Self-Soothing

[zazu]

Anytime I got to feeling too good about anything my uPDM would swoop in and do something that would make me wish nothing good would ever happen to me again.

This is exactly what growing up was like for me, and the reason I have trouble self-soothing today. Thanks for putting it so succinctly, Bee, though I'm really sorry you were treated that way. 

My issue with self-soothing is that so often it wasn't allowed. Due to the nature of my mother's personality disorder, she becomes angry if other people are comfortable or happy. It's very threatening to her. Particulary for her scapegoats, if she discovered something was soothing or brought pleasure or happiness to them she would make that a target of intense shaming. I won't go into specifics lest it be triggering, but suffice it to say that most things on lists for self-care and self-soothing bring feelings of shame and humiliation when I try them. The only things I was really left with as a youngster were things mother ignored or that she couldn't control. This left very few healthy behaviors or activities. Some were outright unhealthy (like developing anorexia, for example.)

I still haven't thought of a way around this.

[Rain]

This is such a deep pain.   In reading this, my chest hurts and tears flooding my eyes, with hurt for you and others, and for myself as a kid.

Self-care, self-love punished.    Such emotional abuse.

Out and out cruelty to a child.

[schrödinger's cat]

   I'm sorry to hear how bad things were for you, zazu.    A parent's job is to teach their kids how to be a grown-up. To actively punish a kid for being mature and independent and self-loving is absolutely atrocious. Do you think you could slooowly nudge your way into normal self-soothing? Say, if you were to take up one eensy thing that feels the least forbidden/shameful, and you gave that a shot for a week or two... would that work, or would that simply be two weeks of distress and guilt that you could well do without?

The reason I'm asking is this. My mother found it alarming if I was exuberant or wanted to try out new things, so she ended up warning me of dangers until I became so afraid that I only left the house to go to school or help her with her shopping. I'm still having great difficulty getting past that. A part of me is dead sure that I'm inept, incompetent, endangered, and unlikely to ever contribute anything of value. This nudging method is one that has worked in the past. It's a bit snakes-and-ladders though - as soon as a REALLY REALLY bad flashback hits, the work is undone and I have to start all over again. Still, every little helps. I found it a lot easier to overcome my resistance towards "trying out a Korean recipe that I liked the name of" (my mother considers almost all foreign food a risk one had best avoid) than it is to overcome my ENTIRE fear of ALL things.

[zazu]

Rain, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.    But it's okay to cry for each other and ourselves. I think...compassion is such a valuable human quality, there should have been more of it in our lives when we needed it.

Schrodinger's Cat - I can try your suggestions, see if it works for me. I do have a lot of fears similar to yours. Life would probably be more managable if I had a more rebellious nature, then it wouldn't be so upsetting to go against all those injunctions laid down in youth. But then again, I must have rebellion in me somewhere, because in many ways my character developed in an opposite way to my mother's and the rest of my FOO. There's a name for that, but I can't remember it at the moment. 

Still, there is much confusion, between my own sense of integrity and values and the toxic shame I'm carrying around. It's painful. The emotional flashbacks have been rough today. These are what I used to call "annihilation anxiety"  because it feels as if I'm shattering into a thousand pieces and disappearing due to the fear. But Pete Walker's description of emotional flashbacks is much more informative and helpful.  I may start a journal on this board to try to sort out these feelings.

Without realizing it, I did do something to distract myself from these feelings today that was a bit rebellious and could have been triggering, but managed it through logical thinking this time. I found myself watching ballet videos online...this hardly seems "rebellious" but mother used to mock me for wanting to be a dancer (my sister had ballet lessons but I was forbidden). I used to burn with humiliation when thinking about the things she'd said. But it couldn't really stop me from enjoying watching the dancers, even if I felt shame over my desire to be one.  I was probably lucky that I didn't have a ballet mother! While watching the films, I thought that these dancer have gone through intensive training to create an art form...my mother has no control over those dancers, mother should have no control over who can enjoy that art form, either. Logic doesn't always work, but it seemed to help this time. 

Thanks for your advice.

[schrödinger's cat]

Phew, I'm glad it was alright. It's impressive that you managed to do something nice for yourself even though you must have been exhausted from all those EFs. That probably makes it count double, what do you think?

Given what you said about your mother, developing in an opposite direction to her sounds like a very good thing. She sounds like she wants to be in control of you, so becoming your own person in that way can't have been easy. So I'd agree with you, that definitely speaks of an inner core of strength and of independent thinking.

These are what I used to call "annihilation anxiety"  because it feels as if I'm shattering into a thousand pieces and disappearing due to the fear. But Pete Walker's description of emotional flashbacks is much more informative and helpful.

Do you relate to what he writes about this "abandonment depression"? He says something like, it's a mixture of shame and fear caused by our original abandonment. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) I get this terror that I'm going to fade and disappear and be lonely and cold forever. Which might or might not be similar to what you mentioned. I'm wondering if it's Walker's "abandonment depression" thing. Could be.

