spun out, promises to myself need to be made

[theaquarist]

(TW!)

I have stopped my nightly habit of smoking cannabis for about 3 weeks now. It was hard to start, but I my willpower finally kicked in. I haven't been strong enough to take a break from it for about 2.5 years now. My GF and I have had a tough relationship since Jan/Feb this year, she smokes quite a lot, and it might end within the next week.
I know now that it has been really good for me to give up smoking cannabis. I use an app called  "Habitica" for keeping track of habits and it helps me see my streak of days I've made.
Of course, taking off the bandage revealed a lot of dark thoughts. Last week and earlier this week I was waking up and falling asleep wishing I weren't here. I have been using crisis chats, opened up to one of my friends, been 100% honest with my T. Although my FOO is messed up and stressed out, I came to their house to visit and get away from my loneliness, take a few days off from it and working.
My heart doesn't have a lot to say lately. I feel a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to push through it with exercise and reaching out to old friends, but god it is hard. It feels so scary and I worry about all the missed opportunities I've had for partnerships that couldv'e worked out if I hadn't always given them up. I want to open up to more of my friends so that I can get support, but I'm very afraid to. I've been having this struggle on and off for 9 years and I've been guessing that they won't take me seriously anymore or think it's just normal. Just wanted to share. This is tough.

[Three Roses]

 

It's overwhelming at times. As you said, you ripped off the bandaid and it's painful to feel that again.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hug to you again.

[theaquarist]

Thank you for being there for me time and again Three Roses.

After I posted this, I stumbled on this video of a traumatized panther who receives understanding for the first time in his life through a special person who can communicte with him. It helped me feel better and I thought I would pass it forward

http://www.viralvo.com/how-she-transforms-a-deadly-leopard-into-a-relaxed-cat-is-beyond-my-understanding/

I found it through someone else' post about an angry cockatoo. Thank you to the user who shared it

[sanmagic7]

i give you a lot of credit for quitting using and facing your true self.  i am recovering from subs abuse for about 15 yrs., and the clarity can be painful, but it also shines on the positive parts, which are very important to see as well.  i don't doubt you have plenty of those that have been hidden behind your smokescreen.   keep up the good work.  in my mind, it's worth it.

[theaquarist]

I've officially made it more than 3 weeks so this weekend will be a month

!!! I'm really excited.

Things in life are tougher but really not as hard as I thought it would be when I was smoking and considering quitting. My smoking brain thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I didn't have cannabis to smoke every night. Guess what, it's working.

My meds have gone up but it's a small price to pay in return for freedom from a dependency.

Many hugs all around

[Joeybird]

Congratulations! You need to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for dong a really hard thing. You will have the clarity that you need to deal with so many things. It may be painful, but it's worth it.

[Sandstone]

Really well done to you. It is scary giving up habits but you are doing great. All the best.

[theaquarist]

sanmagic: I think you deserve a Congratulations for your achievement too. 15 years is remarkable. I really admire you for that

Joeybird: Thank you It really feels worth it too, it's been more than a few years since I took a break

Sandstone: Thank you for the thoughts. I hope you're doing well too. Hugs