My effect on others and their war with my exsistance.

[chairmanmeow]

This has been going on for a very long time, Im well past being blindsided and know the cause and effects and what to expect from my shot sympathetic nervous system. Lately my whole universe has been up-heaved again the losses weigh heaver then I think you can expect anyone to keep sanity. Two years has past, I feel maybe Im done grieving and have more of a understanding and handle on whats going on in myself then ever. My endless issue is the demands people feel entitled too..   

I just wish people would not ask, I keep it all to myself, they cant relate and I get another rehash of the "just get over it, or someone painting some kinda comparison of their or someone elses plight as if its going to what? Change whats been physically destroyed in my brain? Motivate me or something? Its not like Im whining about it, THEY are the ones that brought it up to begin with! ARGHH..

Ok so I can be slightly hostile on the subject, and that is something apparently I have no right to either. As a male weakness is intolerable, its like I cant escape the continual beatings across so many levels. Heres a short list of what life has taught me and how taboo Im starting to feel my whole exsistance has become..

1. Anything that creates or brings lasting happiness to a persons life is a commodity that there is a mob of people ready to steal it all from you or punish you for having.

I never had many dreams or expectations. Life is unfair and a life that I have to fight constantly is not a life Im cut out to live. I never even considered I could have a family, Iv taken the relationship card off the table all together. Its even worst I had that for a short time and a son and was very happy before it all was manipulated away, everyone wants what they want, I am discarded yet again, such is the pattern.

2. If your seen as smart people have a tendency to raise you higher or put themselves lower. The natural result of this position leads to resentment, competition, and pretenses to destroy you and enjoy your suffering guilt free by villionizing you the second you no longer serve their needs, or chafe their insecurities.

I cant escape it, my entire life Im seen as the smart able guy, the person who is best qualified to "get it done" or who knows stuff. Sure when I put it like that it sounds like a great trait to have, its *. People want me to solve their problems for them and watch everything good in my life burn to cinders and put me in my place since they misfiled me in the first place.

Iv become rather stoic, I hurt a lot, I must not hide it well enough anymore. "Am I okay" no but its not like I can talk about it. Its apparently ok to shove this other concept down your throat too the "cant you just be positive and happy" speech. Again its not like I run around complaining or catastriphizing, if you beat me up untill I have to talk to make you comfortable its going to go one of two ways, Im going to be bored and distant or anxious and shut down because your saddling me with your expectations, or I do talk and being so familiar with getting beat up with the darker aspects of human nature (which I can see as just part of the whole) and speak matter of factually is too much for people. They turn a blind eye to themselves and I tend to spell things out in a way denial wont help cover. I have nothing to say to anyone anymore, I just hurt people and all they do is hurt me. Even the fact that Im wise enough to abandon the relationship and not submit myself the the anxiety induced by someone playing with my emotions, and them getting attached to someone so ruined it will just hurt them, is unacceptable I allways get what I call the "your just too jaded and shouldent give up on love" speech.

My exsistance is offensive, and the things people tell me is for their own benefit, they self validate their own beliefs and systems of coping with an unkind reality. And with that everything is completely taken away from me. Im thoroughly invalidated, they take my voice, my frustration, my very real daily struggle is mere whining, Im not allowed any of it. I may be even slightly passively suicidal at this point Im undone not having to look at another day of this would be a relief, given the circumstances its a reasonable feeling, BUT even that is an offense! Because most are afraid of something heading everyones way on a long enough timeline, so you get another "speech of what I need to be true to cope" I am comfortable in my refuge of silence, of hobbies, or books, and film, my isolation, but even then they come to drag you out into the light and stab you with their sticks until they themselves are satisfied with the unpleasantness you turn in themselfs. Just listening to these self appointed "Fixers" in the speeches they force on you, you can see the intimate details of the glue they use to cope, silence invites so much out of people.

Im out of ideas, I dont have the energy to act. The farther I try to get away it seems the more of a draw I have, and being a cornered thing I am offensive to their natures. I am allways weary of an inner critic, its taken years of a grain of salt of self blame and observations, these effects are real and happening in those around myself, not warped perception.

[Danaus plexippus]

if staying home alone with your books and your hobbies is where it's at for you, lock the door, disconnect the bell, turn off your phone and delete your email account. I lived without a phone for 5 years. I still keep my doorbell disconnected and I rarely read more than one out of dozens of emails. Ah, peace and quiet. Don't you just love it?   

[chairmanmeow]

I wish it were that simple, one winter i remember I never left my house, people became concerned lol, My continued living requires some level of dealing with people regularly. And I do without complaint..
Changed up my diet a lot, lots of fatty fish, Vitaimins B-complex, magnesium citrate, drinking that Naked juice stuff, put stuff back into my system.. left to my own devices I suck at feeding myself. The Idea was to get my energy back and put some stuff back in my system to recover from the fatigue interesting side effects the magnesium must be catalyzing the vitamin D and having that antidepressant effect it has.
I find myself at the store getting good conditioner and shampoo, doing laundry, motivated to take care of things and myself Iv lost interest in. just in a better frame of mind a couple days after juice binging, maybe its just a depressive state tearing me down...
well roots makes this supplement I actually found one with passion flower and some other things in it I cant ever seem to find so I got that too... I need to beat this back and the inadvertent diet over haul seems to be helping a lot, which is progress I really need right now.
My stupid mood seems to affect a lot more then I take for granted... I have a habit of listening to my body. People dont feel so terribly unbearable so much though Im still not talking about it rawer lol