New and need input! Maybe TW!

[doodle22]

Hello, I grew up in an alcoholic home (mother)..married/divorced from an alcoholic man, no contact, moved far away from all family, but then was sexually assaulted ( not rape) at my job (20 years ago). The guy was a predator, mostly women employees, no one would report him,  I stuffed the incident, then got really angry, and reported the guy to my boss, some other women came forward too..they got rid of him. Then two years later I was sexually assaulted/attacked (not rape) by my landlord in my apt...that just about did me in the emotional toll, moved after only 2 months.nice town too.  I have been in some good therapy,diagnosed PTSD,  but I learned to stuff my emotions so deep very early in life. I am over 55 now, on SSDI, and thought I had dealt with my past "stuff". Then during an official inspection, a year ago, at my apt complex, when the inspection guy walked into another room, the new maint. man walked to where I was sitting, made a sexually creepy, bizzare, sexually harrassment move, put his hands on me...I just froze, his face was so close to mine...it creeped me out so bad/his eyes...ugghh, I start shaking just writing this. No witness, off course, it happened so fast, they left...two days later I reported it to the manager, this guy was a pervert/con artist.. my gut red flags took off. Turns out this guy was a convicted felon, never,ever should have been hired..lots of complaints, ended up the guy was fired, but I was triggered so bad, studio apt, it is as if All the past trauma from childhood, job trauma, landlord trauma, it is all in the room I live in now. The bad manager who hired the apt MM Knew he was a felon and Lied, but the board let her keep her job!! Then a few months ago a guy was found sleeping in the hallway, my building, right below my apt, I reported it, bad manager, but it went on for 10 days, I had to call a social worker..again triggered..I went numb again, and now I have been scapegoated...even the good mngr/some tenants too, even tho I have lived here over 10 years with no problems/I am the problem now!!!.. I made a report to a large law firm, and another agency. Oh and my mother died last year..more stuffed memories....but my ability to live here, in this apt is so compromised, flashbacks, severe depression, almost agoraphobic. my question, if you lived in a room/apt where you were traumatized, re-triggered from early life and beyond, could you continue to live in that apt? I have tried, coping skills, etc,etc, but I feel like I now live in a prison, either in fight/flight/panic attacks...having to take meds to cope. I want to move, I don't know where, my self worth is very low, I just want to live in peace/safety..and this is supposed to be a good town. Sorry this is so long...I needed to vent...kind of lost myself....

[Three Roses]

 

I'm sorry to hear about all you've been thru.

"...if you lived in a room/apt where you were traumatized, re-triggered from early life and beyond, could you continue to live in that apt?"

I think that's probably up to the individual and the level of discomfort you are in. I had to live in a place where I was repeatedly verbally abused and triggered; I coped with lots of loud music when home alone and furious cleaning! Candles and soft new age music helped at other times. There's always prayer/meditation, smudging, etc., to help "cleanse" your surroundings. Or, you could move.

[Wife#2]

Cheesedoodle - your post nearly brought me to tears! I'm so sorry you've had to deal with so much, so often!



I understand why it can be difficult. My husband and I (both with undiagnosed c-PTSD) call them emotional ghosts, those feelings, memories, whatever that well up out of nowhere. When you live in the same space that something triggering happened, you can try to reclaim the space from those ghosts.

If it would help, change the room around, buy a nice, cheap cover for the furniture in there, get permission to paint the walls a different color - if your complex requires permission. Maybe ask to just be moved to a different apartment in the same complex, with a different view.

As to the people who are being nasty because you made a stink, well, they don't live in your world and you can't explain it to them because of that. Don't let their failure to understand prevent you from standing up for yourself. And I think you did a GREAT job standing up for yourself in both situations!

I've made peace with two emotional 'ghosts' in my house. Paint, renovations, having all the stuff of my married family in the house has helped. I still can get triggered, but it's rare and a low-level thing, now. Therapy also helped a lot. A lot, a lot. I can't recommend that enough, really!

Please be kind to yourself. What you're going through makes sense to me. You're a good person when you take steps to make sure you feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

I just had a thought that made me laugh, I hope it'll help you at least smile also: Be the squeaky wheel, the one who calls whenever there's an issue. They may roll their eyes and dread your calls, but, they will also know that at least someone is paying attention and willing to do something about it. Notice the back door not closing as tight as it should? Report it! Lights dim or out? Report it. It's ok to be that person. Every complex needs that person, even if they talk as if they don't want it. Lights don't report to management they just blew out and they don't magically replace themselves.

Oh, and this - if they are upset with you about making a stink about the homeless person who began squatting in the building, well, they weren't exactly inviting him in to THEIR places for dinner, were they? So, their high horses aren't so high, are they? If they cared about the fellow, maybe one of them should have taken him to a shelter or a hospital where he could be tended, instead of leaving him there and getting mad when you did something about it. Just my $0.02 - not even worth a piece of bubblegum, I know.

[Danaus plexippus]

I sometimes ask myself "why don't I move?" When I lived on the first floor I came home from work one day to find a burglar ransacking the place and helping himself to my valuables. He got away before the police came. The place has been on fire twice. The last fire destroyed my apartment and most of my stuff. When my landlord found me living in my car with 2 cats, he offered me an apartment in a section of the building that was not affected by the fire. Other triggering things happened there too. I won't go into graphic details. Sometimes I say "What guarantee do I have that the next place won't be even worse?" I was only 3 years old the first time I wanted to run away from home. I'm more fatalistic now. I'm not so much standing my ground as giving up all hope of a better outcome. That's just me, you do what's right for you.

[doodle22]

Thank you all. I live in a very high rent part of the country, but I still look online and try to weigh the pros and cons. I am able to self-numb myself, something I did as a child, didn't even know I could still do it until I saw burn marks on the top of my arms..taking food out of the hot oven I must have touched my arms on the coils, but did not feel anything..until one got infected..then I felt it!! I have changed a few things, but I seriously also thought of being moved to a different apt. The hallway guy...yah, I wanted to say to the mngr..."why don't you take him home and let him sleep, come and go in your home!!" He was not supposed to be in the building, locks were changed on the apt door to keep him out, but he still had a key to the building, sleeping feet away from other tenants doors...you just can't make this stuff up!! I don't want someone to be homeless, and by my calling a social worker, they looked into the matter and found the guy housing, I can live with myself that I did the right thing. Unfortunately I too have a fatalistic view, that somewhere else could be worse, an advocate who helped me said "Better the devil you know , than the one you don't"  The memory "Ghosts" I can sure relate too, and I have been running from them for so long, they keep tagging along inside me until I deal with them. I have a cat who I think has cPTSD,she is so intuitive of my moods, we help each other.  I had to re-learn computer skills, my eyes/brain get exhausted, so I did not address each of you, sorry, I am also sorry for what you have all gone through, but your validation of my feelings means alot, I don't feel so alone in this journey♡