Me again :)

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi it's me again, now I am on holiday with another friend and had a difficult day yesturday ...
( but a lovely day at the same time)
My friend is a cptsd survivor aswell
It was clear we were going to have a quiet day in our holiday barn in Wales and that was good and ok by me
Somewhere along the line I got triggered ...
'She doesn't like me ' 'she likes her other friends better' 'I'm boring' 'I talk too much' 'I don't say interesting enough things' 'she's angry ... Is it me ?
I then somehow flashed back to my m and how I used to feel around her and I could see I was triggered and could start to work with it ( thank u to pete walker )
I spoke to someone in recovery via phone and that helped
I realised that this self seeking in another and self pre occupation were dragging me down
It's as if I am looking for approval from others to let me know that I am ok, and when they don't I feel empty
Self assurance is something I am working on right now
As the triggering went on I could see I was getting more freeze like and fearful until the anxiety was at a level that was less than comfortable
Today is a new day
I wake up and the sun is rising
Today I know that yesturday insight and work has payed off - looking after the 'little lovely ' inside
Today I can be free and happy and not listen to the inner/ outer critic - I can be me free to be me
Relating to me is exactly where I am supposed to be
And the friend ship well I don't find friendships easy these days but then I remember there are many good time too

[woodsgnome]

Boatsetsailrose wrote: "...I realised that this self seeking in another and self pre occupation were dragging me down
It's as if I am looking for approval from others to let me know that I am ok, and when they don't I feel empty."

Sounds like you were able to drop the mind games and fell into the realization...that somehow the distance between was no longer so vast, especially when your inner comparison chart dropped away. Pretty hard to plan for this, given our self-protective patterns. Still you found out you both have complementary qualities and you can turn down the self-pressure in the process, leaving both on equal footing in the process.

Thanks for this reminder of a key--perhaps the key realization, at least in interpersonal matters. But if we didn't slip up occasionally would we even realize it? That can be taken in a frustrating manner or with an attitude that allows for accepting our real needs on their own merits vs. the what's wrong with me parts of the seeking game.

The trouble is, we're good at forgetting this mutuality. Here's a twist I read from Douglas Harding's book "On Having No Head". He observed that you never (except in a mirror) see what you call yourself, that all you can see is the world around you, including the other people in it. And what can that tell us about our self-obsession? We can't even see ourselves--it's always 'other' in that sense. Shhh--don't tell the outer/inner critic!

Harding describes the in-sight this way: "Reason and imagination and all mental chatter died down... I forgot my name, my humanness, my thingness, all that could be called me or mine. Past and future dropped away... Lighter than air, clearer than glass, altogether released from myself, I was nowhere around."

Distractions from ourselves are all around, and we 'miss the forest for the tree', in this case our solo selves. We know the rationale very well--we emerged from abusive pasts or find ourselves in current situations that are frightful (Harding's background was similar in many respects). I find myself walking around as if encased in a bubble, forgetting that bubbles can burst open, too; a scary prospect, or I can accept that it's safe now.

May you have good times ahead, Boatsetsailrose, on the peaceful side of holiday adventures.