Dissociation or Something Else?

[4aCowgirl]

If you'd asked me last week if I dissociate or had "alters" I would have said "no way!"  But Saturday night a nightmare I remember quite vividly and regularly came back to me & I decided to try something I read about.  I won't go into details, but the nightmare involves watching myself as a child (highlight to read) being tortured to death in some sort of ritual with the entire extended family watching and participating. 

I asked myself what I thought of the kid and after each reaction, asked that "person" to step back.  After I was through, it's like I could see 9 of "us" in the room with that girl, each with extremely different reactions, different ways of interacting with the world, and carrying pain in different areas.  None of them knew the others existed.

I wrote the reactions down & recognized patterns throughout my life for things I've never been able to explain.  Like how I'd be going full bore toward a certain goal/direction and unexplainably do a 180 -- the very thing that was going to make my dreams come true is suddenly repulsize -- my thought processes surrounding this idea/goal/person change completely in an instant.  I talked to my mom about this and she confirmed that I do undergo drastic personality changes. 

It may explain why I have no idea what I like, what I dislike, what i want...   it changes all the time.  Funny thing, I created an account right before I discovered all this, made my first post, and was committed to getting better. 

After I found this out, I could feel myself switch & I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong, it's all in my head, & I just need to get over it. Lasted a few days but now I'm back.  For the most part.  I'm still not sure that it isn't all in my head. 

Does this sound like dissociation?  Or?

[Jdog]

Hi, Cowgirl-

This sounds like something that you may wish to discuss face to face with a professional.  We all have different coping strategies, and some may seem more extreme than others to us at various times. I would not try to put a specific label on something unless it is really going to assist you in making progress in your healing.  If you feel that getting an exact answer to this question is vital to you, and not having the answer is impeding your progress, then definitely seek outside professional help.

Otherwise, be as self accepting as you can - direct love and compassion toward each of the aspects of you that you describe - and let the healing continue.

Best wishes in your exploration and acceptance process.

J

[mourningdove]

4aCowgirl,

It could be dissociation. Whatever is going on, I think you're doing a really good job of documenting it all and reflecting on it. You might check out the Dissociation FAQ at ISSTD and see what may or may not resonate with your experience: https://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=76.

[Sienna]

I have no idea. Had you been reading about or thinking about DID before you had the dream?
Then if so..were you reading about it because you felt you related to it?
Good luck with this.