[Badmemories]

Posted by: zazu
« on: November 08, 2014, 06:06:35 AM

My issue with self-soothing is that so often it wasn't allowed. Due to the nature of my mother's personality disorder, she becomes angry if other people are comfortable or happy. It's very threatening to her. Particulary for her scapegoats, if she discovered something was soothing or brought pleasure or happiness to them she would make that a target of intense shaming. I won't go into specifics lest it be triggering, but suffice it to say that most things on lists for self-care and self-soothing bring feelings of shame and humiliation when I try them.

I think taking care of Myself was partially caused by Family..when I became a teenager then on Saturday Am I would start getting ready for Date night with then Girls. We used to have to put curlers in our hair wait for it to dry and then backcomb the crap out of it so it looked high and poofy. My uNPDM got mad at me then and told me if you think You are going to primp every Sat. while I do all the house work well You are mistaken...You are going to help me clean house on Sat. 

OCDuNPDH Was so very jealous when we got together.. that I quit taking care of Myself.  That included using Make-up (when I wore Make-up he was SO sure I was going out to meet a MAN!)  wearing Nice clothing, or anything that caused Him to rage.  I really think that HE was the end to me taking care of Myself. (or else My disease progressed. ) before I met him I was a hair stylist (25 yrs) So I always toke care of Myself then.

I have to self talk a LOT to get in the shower I try and tell Myself how good I will feel afterwards, how much I will like it..etc. I still stall! 

He was talking the other day and telling ME he SEED PLANTED to keep the people of the trailer court in line as he put it! It dawned on me that he is brain washing US all! 

Keep On Keeping on!

[schrödinger's cat]

Sorry, but what's "to seed plant"? Google refuses to spit out an explanation.

[Badmemories]

SCat,
In America many of the revival type preachers talk about giving money to get money back. the preachers commonly call it seed planting. I believe in tithing but these preachers seem to go above board in their promises. So, My unpd husband has taken the context of preachers seed planting to a new level by calling Brain washing seed planting. What he is saying is that IF he tells someone something often enough then they do what he wants!
keep on keeping on!

[Annegirl]

Anytime I got to feeling too good about anything my uPDM would swoop in and do something that would make me wish nothing good would ever happen to me again.

My issue with self-soothing is that so often it wasn't allowed. Due to the nature of my mother's personality disorder, she becomes angry if other people are comfortable or happy. It's very threatening to her. Particulary for her scapegoats, if she discovered something was soothing or brought pleasure or happiness to them she would make that a target of intense shaming. I won't go into specifics lest it be triggering, but suffice it to say that most things on lists for self-care and self-soothing bring feelings of shame and humiliation when I try them. The only things I was really left with as a youngster were things mother ignored or that she couldn't control. This left very few healthy behaviors or activities. Some were outright unhealthy (like developing anorexia, for example.)

I still haven't thought of a way around this.

This sounds so familiar zazu, I am now finding ways to self soothe and I thought the other day, if my mother could see how peaceful and happy I am at times, relaxed I have my own personality, i sing, hum do things now that I know she would have told me were crazy and ridiculed them, the other day thinking about this I was so inwardly kind of smug that she couldn't stop me or say anything to me and how much of myself I didn't know about me and how much she doesn't know who I am.  These are personally some happy, soothing thoughts

[zazu]

Oops, I just saw the replies to my November 8th post! I'm still having a little trouble navigating this site so ...sorry about that. I'm sorry you all have had similar experiences. It's really not fair, is it? Really, what did they expect would become of us, not even being allowed healthy, human, self-soothing behaviors? Even animals in the wild are able to lick their wounds. 

Recently I was able to put another item in the self-soothing category that I can accomplish without guilt or shame (though it is a tad embarrassing). I realized that watching fashion videos gives me a feeling of peace and contentment. It's embarrassing because fashion is so superficial - but this is probably why it's pleasant. I think so much. Way too much! With fashion, you don't have to think, just look. Like a vacation for the mind.

Maybe it's a bit like the ballet. It's visually interesting, and my mother has no more control over the fashion world than the ballet world. My NPDmother might think everyone should wear rags, but she can't stop Paris fashion week! See, that's the rebellion kicking up again. 

This might seem a surprising comfort for someone who was shamed over her appearance, but in my teens I worked as a hairstyle model (yeah, a funny occupation for "the ugly sister" - needless to say I did not get the job through my FOO) and it was a fun and happy experience with lots of positive reinforcement. That may be the reason it escapes the shame feeling that pollutes so much else.

[schrödinger's cat]

I hadn't thought of it like that before - fashion as self-soothing. But it makes sense. I can see the appeal.

I feel similarly about my necklaces and rings. They're cheap, and I rarely buy any, but those I buy, I like a LOT. They're my way of telling myself that I deserve good things, and I deserve to have the good things I want, not the "ladylike" gold jewellery my mother thinks I ought to want (and keeps gently "encouraging" me towards). I would like to be like that about my hair, too, but it always does what it wants and is a terror to style, so we're more like enemy combatants who respect each other's bravery.

[Annegirl]

I love it ZaZu and SC. Zazu I totally get the fashion thing. I'm into that too. And SC it's surprising how these small things help us to know ourselves better. I love how you write.