Erratic Responses From Friends

[movementforthebetter]

Does anyone else have a really hard time getting responses from others when it comes to texts, emails, invites, etc? Overall, I chalk this up to the "information age" making us worse communicators.

I try to not take it personally, but I since I've been making more effort to connect with old friends lately, I've started to see a pattern. I can only get responses from several of my friends if I message them in exactly the right way. Most of these friends live far away now, but even when they were closer I found I still had to approach them "their way". It was like baiting people into conversation. I do miss messages myself sometimes. I always apologize for my forgetfulness when I realize it.

For example, a best friend that is also one of my oldest friends took weeks to get back to me despite multiple texts (1 every few days). I see that this friend is on facebook a lot so I facebook message her for later attempts. She used to reply to me right away, but now she ignores or forgets to reply. She works a lot but doesn't do a lot else except spend time online, which I know because I stayed with her for a week and she did that most of the time. I have switched back and forth between messaging and texts to try to set up a phone call. All this time I am starting to believe she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Not so much as an "I'm busy, try me in a week." So I started panicking and thinking I had already given her all these chances so maybe our friendship isn't healthy anymore. But then the other day I message her a pop culture reference she's into and she replies right away. Later I ask how she's doing and no response again.

It feels like my friendship with lots of history takes more of my effort all the time. She knows I am in therapy and quite vulnerable right now. I still don't think I am asking to much for wanting the respect of a reply.

I have been called needy by exes in the past enough that I internalized it. Maybe I am needy? But I also think I am not out of line in thinking I deserve 10 seconds for a response. And I can easily think of 5 other friends that I have to approach with similar strategies. Start with the right topic to bait them into talking. It feels manipulative and shallow to me.

This turned into a rant. Is it that I molded myself around their boundaries in the past, and now that I am putting my needs first these friendships seem to be lacking for me? Or am I really expecting too much that people will "treat me as I like to be treated"? Combo of the two? I'm finding this to be a sticking point as I start sorting out my boundaries in relation to others.

Thanks for reading.

[Three Roses]

Sometimes when we are trying to get healthier, the people around us don't know what to think. Maybe your friends are used to being chased, pursued. Maybe they're just busy. Maybe they're hurting but know you're going thru your own tough times and they don't want to burden you with theirs.

You mentioned that you've trying to reconnect with these "old friends" - why did the friendships falter in the first place?

I wouldn't put much more effort into one-way friendships; I'd save my energy for myself and healthy friends. What good is a friend if they only make you feel worse?

I've heard it said, "We teach others how to treat us." You're worth the time for a response, and you're worth genuine interest from a friend.

[Danaus plexippus]

also when we change, old friends may feel they don't know us any more. Perhaps we no longer fulfill whatever purpose we used to serve for them. I wish I had the time and opportunitie to catch up with my old friends. People move on. When my apartment was destroyed by fire I found out who my real friends are.

[movementforthebetter]

Sometimes when we are trying to get healthier, the people around us don't know what to think....

You mentioned that you've trying to reconnect with these "old friends" - why did the friendships falter in the first place?

I've heard it said, "We teach others how to treat us."

Thanks, Three Roses, a lot of what you wrote rings true.

While I am getting healthier, I have a feeling that it looks to others like I am coming undone, since that's how it feels sometimes.

This particular friendship was extremely close until I got into my current relationship and moved away. The move came not too long after this friend went through a series of crises. It wasn't why I moved but I did feel some relief from supporting this friend so heavily through this time in her life which spilled into mine and others' lives. For a while I put in a huge amount of effort to let her know how special she was to me, that I would always love her, and how I had faith in her to endure the things she had to. But I was becoming unhappy in my new life, and our calls always became emotional on both sides. Over time we drifted apart. Maybe it was too much for both of us. I couldn't face my truths and I couldn't help her either.

I always believed that true friends will stay friends no matter the time or distance. And she believes the same. So this has never been a problem before, just now that I am more raw and sensitive.

Other friendships drifted apart as I lost myself in my relationship and life got busy. Maybe it's the same on their end, too, since communication is a two-way street. Generally when I reach out people express enthusiasm over reconnecting. But actions seem to indicate otherwise. I've been gone 10 years so I don't feel I can expect much. I feel a lot of guilt over neglecting my friendships. I partially think this is the result I deserve. I showed them that neglect was no big deal.


Danaus, thanks for your reply as well.
I am so sorry you went through a fire. That must have been so difficult.

This particular friend is still the first person I turn to in need, to this day. She understands me best, knows me so well, and shows me my blindspots. I have found that to be rare. I could give that kind of support to my friends, but I never support myself in the same way. And I think it's the same for her. It's hardest to see ourselves objectively, so that was a gift we gave each other.

I am happy I reached out and I will be happier if any of my friendships can be restarted and regrown. But if not, at least I tried.

[movementforthebetter]

Today in another thread (outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4315.0)
I learned about object constancy. I think this might be an actually life-changing piece of knowledge. The idea that my very ability to trust and trust in love and affection had never been able to develop properly because of the chaos at home makes so much sense. And now I understand the actual root problem of my "neediness". As suggested the thread, there are a few ways I can address it. I can find people I can reach out to who won't judge but will reliably respond. That sounds pretty hard given how busy everyone's life is. I can keep mementos or photos to remind me of closeness. I can ask people to write a short note or a card about me that I can refer to. The mementos or photos sound the most realistic of those options. I will see if I can find any others, too.

Knowing about this now might allow me to view future situations more objectively. At least then I can act based on my boundaries rather than just my emotional response. I have always been reacting from fear of abandonment in past relationships.

Another interesting thing that happened today was that I observed panic within myself for the first time without succumbing to it.

I am actually going to be talking to the friend in question tomorrow. Looking forward to talking this over with her with my fresh perspective.

I am hopeful I can figure out my boundaries now for communicating and responding, and have confidence in enforcing them.