Letter to 'The Queen'

[Chartery]

Shirley,
Another tear filled episode has passed tonight and it has become clear to me that I need to write you.  The tears have been common for me over the last year and when I reflect back on my life I see how often I have cried all alone with no one to turn to with hopes of appeasing my pain.  It's the lifelong pain only someone that has never been loved can relate to.  As I continue to battle trough my CPTSD and try to recover to a point where I can function well enough in the world for the benefit of my children I am constantly plagued by the hurt of emotional  abuse and abandonment from the past.
I've become quite good now at tapping into my memory from my childhood and reflecting back on the way things were in the house/environment I grew up in and it's so clear to me why I bring up my kids the way I do - it's so very different from the way I was brought up and there is no way I would ever willfully cause emotional hurt/pain/distress on my children.  They are the world to me, way beyond anything else.  Some of these memories I will detail in this letter, and others I will just let go. 
So often I went to bed every night with Mike when we shared a bedroom and I would ask him, 'Do you hate me Mike?', thinking that there was a chance someone might show me some love in any one day, week or more.  How often I remember us wanting to run away from home and making plans to do so.  How often did I hide in the closet for hours when my other siblings weren't there cause it was the only safe refuge.  How often do I reflect back on that now and smile to think how I have reversed the whole thing for my kids.
Those are just a few examples from my childhood that I want to share at this point.  Here are a few more  that have stuck with me forever:
- Do you remember when I playfully scared you downstairs one day (perhaps I was 10ish) and you chased me around downstairs with the look of the devil on you face and I was truly scared for my life and managed to escape outside and only came back several hours later?
- Do you remember how often you spanked me?  Do you remember how often you spanked Mike and John?  Do you remember spanking us in your bedroom with a closed door but knowing everyone in the house could hear?  Do you remember how small and fragile we were?  Do you remember getting my Father to do it so you would be absolved of the blame?  Do you know that we all wanted him to do the spankings because he didn't hit us half as hard or as long as you did?  Do you think you can own the shame and guilt of this abuse on your own children?
- Do you remember giving everyone in the house 'chores'?  The chore I was assigned when I was 11/12 was to clean all the bathrooms weekly (scrubbing toilets, sinks and bath tubs).  I think Mike had vacuuming and not really sure what John and Maria had but it sure leaves a lot to wonder about what a stay at home Mother was doing.
-Do you remember when you arrived home from Nicaragua?  Uncle Frank and Aunt Betty were there on their way back from New Brunswick and when you arrived home from the airport Aunt Betty went out to the driveway to great you and when she went to hug you, you blew up her arms and completely rejected her.  I knew for sure at that point that we were different.  The lack of human compassion was wholly evident.
- Do you remember when my Father took you to Hilton Head Island for a week's vacation and while he was gone had arranged to have the kitchen redone as a surprise?  We were all thinking, what a great dad/husband - this might actually finally make her happy.  Do you remember your reaction?  I do - crystal clear - complete astonishment (which we hoped for) but not for what he had done, but because it wasn't to your standards.  I never looked at the Lent box on the dinner table the same again.  We ended up redoing the kitchen over at a cost of thousands of dollars extra so you can have control over it your way.  Meanwhile the Lent boxes and other charitable ideas remained ever present in the hypocrisy of your being. (Not unlike your last trip to Africa to help out the needy, but were so distraught about one of the legs of your trip being not in first class)
- Do you realise how many times Dad rolled his eyes at us after something you said or did at the dinner table or elsewhere?  Do you understand how important this was for us, even though it was a little too late for us?  Do you realise how much your behaviour has had a negative effect on your own children?
Here's a few more recent memories:
-  I went to you after I left Kim and told you what went down and you tried to shame me for smelling like alcohol.  No *, I just ended a marriage, it was an extremely hard time and the 20 yrs I put in for the sake of the kids and you had zero sympathy/empathy for me.
- I met you outside of the grocery store one day not too long after that and you asked me about my visit to the lawyers and I told you how tough it was going and you just brushed it off.  You were not there, didn't care and I was not perplexed.
- You gave Kim money (several times) after I had left, even though I had explained how awful she was to me.
- I told you about her cheating on me with my friends and other people and it did not resonate with you a bit.  17 people that I was concerned about and they are the only ones I know!  You had complete indifference.... Your misandry is reflected in your false feminism.
- The day after I told you outside of the screen porch at the cottage that the constant criticism you were giving the kids at the cottage was wrong you showed up the next morning at 11am and butted your way into the monopoly game I was having with my kids.  You didn't talk directly to me at all, all day.  Later I learned from brother John than you had lied in your rendition of our talk on the porch.  You lied to make yourself look in the right against your own kid!?
- When we went to Miller's for supper and I was excited to tell you that I figured out that Kim was a Narcissist, you spoke for the next 45 mins straight and never acknowledged what I had said.  I sat back and fully realized you didn't give a care for me at all.  When we parted after dinner that night you did the same thing you always do/did - get me to say 'I love you too'.  I said yup. 
- You thought it was a good idea to invite Kim to dinner at your place with Jessica and me.  This type of behaviour is inconceivable to me.  No matter what I am always going to be siding with my kids.
- There are many more things I could add here but hopefully you get the meaning of what I am writing.  The way you are not there for one of your kids is exactly why I am there for mine. 
There is a recent study available now called ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study).  It's a 17 year study that provides a lot of good insight into what affect people in an negative way as they get older.  There's also a plethora of other literature on such matters on the internet.  I only mention it because it's clear no matter what I say you will not accept.  This is unfortunate because what I say is right and has been researched and proven.  I know you will dismiss this and even try to work it against me.  Imagine that - your own child.  My Father would be disgusted and repulsed beyond what is thinkable.
Your shame is yours.  I will never own it again, I will never accept it through your blame and guilt strategies.  Your shame is yours. 
Chris

[Dutch Uncle]

Great letter. 

What a character your mom is...    (i'm trying to stay civil)
I think you did well going NC, and staying that way. Your letter speaks for how often you have confronted her about her nasty behavior, and all you got was denial and additional abuse. Likely you would have gotten the same if you had send her this.
  to you.

(one small thing: you may want to change the names for privacy reasons. This is if you hadn't already done so)

[Three Roses]

Great letter, but it breaks my heart that children have to grow up without loving guidance from their own mother.

To answer your question regarding getting in touch with the anger, I would tell you 2 things: you'll know when the time is right; and when it is, if you have difficulty, try picturing a small child going through what you did. I would also caution you to make sure you're really ready, and possibly have supportive loved ones in place to reach out to in case you're overwhelmed.

[Chartery]

Thanks very much for the feedback - much appreciated.