Dating

[chiraheally]

HI, I am back after a too long absence.  I realise how much this site is a help, my own journalling is just not enough!
I just read another post about dating and got up the courage to write my own. 

Met someone on an internet dating site on Sunday and the same pattern emerged as with the other two men I met recently:  I idealise them and refuse to see the "whole picture" so that I start falling in love with then within a few days of contact (even when I haven´t met them) and then of course I fall down hard onto the cold concrete floor called reality.

I then go through a major grief process as I am confronted with my inability to trust my own perceptions.

Still, what I did differently today was: I recognised that my inner critic was taking the stage and whipping me into a depression which I stopped and through journalling got myself a little bit of perspective back.

My therapist had opened my eyes yesterday as I went into my session already in the opiate-induced state of being "in-love" ish.  When I described the situation she asked me "why did you give him your address the day after you met him on the internet?" and I realised how dangerously I had acted, especially given that I have a 4-year-old daughter.  He had insisted on coming to bring me gifts (the day after we had exchanged four medium-lengthed messages and had agreed to meet) and even after I had said no, not tonight, he asked if he could leave them at the door for me, at which I gave in and met him outside.  But at the time I did not see that he had disregarded my boundaries (my perennial issue) and that I had not protected them.  He came again the following night and although I had not asked him nor consented to this, brought a charger to charge my car battery (i can´t afford to drive it so it has been sitting on the street for a year now) and spent two hours doing so.  All the while I am foolishly feeling like he is some kind of knight rescuing me, when in reality, I don´t need the "(§/$& car and I would have preferred that he ask me out on saturday night when my daughter is at her father´s like I had specified on my profile. 

Am mad at myself for not holding my own needs in awareness and projecting my inner child´s need to be loved and rained attention on, onto my adult (!) relationships.  But, I remind myself, being compassionate with myself is much more productive than being mad at myself.

Still, I am grieving: my loneliness and desperate need for male attention; my inability to self care often especially when it comes to men;  my idealisation of rather unstable men; and my inability to stay on the ground and hold the process of getting to know someone without instantly falling in love with them.

mantra: I am learning from each and every valuable mistake I make and I love my mistakes, the more the better, keep them coming, amen.

thanks for reading, hope you are all having a lovely day!

xxxx  Chira

[arpy1]

wow! that's a whole lot of lightbulb moments, chiraheally! hi, by the way, not met before  nice to meet you.

all the realisations you had and the way you dealt with the critic are huge things.  respect to you. 

boundaries... yep. i never had them, never thought i was allowed to have them, never learnt the skills to build 'em... know where you are coming from.  much courage to you as you take the steps you need to protect yourself and your little girl now you have seen the inner process that trips you up.  keep us posted, we want to support.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Chiraheally 

Thanks for sharing this story of learning and recovery.
to you.

Welcome back, I'd say. 

[susie777]

Hi Chiraheally,

Ooh, isn't that a particularly sharp kind of pain, the one where you know you're letting your boundaries be violated?

I dunno, the whole being in love thing is so hard isn't it because (a) it's delicious and (b) there's an element of boundary-dissolving to it that's lovely.  But then like you say, feeling like this is way too early when it's only been a few days - I do that too, I've always done it. 

I thought it was quite poignant what you said about projecting your inner child's need to be loved onto men in these situations.  I think that's what's so grief-striking about it because it's like we're jumping in and doing something that our inner child wants while at the same time exposing them to the dangers that they really don't need.  It's so complicated and sad.  But I think it's really cool the level of insight you have, and that you're learning to have care and compassion for that inner kid, even though you are kicking yourself.

I'm interested in what you said about realising your inner critic was whipping you into a depression. That idea only occurred to me this morning that the inner critic may be behind the depression.  Do you have any more insights to share on that?

Cheers,
Sue

[rlg6859]

Thank you for sharing this, Chira.

