Please tell me if you think I'm being too sensitive. I'm still learning to know

writetolife · October 02, 2016, 02:52:15 AM

So yeah. This happened tonight, which left me kind of hurt and surprised. And I'm torn between thinking that I'm way too sensitive and thinking that the other person involved was trying to make me feel crazy or ashamed. Any sort of constructive input would be greatly appreciated.

So, I bought a ring based on the rings from the Lord of the Rings, with the Elvish inscriptions and everything. I really like it, and I'm telling this person about it, probably not for the first time over the last couple of days. This person, I'll call him D, tells me about this group of people who heard about who used to wear the rings and think they really had the powers and bla bla bla. And then asks me, "Do you think you have powers?" totally dead pan. And just waits for an answer. At this point, I'm so dumbfounded by the question (I am a very conservative and not altogether unstudied Christian, as is D) that I'm just staring at him. I watch his face fall with this look of like "Oh my goodness, does she really?" before I manage to get out, "Why would you even ask that?" To which he replies "I was just joking" and puts a smile on his face.

I know this is a stupidly mundane question, but I'm still trying to learn to identify gaslighting, etc. And your help would sure be appreciated.

Thank you so much.

Three Roses · October 02, 2016, 04:44:43 AM

We've learned to second-guess ourselves, having lived thru the things we have lived thru and being told to "get over it" or "why are you so upset?" We learned to ignore that little voice that says, "Something's not right," until we almost have lost the ability to even hear it.

Trust your gut on this one. If something felt "off", it probably is. I would totally keep it in the back of my mind and be watchful. Be good to you!

writetolife · October 02, 2016, 04:59:48 AM

Thank you Three Roses. I appreciate it. I'm at the beginning stages of learning to trust myself. The person who said it is a narcissist, so I should probably assume that it was meant poorly because it is part of a 25 year string of psychological abuse of every type, but you know, that would be too simple. Also, my emotions have been freaking out all day and I can't get them to settle down, so that somehow makes this seem like a lot bigger issue than it actually is.

radical · October 02, 2016, 05:29:41 AM

Before i read about the 25 years of narcissistic abuse, I thought, you're not over-sensitive, I would have been offended, but D might just be a patronising twit, but since you mentioned the 25 years, I'd say you most likely right about the gaslighting. with gaslighting, one of the infuriating things is that you can only see the pattern. Every individual item is usually plausibly deniable.

writetolife · October 02, 2016, 05:39:30 AM

Thank you, Radical.

And yes, the plausible deniability ALL THE TIME. It's so hard to get it through your own head that the person is intentionally hurting you when they always have a way out and you're obviously just easily offended or looking for the worst in the other person or GASP...over sensitive. Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. I know. The whole point is that you're left thinking that you're a horrible person or at least feeling very confused and misunderstood. But there's still that part of you that's whispering, "but what if he was just joking and you're thinking so badly of him..."

Sorry. End rant.

Survivor526 · October 02, 2016, 07:38:16 AM

"You're being too sensitive" is a phrase that narcs use in order to make our reaction to their butthead remarks our fault instead of theirs. Before I read your whole message I thought that maybe you'd misunderstood the other guy's meaning but no, I really don't think you did. "Just kidding" is something narcs say after they've said something unkind as well. It makes me wonder if your "friend" has any other narc traits.

sanmagic7 · October 03, 2016, 10:16:47 PM

i read a post where a person said 'i'm as sensitive as i need to be for myself' and i'll never forget that. i can't tell you how many times i've felt or been told that i'm too sensitive. now, the thought that i'm just the right amount of sensitive for me is comforting and reassuring. and, personally, i don't like those 'just kidding' games. if another person and i are kidding around, we don't need to say that. we know.

unfortunately, i have to watch out for that, because i can have a very deadpan delivery, and this just reinforced that it isn't funny, isn't cute or smart to pull out the 'just kidding' card. so, you've taught me something i needed to learn. thank you.

writetolife · October 04, 2016, 01:57:12 AM

Sanmagic7

Quoteunfortunately, i have to watch out for that, because i can have a very deadpan delivery, and this just reinforced that it isn't funny, isn't cute or smart to pull out the 'just kidding' card. so, you've taught me something i needed to learn. thank you.

I don't think the phrase "just kidding" or the deadpan delivery are really problems in themselves. I think it gets bad when someone uses "just kidding" to shirk responsibility for their actions or to sneak in insults. You can say that you're kidding, but then realize that you hurt someone and then apologize. That's totally different than hurting someone (especially intentionally) and then making it the other person's fault by basically saying, "you aren't allowed to be hurt by a joke. What's your problem?"

Maybe you're being a bit hard on yourself?

sanmagic7 · October 04, 2016, 12:49:16 PM

well, thank you for that, writetolife. still, i've been misinterpreted quite a bit, people have felt attacked or confused, so i still think it's something i need to tone down. this was a good reminder that words can hurt because they have a lot of power.

Wife#2 · October 04, 2016, 01:18:46 PM

*** Write - the part that caught my attention was that his face fell before you could catch your breath and respond. No, I do NOT think you are being too sensitive.

By the way, I used to hear 'I was just kidding' a lot from my stepson when, clearly, he wasn't. His life is a path directly to the cPTSD door, but he refuses (like his father) to see this. Anyway, he uses the excuse 'I was just kidding' when his barb hit too close to home and PO'd the person he was talking to. We finally had to explain that 'I was just kidding' is not a get-out-of-trouble card to be thrown down instead of taking responsibility for his words.

It took me a while to learn his sense of humor, which is pretty caustic and dry. We have that in common. We both are prone to sarcasm. So, now, I've learned to check for the 'I'm kidding' glint in his eye. Then, I just roll my eyes and wait to see if his father is going to take the bait. If the glint is not there, I'll reprimand him for speaking hurtfully. No 'I was just kidding' is going to make hurtful statements better. His eyes tell me his mood and intent.

*** San - it can be hard to read the other person and tell if they can appreciate your humor or not. If someone took your humor wrong, it's really easy to help them understand that you meant no harm. 'Oh, I didn't mean anything by that, I was trying to be funny. I'm sorry I missed the target.' That would go a long way to securing the other person's understanding and awareness than 'I was JUST kidding'.

sanmagic7 · October 04, 2016, 04:04:16 PM

thanks for the verbal help, wife#2. appreciated. sometimes i get stuck with what to say in those situations. i often say - i was just teasing, or i didn't mean it like that - but if they can't tell, then i must not have enough 'teasing' tone in my voice or something. i'll work on it.