Im having one now

[seasaw_]

I can hardly breathe, i feel trapped, alone, like there's no place to go, no place where i will ever feel safe, no way to ever get past feeling abandoned. Sobbing shaking just want to disappear.

[C.]

I am so sorry that you're experiencing such pain right now.  It's hard.  It's exhausting.  I've been there too.  It's been a while, but I remember having that same experience about 4-5 times/day for a while, curtains drawn, barely able to shower by dinner time...

I'm glad you were able to post here and reach out for support.  Since you're so stressed right now you can just click on the web site about managing emotional flashbacks and then find page 10 for a list of things you can do now.  You've already taken one of the steps which is to acknowledge that you are experiencing an emotional flashback.  Here's the link:

http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

[schrödinger's cat]

Seasaw_:    I hope you're feeling at least a little better by now. How are you now? Are you safe, or do you have to cope with triggering people/situations/places for a while longer?

[seasaw_]

Thank you read your replies. I am feeling somewhat better. I slept (with nightmares).  I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing... i guess my 'inner critic' is drowning everything out. It's making me want to lash out at my partner. A disagreement we had triggered this - maybe more honestly I was triggered and we had a disagreement - and I am totly perplexed in terms of how to honor my own feelings, ask for what I need, speak up for my own boundaries when they're crossed, and be fair and say 'look I know this isn't all your fault' at the same time. Rather.... I'm only saying 'sorry, i shouldnt be freaking out on you' and freaking out on him.

Im so frustrated with me brain. I feel like i ahould just pack my bags. When actually i know i am loved.  !!!!

[Sandals]

Can you try connecting with your inner child when you begin feeling this way? Picture your inner child and what s/he is trying to say to you?

I'm so glad you are loved, and please know that you are lovable and very worthy of all the love in the world.

[schrödinger's cat]

Seasaw_, it's so sweet-natured and good of you to worry about your partner. You seem very aware of what it's like for them. Given how many of us here have grown up with narcissists, I've begun to see that particular kind of empathy as a sign of goodness and robust mental health. So kudos to you for that.    Also, you seem so committed to protecting them. You want to be kind and fair. That's nothing to be taken for granted.

I am totly perplexed in terms of how to honor my own feelings, ask for what I need, speak up for my own boundaries when they're crossed, and be fair and say 'look I know this isn't all your fault' at the same time.

Those are high standards. I'm not sure that most non-CPTSD people could do all that. Learning how to do that takes much practice, or at least that's the impression I have. Usually, people get this modelled by their parents and caregivers. Which, given that we're all from homes that got us saddled with CPTSD, probably means that you and I and most people on OOTS have to learn this from books. And that just takes time. It's sad, because the lack of this skill keeps on hurting us and it's also hurting others. But if you fail to flawlessly do all that while you're in the middle of a flashback, don't beat yourself up. Start small. Probably easy to say and hard to do, sorry.

Hm. Do you think you could do those things at separate times? Honouring your feelings: I don't know much about that, just that keeping a "feelings journal" helps. It's this simple idea - you write down three times a day how you're feeling. That's it. It's helped me loads. There are probably many other things we can do to reconnect to our feelings, and to honour them. My point is, maybe if you do that as ONE single step, just that, without piling other goals on top, then it's a bit less daunting?

Asking for what you need - it's ideal if we can do this when we need something. But to begin with, maybe it's an easier step to talk about things later. Too late for your particular need, but maybe it'll help you practice? Or you can talk about what you generally need if you're flashing back (or if you're stressed, if you're sick, if you're sad...). That way, your partner has a kind of general idea about Seasaw_ care and maintenance. It'll make them feel less disoriented.

When your boundaries are crossed... is there something small and easy and non-daunting you could do to signal to your partner that something's off? Something you could talk about beforehand, so your partner will know what you mean? Something like... physically backing away from them, or holding up your hands, or making the "time out" sign, or saying "ugh, I'm feeling uncomfortable with this", or "uh-oh", or "honey, you really really remind me of my mother right now"...? Maybe that's just me, but it's a LOT easier to talk about my boundaries during a quiet, peaceful hour when I'm not being triggered. That lays some kind of groundwork. So while I'm having my boundaries overstepped, I don't actually have to explain everything from scratch, I can just remind my husband of the things we talked about. A LOT easier to do.

Sorry for that advice-dump. Ignore it if it's not helpful. Like I said, you sound so sincerely committed to recovering and to protecting your partner, I'm sure you'll come up with something sooner or later. All the best to you. 

[no_more_fear]

Seesaw_

How are you? I want you to know your not alone in this. I'm here with you and I'm thinking of you. I'm having FB's pretty much all the time myself and feeling all the emotions you are. I'm here for you whenever you need me.