Panther state

[jessetwigg]

One of the hardest things to cope and try to manage is the sheer overwhelming power of my thoughts and feelings. When something sends my brain into overdrive (the irrational feeling that ive said something wrong usually does it) its so impossible to stop. I HAVE TO say something and usually go on a big ramble. If i dont say something the thoughts get stronger and stronger and turn inward into self hate, self harm thoughts  (i dont do that tho) or drive me into some weird drugged feeling.
I call all this the panther stare (term coined two days ago) because a black panther is so incredibly strong, sly and fast and thats how all this feels. Usually I end up making things worse or feel like i do anyway.
Does any of that make sense like it fits into cptsd cause I really don't know what any of it is. Anyone who has experienced any of it help cause its the worse feeling being out of control of yourself and not even knowing why.

[Jdog]

Hi, Panther-

Yes, what you describe sounds very familiar.  If you have a chance, delve into Pete Walker's writings a bit (he is a therapist who is a cptsd survivor too) and I think you may find that you are describing the effects of an Emotional Flashback.  We become triggered by something in the "now" that flashes our feelings back to something (often unnamed) that occurred in the past and a tailspin begins.  It feels awful, out of control, scary.  For me, I experience panic attacks (less now than before, but still can happen), physical "somatic" symptoms (maybe palpitations, digestive problems, even joint pain) and the urge to "fix" the problem or the urge to run and hide.

Yes, very scary.  It has taken much work with a patient therapist for me to first indentify these states, learn to remind myself that I am safe in the "now" and not a little kid being blamed or hurt, and then be patient with myself as the episode works itself out.  Exhausting, but with practice and time one can learn some coping strategies.

Hang in there, know that you are not crazy or alone in this.  Keep posting.

[mourningdove]

Hi BlackPanther,

I agree with Jdog that this sounds like a pretty typical CPTSD emotional flashback, especially with the shame component and the urgency and overwhelm of feelings and thoughts.

I'm wondering what you meant by "weird drugged feeling," because it might be some form of dissociation, which would also be very common for someone with CPTSD. 

You're not alone 

[jessetwigg]

Hey,

Thanks for the reference material. I'll certainly see if I can get my hands on it.

It surprising that you suggest its that. I never actually thought about that, I always thought it was just anxiety or me being super irritable or not having any social skills i suppose.
Could it still be emotional flashbacks if the events that lead it all this only stopped a couple years ago? Although when I think about it there are reasons to say it has been going on since I was a child but that's a different kettle of fish but the most intense parts of my story lasted 6yrs and only stopped a couple years ago.
I really don't have any idea what is going on with me, whether there is actually something wrong or if I'm just thinking things are worse then they actually are. I don't know if a psychotherapist would actually believe me or take me seriously. I tend to downplay things when talking to someone face to face. I'm ultra modest and hate making a fuss.
My weird drugged feeling I mean it's like.. hmm .. like my brain switches off for a bit and it's like a bit like a trance, umm like being tipsy without being bouncing happy like you get when drinking, yeah like that, tipsy but mellowed out and sorta just feel like staring off or listening to music. It doesn't happen very often anymore cause for ages I just let my emotions spill over into anger or ramblings but I'm trying to stop that now so it might start happening more often but I hope not.

Does any of that make sense?