I literally bursted in tears reading this, and that's ok.  I can fully relate to what you posted.  In a bout of frustration with my counselor and a deep depression, I joined Tinder because I missed male attention.  I actually did go out on a date with a guy in a proper, public place and had a great time.  He was respectful and interesting.  Yet, soon after this he called me to tell me he was going to jail for really old bench warrant.  Then, when he got out, he called to tell me that his dad broke both his legs in a car accident and had to go states away to help him.  I don't think he was lying to me about this stuff.  In my experience, guys will usually just not talk to you, if they are not interested.  I was impressed that he was decent enough to tell me why he would not be available.  Still, my problem with easily catching feelings for men got me, and all this did affect me emotionally more than probably the average person.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still a 13 year old girl when it comes with dating, except when I was 13, I was more carefree with boys and more confident.

Feeling pretty down about all this, I just went back to Tinder and started talking to someone older who I found attractive.  He made it quite clear that he just wanted to hook up, and I just went with it because I wanted attention and affection.  My ex was abusive and raped me, so I had not had physical contact with anyone for almost a year.  I was viewing all this as sexual healing, but in the back of my mind there was this hope that maybe it could turn into something more.  This hope was also returned with another thought of reality that it wasn't going to turn into anything.  We would text a whole lot and even when he asked me for pics and I really didn't want to, I would.  I was trying not to like him, but, of course, I did.  And sometimes, it seemed like he may have liked me, but he is in a different spot in his life than me and he lives a hour away.

Towards the beginning before I met him, I knew I was setting myself up for emotional disaster, that I was gravitating towards someone who confirms this warped perception of not being good enough for someone.  I knew I was traumatizing myself because that is what I know.  We were having fun, but a couple days ago, he said that the drive is too far for him...that he wished it wasn't that way.  After I expressed how I was mad at myself because I knew it would be this way, he was curious as to how I was feeling.  I was able to open up to him that I have a tendency for self-destruction and self-sabotage and that I was probably sabotaging myself by even telling him that.  I also told him I was starting to like him even though I knew it was just sex. He replied that I didn't sabotage myself and showed some understanding saying that how is anybody supposed to know where you are coming from if you don't talk about your problems.  I wasn't expecting him to be accepting and nice, so it made me like him more.  He ended up seeing me that night, despite the distance.  I was pretty happy until the next day when he stopped replying to my texts.  Rationally, I should be grateful that he cut it off since he knew I was developing feelings.  In the past, guys have continued to use me despite knowing that I liked them and that they wouldn't return the feeling.  Yet, I'm pretty upset.  I sent him a text saying that it was confusing for me because he said the distance was long and then still came over that night.  He's on Tinder.  He found somebody closer.  That's what I hate about dating sites; you can always find somebody else, somebody better.  I tried to go onto Tinder, but right now, it disgusts me.

I'm disgusted I let a stranger into my house and had sex with him multiple times.  I'm worried that I will do it again because now that I broke this dry spell, I am aware of these physical needs.  I don't think I have ever slept with someone who actually cared about me and I am increasingly believing I never will.

I know I am an attractive person.  I don't know why I let men get to me, well I do know, but I don't know how to break the cycle.  My counselor said I should view this time in my life as a fun dating time.  Yet, it seems like dating is too traumatizing for me.  She told me this before I joined Tinder.  I actually haven't spoken to her for weeks because I was super depressed to the point I didn't want to hear her input and didn't want to get chastised for my poor decision to get involved in casual sex.  I'm in e-therapy, so I finally messaged her but got notice that she is not counselor there anymore.  So, now I wait for a new counselor, and write in here and try to refrain from using Tinder.

[Ronin]

The need to pacify the inner child is a hard one for me also. I have been known to go to extraordinarily stupid lengths to maintain a woman's attention. I've put myself at risk financially, emotionally, and physically. I've only recently started to grasp this reality.

Thank you all for your posts. It really helps me see what I've been doing to myself. I can truly relate to Chira's post. I meet woman and idealize them. I ignore the red flags. OK, who am I kidding, I ignore the red fireworks!