Disability

[emotion overload]

So, I was at my T today, and they happened to be doing disability evaluations for other people.  It is something I have thought about quite a bit for myself.

My husband died in 2008, leaving me with SS payments that basically take care of my modest living situation.  The biggest strain is medical costs.  I have over $500 month just for medical insurance for me and my dd, and that doesn't even come close to dealing with the copays, deductibles and max out of pocket charges.  I self pay therapy (no difference really, my specialist copay is 50 bucks, and since my t is out of network, that is the price I pay without insurance.  Bless her)

I have considered filing for SSD.  I can't go to the grocery store, much less work.  But it feels like giving up.  My T said that I should apply, and if I get to the point that I can work again, I just stop the SSD and go to work.  I have a 20 year history of mental illness, 3 psychiatrists, numerous counselors, a diagnosis of PTSD and Major Depression, and a recently added diagnosis of IBS.  Having medicaid would be such a relief in that I could address my health issues.  Oh, and lets include the 15 years of substance abuse. 

Even in this post, I want to justify my reasons.  It feels like a draw to the system. Like I am playing it somehow.  Does anyone have any input?  Do you judge me for even thinking of going down this path?

[schrödinger's cat]

No. After all, I'm in a good position to know that emotional injuries are just as debilitating as physical ones.

I understand about the hesitation, though. I felt something similar when I thought about filing for social support when I was jobless. Turned out I'd internalized my parents' stubborn refusal to "accept handouts" (i.e. to use legal and reasonable means of support). I once applied for a support fund from a charitable Christian organization. The woman there was kind and supportive. When she calculated my income and savings and so on and told me that I was applicable for support because I was under the poverty line, I was in tears. I was never in tears at that time; I was mostly numb. But simply just finding help was such an extraordinary, unexpected relief. I only noticed then that all the penny-pinching and doing without had just completely worn me out.

I've since read that studies have proven: if you're constantly "doing without", that takes up a lot of energy that you then don't have for other things. So all the things wealthy people tell themselves - "oh, if I were poor, I'd save money or gain an income by such-and-such a time-consuming and complicated strategy" - that's cloud cuckoo land.

If this SSD thing gets you the resources you need to recover, then doesn't it follow that you're doing the exact opposite of giving up?

[coda]

No one would judge you for availing yourself of help that's available, you could use, and you are legitimately entitled to. No one, save those inner and real-life critics who've undermined you all along. You're not gaming the system: it's one of the few, slender safety nets designed to make life just a bit easier. And that kind of help (a little respite from constant financial worry) could make a huge difference in your current outlook and ultimate recovery.

We are forever self-punishing, seeing our problems as moral weakness instead of the very real result of inflicted damage. Not hard to think how that developed...but very hard to think otherwise, at least deep down. Listen, I think you should apply. I believe there are agencies that will help, and that if you are granted SS Disability you are eligible for Medicare. Alas, there's no help for all those good T's who don't accept insurance.

[Badmemories]

I in fact am waiting for a determination for SSDI right now. I have fought going on it for years. On paper I have been eligible for years. I felt bad... finally doing it, but remember You worked all those years and put money into the system.. It is not a handout but a benefit of working. (If you did not work YOUR Husband did and paid it in for YOU!)

Are You in USA? have You gone to a social worker to see about having more of your health insurance paid? With the New Obama care plans most people are eligible for inclusion in some plans that don't cost as much and cover as much or more.

[emotion overload]

I am in the USA, and I had a very good paying job for a decade.  I understand there is a time frame for me to apply to keep credit for those years taht I worked.

I have obamacare.  It is $360/month with a $500 prescription deductible and a $1750 general deductible.  It's nearly worthless to me.  I think I filled the income section out wrong due to my SSI income that I get for my husband's death, and I'm praying for a more reasonable plan this year. 

I called a lawyer yesterday.  I hear mixed things - I have a friend that said try to do it on my own first.  But people almost always get denied that way.  So I am not sure what to do. 

[Badmemories]

I would always apply for Myself the first time..
When You fill out the papers be sure and write about the worst you can be. That is the standard they really want to hear.
You can do most of it online. the sooner You start the process the More back pay they will give you.
Also You are right you want to get the papers filled out as soon as possible... some of the years will drop off, and yu would get less money!
Hopefully next open date You can get a better insurance.
I think this will be aq possitive thing to do!

[Badmemories]

 HI emotion overload 

I saw this post while looking for another one. I wondered how are things going did You apply for benefits?


Keep On Keeping ON!

[Badmemories]

Thank You be healthy.. I filed Mine in May and are hoping to hear something soon! I was in such depression that I did not fill out the papers on time. I did finally get them in. I told the worker that I was so depressed that I could not gt out of bed.. and that I was having panic attacks, and the paperwork made it so that I was having flashbacks! All of that true! My uNPD Husband is waiting for me to get the check...  so that Did not make me want to file it quickly anyway! I am going to have to set some boundaries on that I guess.. right now he is going through HIS list of things he needs, things the mobile home court needs... Like he used to do when I used to go to town with him and he always had most of MY check spent before I got it and now he says " I don't know what You did with all the money You made! You just wasted it!"

Any Ideas on how I can handle that? Hopefully I did not hi jack this thread!
Keep on keeping on! 

[Kizzie]

Hi BadMemories - I'm glad to hear you have filed your claim - takes some strength to do I know, but sorry to hear you have some problems with your H in that regard.   

Could I suggest you post the second part of this post in a new thread in the forum "Our Relationships with Others" so that this thread doesn't veer off course, and members can give you some guidance regarding relationships, setting boundaries (which can be hard to do when we have CPTSD), etc. 

Hope you and your H are able to work this out!

[Badmemories]

It went through! I got the paperwork today! I am going to get SSDI starting later this month!
this will help me with lots of things that i need to take care of! I will finally have enough money to pay someone to get water in My mobile home! Yeah! i am so happy!

Keep on keeping on!

[Rain]

 

[Badmemories]

I am so excited! I have been staying at My daughters house... she is nice to me and everything but I don't think She is really aware of HOW handicapped I really am! She really treats me like a nanny...thinking that I could do all her housework, babysit for the kids, (she works a lot of hours) Even when she is home... I still end up spending most of My time with the Grand daughters... I love them but I am trying so hard to work on this other stuff...I need some alone time though!

Then when I need a break from GD's then I go to Hubby's he has been pretty good lately... but still have to concentrate and listen to everything he says to keep from staying in the fog! I have been homeless since January...I mean all My stuff is still in My trailer... but It really is hard to live out of My Van like I Have been.  A so called friend said to me the other day... How come You van is so full of stuff? I actually raised my voice and said. I am living out of this van! What would You expect it to be like? She backed off...

Hopefully with $$$$ i can find someone to help me get the pipes running!  I can turn on the electricity now!  I can get MY OWN internet!  I am such a simple person... just the simple things for me! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh thank goodness. Your situation so far sounded like a perfect recipe for misery and heartbreak. I'm just SO relieved that you're now able to slowly change things. Finally, a PD-free zone is within reach! 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, and hope that you and your daughter will be able to negotiate something you both can live with.

Also, kudos to you for standing up for yourself to your so-called friend.