Triggers and crying spells non-stop

[Daughter of Light]

*Possible Trigger Warning* I can't seem to cope with my emotional flashbacks. I'm typing this with tears still streaming down my face. Lately I get triggered so easily and it leaves me feeling helpless; that has led to a relapse in my AN recovery and general self neglect. I also picked up smoking cigarettes again, after I was doing so well, because I just can't seem to cope.

Sometimes it's big things that trigger me and I'm trying to be more self-compassionate about it, but sometimes the little things wreck my day. Lately it's been before my fiance leaves for work. Like this morning, he might just say something like "Oh, I've really gotta get going!", and even though I know he isn't telling me I'm making him late or holding him back,  that's what I seem to hear. It triggers me and I get thrown into a crying fit which makes him feel bad about leaving, but I can't help it.

I know he understands, I just wish I didn't make things so difficult for the both of us. I want to learn how to cope and not catastrophize. I've read a lot of Pete Walker's site and its all really helpful, but it just feels like I'm not making progress. The crying spells and angry outbursts are the worse! I want to stop lashing out and figure out how to not be such a mess all the time.

Thank you for reading.

~Daughter of Light~

[Alice97]

Daughter of Light I'm so sorry you are struggling so much right now    EFs are the worst. You aren't alone, we're right here struggling along with you. And I relate to feeling guilty for making things difficult for people, but I have to remind myself that I often see things as being worse than they actually are, and that the people who really care won't be burdened by me, but they will be glad to help. Sending you lots of love and positive energy 

May I ask if you have seen a doctor or therapist about your troubles?

[Daughter of Light]

Alice, Thank you for your positive encouragement and support! I do see a therapist (actually have an app. in 15 mins) and I feel it helps, but I get triggered often. This morning I woke I from a dream that left me feeling violated and triggered. This happens frequently and the worst part is I just remember how I felt, not the dream itself, which makes it harder to analyze. Thank you again for your reply.

Fondly,

~Daughter of Light~