*trigger* abuse?

[Sandstone]

I will reply properly tomorrow as im just about to go to sleep but i just wanted to say thank you for the connection, it really means a lot. Your words made me cry (in a good way) 

[Three Roses]

Sandstone, you'll get no judgments from me, either - I've done more than my fair share of drugs. I've found that life with a clear head makes things so much easier!

I think my biggest addiction, tho, has been approval, "The disease to please."

I want to learn how to just be me, to use my own voice, and not hide or apologize anymore.

[Sandstone]

Hi sanmagic7 and thank you for putting me a bit more at ease 
As for the SA im in limbo with it to be honest. If i choose to believe it then i will have to cut the person out of my life and that would probably kill him. He relies on me a lot. I genuinely dont know how i feel about it all at the moment.
Like you say,  when the time is right if its meant to itll happen.

Iv never ever thought of myself going to a 12step program,  ironic really as im always trying to sort others out lol. But i will read up on it some more.
It would be a very new world for me to find other non users too as like you said, you surround with other users too. That's the way my life has always been.

Im in awe that you have become clean even down to cigarettes,  thats bloody brilliant!  You must feel very proud of yourself 
I can only imagine what ot feels like,  i usually say being clean will be my next buzz lol. I bet being clear headed and knowing your thoughts and decisions are more clear makes a difference.

It must be strange to see things in a different light and im sorry you lost friends but i can imagine it was for your higher good. Seems we all make parenting mistakes too, tho much respect to you for finding the strength to change things.
Its reassuring to know that there is still a good life to be had beyond drink/drugs and an enjoyable one at that. It must be like a whole clean page to start again?

I like that you said your self esteem and self worth got better, thats something to look forward to.
Thank you for sharing some of your story with me and walking me through new territory with encouragement  xx

[Sandstone]

Aaw Three Roses  thank you, you have always been kind to me.

I know it sounds bad bit im glad im not the only one who has used drugs etc i was scared to post it in case anyone thought badly of me.

Well done to you too for getting clean, thats some good inner strength there    and again its encouraging to hear how well you feel from it.

As for the disease to please yup i know that one too well too.
My therapist said we aquire a false self and the aim is to find our authentic self.  I suppose the more layers we peel off the more of the real us we will find. I have no idea who i am sad but true.
Im terrible for apologising too. Its unbelievable the effects of trauma has on folk isnt it?  Have you looked into any self assertive groups? Thats what im going on next to learn to express my needs better. Maybe that could help find your voice too? im sorry i dont have much useful advice at the moment and there i go apologising again haha oops 

[Three Roses]

"I'm m sorry i dont have much useful advice at the moment and there i go apologising again haha oops  "

This made me chuckle!

[sanmagic7]

ya know, sandstone, i've never really thought about being proud of myself for getting clean.   i've quit and started up again several times (cigarettes i've probably quit at least 1000 times over a period of 50 yrs., but i've only stopped once, and that was this last time.  quitting is easy.  staying stopped is the challenge).  after using for 20 yrs., i quit everything on the same day (i was very sick, bronchitis, could feel the spot on my lung when i took a drag, too sick to use other substances) and was sober 15 yrs.  happily, those yrs. were during the time i was raising my daughters, so at least i have that to be glad about.  but, when things went south w/ my marriage, my relationship w/ my daughter, i moved out of my house, started living on my own, was going out w/ someone not too good for me, and i began the whole cycle again.  15 yrs. of sobriety down the drain!

i used for about 5 more years, then met my current husband, who was in recovery, and he gave me the impetus to quit using again.  so, i'm sober again for 15 more years.  the cigs were the hardest, tho.  i'd quit, not smoke for a year or two, then something would happen, and they were my go-to for stress.  my lungs are finally too vulnerable, started getting sick over and over, and that's why i stopped.  finally.

so, i don't see it as a pride thing, but that i finally got mentally and emotionally healthy enough to put my physical health first, and get rid of what was threatening it.   it has been one of my worst struggles over the years.

as far as facing a clean page by being w/o substances, i suppose it can seem like that when looking at it from the outside.  again, i don't remember ever thinking that.  it's always been one foot in front of the other for me.  i'm doing this step now, and then i do another step, and i just keep looking ahead to a goal of health, well-being, and calm.  that's what i ultimately want to accomplish, what i want to regain, or even gain for the first time (i don't know that i've ever really felt calm, relaxed).  that's what i want, and i'm at a point where i can stay focused on that most of the time.  which is ok with me, cuz it's more of the time than i used to be able to stay focused on it.

so, thanks for the good thoughts, sandstone.  may i just say that, although this journey can be a struggle at times, it is do-able.  the support i've gotten from this forum has really helped me begin to feel somewhat normal again after an extremely rough patch over nearly 6 mos.  it's helped me get back on track when i was stumbling and fumbling, slipping and sliding.  today i can say i feel stronger, more focused, and more sure of myself because of all the support i've gotten from everywhere in my life to make it thru to the other side when i felt like i was drowning in confusion, pain (physical and emotional), and weakness. 

and that's what i wish for you.  keep going and i don't doubt you'll get to a place where you can look back and see a different kind of life that you had been living, and know that you don't want to go back to it.  we're all behind you here.