Why do I feel anxious seeing a therapist?

[sanmagic7]

why don't you just snap out of it and grow up?  maybe it's cuz you're stuck in an emotional place of immaturity.  i don't mean that to sound like a bad thing.  for example, often times, when we're traumatized, we get stuck at that spot in our emotional age, and continue to repeat the thoughts and feelings that were happening at the time.   we continue to grow physically, but the traumatic situation keeps us stuck, and as we age, we operate in an adult body that contains the emotional maturity of the child who was hurt.  does that make sense?  in my own life, part of my trauma happened at around 13, when i turned to my parents for emotional support and comfort, and they had none to give.  from that time on, until just recently (i'm in my 60's!) i operated from that 13-yr. old place of believing i only had myself to depend on to take care of me, emotionally, and that's where my focus went.  as a result, i had little consideration for the feelings of others, had little compassion for their emotional pain.  my thoughts were that we all need to take care of ourselves emotionally, and i was extremely careless with the emotions of others (at the same time i was a total people pleaser, giving out compliments, wanting people to like me so i would have someone there if i truly needed someone.  it was a weird cycle.)   i'd been told i was arrogant, intimidating,  and without compassion on more than one occasion.  but, it was all a defense mechanism that i'd adopted as that 13-yr. old, a self-protective way of dealing with the world. 

part of what is helping me break that cycle and grow up emotionally (after i finally realized what was going on) has been inner child work.  my parents are dead, so i can't talk to them about it.  but, i write about it, speak to my little girl, assure her that the adult me who has accomplished so much in my life (as i'm sure you have - driving, paying bills, keeping a checkbook, having a job, (examples) - all those adult things you've accomplished that a child would not be able to do) will now take care of her, will be there for her, will not abandon her or send her away.  in short, i tell her all the things i needed for my parents to tell me, and it's been helping quite a bit.  (someone had suggested this to me, and i'm so grateful.) 

but, no, i haven't snapped out of it.  growing up is a process, and takes time, patience, and mistakes.  and, it sounds like doing something physical has been helping.  keep up the good work!  just my thoughts, of course.  good luck with the new shrink.  i do hope there is no conflict there w/ your therapist.  and congrats on calling for the appt., even w/ your aversion to phones.  that took a lot of guts!  it sounds to me like you're moving forward, step by step.  every step is progress (even if it's a step back.  those are learning opportunities.), so every step counts.  best to you! 

i understand about the connection between your therapist and shrink.  that makes sense.