Rant: Another fun mom conversation

[Sandals]

So my mom got into another "get ahold of Sandals" frenzy yesterday. 6 calls in 1 day, followed by texts/message from one of my brothers and my sister. I had last talked to her on 11/3, so a few weeks ago, but not that long.

I have not yet decided if I should go NC with her (mostly hesitant because of the kids), so am trying to be LC. But yesterday just ramped my anxiety up to unbearable levels, each call making it more and more hard to call her back.

So I called her this morning and told her to stop it. Of course she denied that she had asked my brother and sister to message me - very typical of her. I told her I would call her when I call her...that I was busy otherwise (somewhat true, I'm busy rebuilding my life). THEN she said I should I call her once every 10 days. For f* sakes, I'm 40 years old, I don't need a f*ing check-in with her every 10 days. So I told her no again.

Then she informed me that my sister would be hosting our family Christmas this year on Boxing Day. Every other year, we have done our family Christmas the weekend before. This was mostly to accommodate me and my family, as I did not want to spend all of Christmas travelling to them (a 3.5 hour drive) and then to my ex's parents (a 2.5 hour drive). Now since I'm single, it seems like they just decided to dispose of this, like I no longer matter in decision making. *.

So I messaged my sister and told her I couldn't make that date. No response as of yet. And why did I message my sister? Because my mom told me to, as if she is not the one responsible for making these decisions (she very much is the one in charge, due to her personality).

She makes me feel so controlled and uncared for. But I know if I tell her that, she will turn it around on me, and I'm not ready yet to have that conversation.

/rant

[Sandals]

Thanks for the book reco's, Rain, I will look into them. I also like the back away slowly approach.

Honestly, it wasn't until I started writing down all of this stuff together that the magnitude of everything really revealed itself to me. In isolation, I feel as if *I'm* the one who's being a jerk.

[keepfighting]

Then she informed me that my sister would be hosting our family Christmas this year on Boxing Day [...]

So I messaged my sister and told her I couldn't make that date. No response as of yet. And why did I message my sister? Because my mom told me to, as if she is not the one responsible for making these decisions (she very much is the one in charge, due to her personality).

She makes me feel so controlled and uncared for. But I know if I tell her that, she will turn it around on me, and I'm not ready yet to have that conversation.

Hi, sandals,

sorry you have to deal with this. 

I've been there - done it - got no Tshirt....

It sounds like classic triangulation to me and is a tactic narc mothers like to use in order to create sibling rivalry and deep mistrust between siblings. It's very effective and extremely erosive for the relationship between siblings.

Here's a link about this topic: http://www.narcissisticmother.com/how-narcissistic-mothers-create-sibling-rivalry

I understand why you are reluctant to go NC with your m. It's probably one of the toughest decisions I ever made and it's taken me more than 5 years of trying to set boundaries and going lower and lower LC before I finally cut the cord. I did it to protect myself and my child (second was born later) from further harm and I don't regret it.

It sounds like your m and siblings are regrouping because you refused to obey their 'command' regarding christmas. Be prepared for ST, hoovering, angry attacks (probably coming from your sibling on behalf of your m - narcs never do the dirty work themselves if they can find someone else to do it for them...) and all the other tricks in the narc book to try to get you back in line (be also careful that they don't approach your children behind your back in an effort to turn them against you. Since triangulation works so well in your FOO system, it's a distinct possibility).

Think about what you and your kids want to do in this holiday season and then stick to your guns. Take good care of yourself and your kids. 

Best wishes, kf

[schrödinger's cat]

I might be wrong, but this really reminds me of every single text I've read about narcissists - that they like to arrange their needling / bullying / rejecting / etc so it's all nicely deniable. "Who? Me? But I only...!" Bleargh. It sounds crazy-making. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. Christmas should be free of such b***sh*t. Saying no sounds like the most self-protective thing to do. I mean, if even the invitation is so abusive, heaven alone knows what the occasion itself would be like. 

Rain's zoo search reminded me of a lovely Polish proverb. It means 'not my problem', and it roughly translates as: "not my zoo, not my monkeys". What your mother did suddenly reminded me of this - all those phone messages and manipulations and hedgings and dodgings, like monkeys on a rampage in your yard.


(found here: http://observationdeck.io9.com/not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys-457554833)

[Sandals]

Kf: You are absolutely right that she is triangulating. My sister is the golden child, the rest of us all are very aware of that. I'm not sure if I fall under scapegoat or lost child, a little of both, likely.  If they stick to Boxing Day, I will not be going; I'm not even sure if I will have the kids then. But I may try to visit my brother the weekend before or after. Both he, my sister and my mom live in the same town, all within 10 minutes of each other, which is partly why it drives me crazy to have to work so hard to influence these dates, as it's a huge drive for me. I respect that they also have other family commitments, but it always seems to be about them (or at least when my mom narrates it). It makes me feel as if I'm being difficult even though rationally I can see it's not me. She is likely painting me black at the moment to everyone else.

Cat: LOVE the not my circus, not my monkeys. You're right, the event itself is highly controlled by her, but I have strategies to work around that. I think she saw that at Thanksgiving which is why she's acting out.

Rain: I'm going to try the zoo approach, too.