Am I Anti-social?

[Yellow]

Everyone who sees the "me" that I broadcast would say that I'm very friendly and social, always with a smile and easy to laugh. But I find myself wanting to be alone and not having to broadcast that "me". At work, it's the easiest. I have a purpose and I know that the time is limited, so I can go the distance that is needed. When I'm asked to go out socially, sometimes it's ok, but often it requires too much of me and I make an excuse not to go out. I sit home alone and read, hoping that no one will call or drop by. Honestly, if someone does drop by, I don't answer the door. And I don't answer the phone; texting an evasive answer is easiest. Is it ok that I WANT to be alone? Reading takes me away from all those flashbacks and I can temporarily be in another place. Friends say I need to "get out more" but it takes too much energy and I'm constantly on guard that something will trigger me to feel sad and cry. My radar these days is rather large for those triggers. Anyway, I stay by myself a lot when I'm not at work.

[woodsgnome]

Yellow, you wondered "Is it ok that I WANT to be alone?" It's always ok. You have your reasons, and seem well aware of the boundaries you need, and that speaks above the "should", suggestive/judgemental voices of peers and the society at large which measures everyone's actions by consensus, and it's been 'decided' that being alone is considered anti-social. Except that rule is arbitrary and disregards all the variables. Kudos to you for realizing it is a need for you, at this point at least. That may change, but first be honest with yourself.

Choosing to be alone seems strange to many. So be it. You have described your social side, and that may even be so good as to confuse some. I had that as well--indeed it was my actual job (entertainer, teacher) to relate well with people, and some couldn't fathom that I had to radically chill out of the people-pleasing games. But, like you, the need to be alone and sometimes risk appearing standoffish and aloof; well, the only times I truly regretted it were the times I dishonoured my own needs--not selfishly, but out of emotional necessity. I feel I tried to keep a fair handle on whether I was indeed being what others call 'anti-social' or just being 'me'.

For example, once I went along with some who insisted I go with them to the biggest daily socially approved event--a local tavern's 'happy hour'. Oh, boy; but I shed my guard I guess and tagged along. Suffice to say it was anything but 'happy' except for the establishment, but I'd realized my boundaries enough to not cave in to anymore 'ah, come on' lead-ins to hit the next 'happy hour'. Dunno, but the folks who wanted me to tag along seemed to realize that I was okay with where I was, and despite a couple raised eyebrows that was fine for them, too.

It can be a delicate balance but if I recognize and hold to my greater needs for pure solitude, with books and music and nature as my chosen companions I feel like I can make it through my apparent aloofness away from the expectation games of others--some may understand, but don't hold your breath. I hope you can see that and reach a comfort level with it as well.

Thanks for posting about it.

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you! We're glad you're here.

I can't talk about wanting to be alone - that's all I want to do!