talking about my mom and her role **triggers**

[Dee]

For the past year of therapy I have worked on boundaries, relationships, assertiveness, cognitive distortions and probably a few other things that I am not thinking of right now.  I think therapy has just changed to talking a little more about my past.

In my last session we touched on my mother.  We are going to continue the discussion this week.  It's true I have nothing but contempt for my mother.  Mad that she was so helpless and still is.  She asked me if I feel guilty about my mom.  I told her the only guilt I feel is from when my dad went to prison and how her livelyhood changed.  I felt so guilty that I sent my mom almost all the money I made until the time I got married.  I don't feel any guilt about the person she was before.  I have contempt for the victim role she played.  She was sick all the time, she suffered from severe Chrons disease.  However, she resisted any treatment. Also, she didn't leave the house often.  Sometimes she didn't leave her bedroom.  My dad took care of my physical needs and my sister my emotional needs.  My mom was so busy being the victim it was like she wasn't there.  I almost burned down our apartment when I was 4 trying to cook dinner because my mom wouldn't get out of bed for days.

I was asked if I am angry at my mom for not protecting me.   The truth is I am not.  I don't feel that she was ever capable of protecting me.  I am angry at her role in the family, I am angry she wasn't a mother, but I am not angry at protection.  I wondered why and then I realized, she wasn't my mother, my sister was.  I am angry at my sister.  It seems so unfair.  She did protect me for a long time, but she got pregnant at 15 and left.  She knew what was starting to happen and had to know where it would go.  Her first marriage was abusive, but she married a decent guy by the time she was 18, I was 12.  She was an adult, removed from the situation, married to a good guy, and did nothing.  We never talked about it, she has never admitted anything.  When it came out she didn't talk to me for a year.  I suppose it is all denial.  Feels wrong that I should be angry at her and not my mom.  My sister raised me until I was 9, I should be grateful.  She had an unfair burden of a little sister. 

I suppose I'm venting, running through it in my head.

[sanmagic7]

dee, your anger is valid.  your sister was put in an impossible situation of caring for you, and you relied on her.  no matter how convoluted it all may be, she was given your mother's (and father's) responsibility.  the child in you only knows that she should have protected you.  and she didn't. 

i think when we begin getting into this difficult area, whatever comes up first is what must be dealt with first.  it is true, it is real, and no excuses need be made for anyone else at this time.  your feelings are coming from the first place that you know of, and those are the ones to resolve at the moment.  the rest of it will come in its time. 

we are not linear beings, so our emotions are not necessarily going to follow a logical/linear path.  you're going after some deep, difficult stuff, dee.  go with its flow - it will take you where you need to go.  my heart is with  you.