grieving today

[resurgent]

Hello all-

I'm feeling quite hopeless at the moment. I have one wonderful friend in the world . He's on his way over right now to help me feel better, and I'm oh so grateful to have such a person in this cold and lonely world. I'd  had the same boyfriend for five years prior to a little over a year ago when he left me in a very hurtful and cruel way and took up with someone else across the country, where he moved to. I've been steadily getting over that trauma, but then a couple of days ago when I was going over dvd's I'd recorded (mostly of my son), I came across a little segment on one of them. It was my ex-boyfriend. I was pointing out how to use the camcorder. Then his voice says, "YOU're the genius...", to which I responded lightheartedly, "I never said that." Then he said, "Neither did anyone else. There's a reason. You're not very bright." I laughed it off at the time--he often "joked" like this, but hearing his voice saying this after all this time has really knocked me for a loop (probably thrown me into flashback mode). I tried to heal from the pain of that cruel discard and rejection by starting another relationship with a man, but after eight months of never being told anything remotely affectionate, even something as benign as "I'm happy to see you!", I finally asked him if he could see us being together for a while into the future, and the response was not what I had hoped. It left me feeling, exposed, ashamed and unwanted. So I broke it off with him. But I'm feeling so intensely lonely with the multiple rejections---really having a hard time dealing with it. :falling bricks: I admire/envy those who seem to be fine on their own---my experience being alone is not so pleasant. It terrifies me, in fact.

Thanks for listening/

[Three Roses]

   

I'm so glad you have someone to come help you! Those feelings are so hard to take, harder still (for me at least) when I'm alone.

[resurgent]

Thanks so much, Three Roses, for the kinds words of support. 
Yeah, I don't know how I'd make it without this friend, who did come over and made me feel cared for. I've read so often and in so many places of the importance of doing this for yourself--being your own best friend, your own kind and caring parent that you never had. But I haven't got the hang of it.  I suppose it's a worthy goal to shoot for. I never seem to feel soothed by it when it's coming from myself...

[sanmagic7]

thank everything wonderful that you have this friend. 

i don't think it's an easy task to be able to self-soothe, especially if we didn't get much (if any) soothing from anyone else when we were little.  it's difficult to feel from ourselves if we haven't first felt it from someone else.   i've never gotten the hang of inner peace or serenity, and i connect that to not being able to self-soothe, to not being able to feel the warmth and caring that i want to feel. 

but, i do believe that a modicum of self-soothing is attainable, that, little by little, as we continue on a journey of self-care, learning, understanding, and exploration as to what makes us tick, what's gotten in the way, and what ultimately works for us, we will keep getting closer to that goal.  i'm better at it then i was at times.  at times.  not all the time.  but, more than i used to be.  and, that's progress, at least. 

still, i rely on others, including those in this forum, to help me calm down, feel better about where i'm going, and what i'm doing most of the time.  at least now i have a focal point, c-ptsd, that helps me keep going in the right direction.  before, i was willy-nilly all over the place, and that didn't help at all.  so, i see self-soothing as a continuing goal in my life.  keep taking care of yourself, however that works for you.  i think that's the most important thing.  my own opinion, of course.

[resurgent]

Thank you so much, sanmagic7   It's encouraging to hear of others with the same issues, such as yourself. Also inspiring to hear of your determination to keep plugging away and getting more adept at these thing some of us missed out on, little by little..