our old ages (46 & 48) we want to have foster kids.
I hope to sell art or furniture someday.
Make good friends irl.
Get out of the snow belt and move to NM or AZ.
 

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Pam, nice to see you here!

Tks for doing the intro bit, it just helps everyone to get to know one another while we're still fairly small.

The blow dealt by your GM was soul crushing and I can see why it would have sealed the deal on your "people-are-dangerous program."  It's a testiment to your strength that you did pull out of that although I understand it must have been a long, tough journey and that you still struggle.  I know that you have done a lot of inner child work - has that helped?  I ask because Walker talks quite a bit about developmental arrests cause by trauma in childhood and the need to reparent ourselves. 

[pam]

Thanks Kizzie. Thanks for getting that my GM sealed the deal/was the final straw---a person can only take so much before you finally crumble I guess.

Inner child diary writing has helped me tremendously with letting them come back to life (rather than stay buried, on hold, stuck in their pain). My inner 5 yr old never finished grieving my mother, so we did that by writing about her feelings, writing Mommy a couple notes to tell her how she felt, and me and her crying really bad when we did that (or any time I reread what she wrote after, it would make me cry again). Somehow that got me unstuck enough so I didn't have such intense EFs in the present concerning anyone abandoning me. Any time felt abandoned by someone I'd relive the feelings of losing my mother (which were more intense than anything happening in the present). So I don't have to go thru that anymore. Now my feelings are more appropriate to the present situation.

I'm still working on the 9 yr old tho. She writes but I'm not sure where it's leading. She's the one who has the CPTSD. (The 5 yr old me wasn't abused). The only thing I can say for sure is she isn't depressed anymore. I believe holding them in/not letting them express their feelings will cause depression and vise versa. IDK if that applies to everyone. I do believe stifling oneself (or maybe what Walker refers to as self-abandonment) IS the cause of depression. But working on her self-esteem and trust, etc---I don't know, I don't have a real plan. I discover things as we go. It's going very slow. But at least it's going. 
 

[Badmemories]

Hi Pam Welcome to our forum. I think it is a great idea to foster children. There are so many children out there that really need a kind person to influence their life!

[pam]

Thank you Badmemories, I am procrastinating with it and worry I will not be able to handle them because my inner critic says to me "You don't even have any experience!" (at parenting I mean. But someday I will really do it....hopefully long before I turn 50 

[Kizzie]

Nobody has experience at parenting until they have kids lol. I think you will be a fun foster mom given you have gotten your inner child to come out and play 

[pam]

Thanks Kizzie--that's exactly what I try to tell myself to counter that criticism. I say At least I'm not as dumb as I was in my 20s, so I'd HAVE to be better at it now! Lol. Back then I would've spoiled them--given too much freedom and no limits (maybe created a monster!). But that would have just been in rebellion to my own childhood of oppression and restrictions. It wasn't until my late 30s that I learned how important (normal healthy) structure is, like bedtimes, reasonable rules, etc. Freedom and Responsibility are two sides of the same coin. 

[Kizzie]

Good coin analogy Pam - allowing kids the room to 'grow into themselves' but within healthy boundaries and with loving support. So hard to find that balance but in that I don't think we're much different than most parents. 

We just had some friends here from Calgary (Alberta) and we were complaining that our kids are too independent if you can imagine. Then we realized what we were saying and burst out laughing - it was a really nice, affirming moment that we and they have navigated the bumpy road of growing up pretty darn well. 

[Badmemories]

I don't think anyone appreciates parenting like US C-PTSD people do.  I spend lots of time with GD's and really enjoy giving them a good firm place to be!

[Kizzie]

So, so true BadMemories, I love knowing that my son will not carry on the cycle and that he is a happy, grounded young man. 

Can't wait for GC