Feel like giving up..and T.

[Sienna]

Three Roses, this is for you.
I am reading back through this thread (trying to figure some stuff out), and i realised that i didnt respond to what you said. I was foggy headed, and I'm sorry.
I don't know if your questions were thoughts, written down, which is ok, or if you wanted some answers to them.

"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."

You said:
I totally relate to this statement!
Why don't I want what's good and healthy for myself?
It's a mystery to me.
Maybe because I've had to believe the lies people told me. So maybe now it's time for us to start uncovering the truth and seeing that we are "good enough" people, just like everyone else.

Self sabotage. How can i put it into words?
A belief- fear is installed in us, that we should not succeed.
Narc mother...parents abuse...
the mothers jealousy apparently, we sense it...we cant disapoit her by succeeding, yet we can be in a double bind-
pressure to succeed- and on the other hand- cant do too well otherwise she / he will ruin it for us.
Spartanlifecoach does a video on - Internal blocks to success
i think thats what its called
if you are interested in the answers to these questions...and your looking for them at the moment...
ah, here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZdbj1HCXAo

Theres lots of things online about narcissistic mothers (i only googled that)...and childrens blocks to success and why we self sabotage, though i didnt save any links.

[Danaus plexippus]

I've been meaning to start listening to the Spartan Life Coach for some time. Now I know why he is so highly recommended. Thanks for the link.

[Sienna]

Thats ok Danaus! I would be interested to see what you think of him. 

[Danaus plexippus]

I find Richard Grannon entertaining and informative. I listen to him often. I started reading a bit on his site. I was just about to reply to his "Marriage is unfair to men" video when I had to leave for work. Good advice, if you view it from both perspectives. I may need to pay for his course on assertiveness  before I interrogate a prospective spouse as he suggests. It all seems so practical and business like the way he puts it. I married for love. We stayed together till death did us part. Ten years later I'm still in love with my dearly departed husband.