ElizabethGenevieve's Journal

[ElizabethGenevieve]

I'm done.

I don't feel like I have anything in me anymore... like the last 20 years have slowly sucked the life right out of me.

Don't get me wrong - I can still smile, and I can still enjoy certain things and be thankful for the blessings in my life. It's just that the pain has gotten so bad that it's there at the same time and makes it that much harder to smile when I really just wanna break down and cry.  Or worse yet are days like today when I'm totally numb to the point where I can barely get through work and even my driving is a lot worse. There were several times today that I should have gotten in an accident just because my stupid brain kept shutting down.

But anyways I guess I'm just done trying to be stronger than I am. I'm weak and shaky and tired... so tired. And I don't want to hide it anymore. I long for healthy, supportive relationships, but it's not like there are very many people I can open up to. Most of the people in my life are so close to my parents and hold them in such high regard that I feel like a traitor if I admit how bad things are in my family. I look forward to making new friends and relationships after I move out, but then I don't want to be a needy friend either.

And I don't know if this is normal or not, but as much as I desperately need to leave home, part of me is terrified of the idea. Not because being on my own scares me (I know it won't be easy but I'll be okay, and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm already on my own). It's more the actual act of walking out the door that freaks me out. My family is really hesitant about me leaving and I'm going to feel so guilty for leaving my mom to be abused by my dad and my siblings, and I feel horrible for wanting to create a better life for myself when my mom is still stuck in it. I guess that's my version of survivor's guilt in a way.

And that's another thing - I haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD but I feel guilty for having any of the symptoms at all because it's not like I've been through war or anything. I mean yeah my family feels like a war zone and has been that way forever but it's not like physical abuse or combat.

I feel like I should be fine, but I'm not. I'm not suicidal but I'm definitely not okay.
And then at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be fine because how selfish is it to get myself to safety and leave my mom behind. 

So yeah. I'm exhausted and done pretending I'm stronger than I am.

[sanmagic7]

what a great step you took in being able to admit that you're not as strong as you've put on you were.  i remember many times, am going thru one right now.  it is soooo very tiring, and it feels good to just be human for a change.  your are truly courageous.

as far as your mother, honestly, she is not your responsibility.  we all have to be the ones to extricate ourselves from our own personal hades no matter what is going on around us.  we run for our lives in order to survive.  that is the only way that we can ever be any good for or to anyone else.

when i ran, i left my daughter who was only 17 at the time.  i stayed in town for 3 yrs., then ran here to mexico.  she and i have been able to reconcile and our bond, friendship, and relationship is stronger than ever, and i'm now in a position to help her.  at the time, if i would've stayed, i'd be dead, and then there would've been nothing i could do for her in any way, shape, or form.  i hate to think what might've happened to her.

so, yes, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, i believe it's imperative to be self-ish, as in self-caring above all else.  there may come a time when you'll be able to help your mom, but not till you're safe and stable for yourself.  i wish you the best with this - it's a tough one.  one of the toughest.  we do need to allow the adults in our lives live their lives as they see best, even if only for a little while.  you'll get to where you need to be, of that i have no doubt.   

by the by, i've never been officially diagnosed with c-ptsd.  many of us here haven't.  but we know.

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Thanks so much sanmagic7, I really appreciate your support <3

[ElizabethGenevieve]

I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd be brave enough to  move out of my toxic family. But now it's official - I'm moving on July 8th. And I feel awful about it. I know it's not my job to protect her but I hate leaving my mom to be abused. My sister is a narcissist (pretty sure also a sociopath) and a drama queen and I'm afraid she'll try to manipulate me into feeling horrible by saying how much she misses me and being all sad and mopey. And my F is another story entirely that I don't feel like talking about right now. All in all the "goodbye scene" isn't likely to be pretty, and I'm pretty sure I'll have an epic breakdown once I'm alone. I'm excited to have my own space and be away from all the fighting, but I'm also struggling way more with the guilt and fear than I thought I would. It seems like every time I get excited and happy and am having a good day, something awful happens.

I've also not been sleeping well at all. I've had nightmares at least several times a week for almost 2 years now, but the last few weeks have been particularly intense. Somehow bad dreams are exhausting and that just makes stress 10 times harder to handle. I hope they go away once I move.

I have a good friend I'm going to see tomorrow, I'll probably vent to her some, that always helps. But I also don't want to burden her too much because she's pregnant and I don't want to stress her out or expect her to help as well as she normally would.

Anyways I know I'll live but I'm just really not doing well at the moment. 

[sanmagic7]

standing right beside you, EG.  you're not in this alone.  i'm in the process of moving out of a 15-yr. marriage, and the thoughts, feeling,s and emotions are swirling around like crazy.

i really am looking forward to having my own place, my own space, just to be with me for awhile, let my energy flow its own way,   the emotional parts will be there, but i'm determined to get to a place that is non-abusive above all.  i have faith that the rest will fall in place.  i have that faith for you as well.

one step at a time.  congrats to you for taking the step.  you'll find more of your own energy, i'm sure, once you're away from the neg. of others.  it will work out.  keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  big hug.

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Thank you sanmagic7