Alice's Journal - Possible Triggers

[Alice97]

I'm actually doing really well at the moment. I spent the last couple of days at a lake with some friends which ended up going just fine, despite my worries over how I would handle triggers. It turns out there were very few, and I was able to cope and actually enjoy myself. Hooray for small improvements

[Three Roses]

 

[Alice97]

This week has been particularly bad week for nightmares - I've had them all night, every night. This morning I woke up with another flashback type dream where my F was verbally and emotionally abusing my sister and mom, and I tried to yell out to stop him, but then he turned on me and I just felt totally helpless and terrified - like I felt as a child when he would be abusive. My nightmares don't always affect my physically, but this morning I woke myself up because I was breathing so hard. So that was hard to shake off but I'm getting better at not dwelling on the dreams and just turning to music or writing or something else to get my mind off of them until my brain can calm down again.

Things are also getting to their worst stage in the cycle of abuse at home. I'm getting more and more anxious to move out. As many of you well know, there's always a cycle with Narcissistic/sociopathic abuse, and we are entering the stage where everything blows up. Unless a miracle occurs, things will probably explode this weekend because F will be home from work and we will all be in the same room throughout the weekend. I'm not as apprehensive as I've been in the past, partially because I don't feel guilty or responsible for my family anymore, but also because I'm just very detached and numb and dissociated.

I'm hopefully getting my driver's license in a couple of weeks (fingers crossed I'll pass the road test), after which I can get a job and develop a more serious plan to move out without causing a war on my way out (or at least less of a war).

So my plan for now is (a. survive the next couple of weeks (b. get driver's license  (c. work on plan to move out (d. get a job that will be steady enough for me to afford to get my own place  (e. stay alive for the next year so I can move out next summer at the latest.

[Alice97]

I'm still alive!   

I'm doing better in some ways and worse in others. I've been dropping hints to my parents that I want to move out, and they haven't freaked out about it yet (the more prepared my family is for my departure the better they will handle it). I'm currently looking for a job so I can have enough income to be self-sustaining. I never realized how hard it is to find jobs that aren't too triggering. I'm currently looking into some online jobs, such as tutoring, data entry, and the like so that I can possibly not have to be around triggers too much.

That being said I'm still having a really hard time dealing with all the crap my Inner Child and PTSD brain are putting me through.  I'm discovering new triggers all the time, which I guess is good in a way because I can deal with them more effectively when I realize I'm being triggered, but it's also discouraging because there are so many, and they are so hard to recover from. I'm still having nightmares almost every night. I'm not sure how to explain this but I almost feel like my nightmares and daydreams are merging together, like I almost can't tell which is which anymore. Does anyone know what I mean? I'm in such a dissociative state all the time that night and day just get pushed together. I still know what's real and what isn't but nothing actually feels real anymore. I can't connect to anyone or anything, like I'm sleepwalking.

A positive is that I've sort of accepted that this is where I am now instead of fighting it so much. I think that has helped me not to panic so much when the PTSD roller coaster hits rock bottom. I'm getting better at allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel at the moment, then releasing it when I can.

One of my biggest challenges over the past couple of weeks has been realizing that most people can't understand how serious my symptoms are, or that they are actually life threatening. I've reached out to a friend a little for help, just to sort of test the waters to see how she would react if I talked about some things (like nightmares). She has tried to be supportive, but she is also busy planning her wedding (which I'm going to be in, it's this weekend  ) I've come to realize that she really can't understand because she hasn't been where I am. She can sympathize, yes. But really, truly, understand, no. It hurts to know that I'm probably not going to find someone who can walk through this with me every step of the way. When people find out you have terminal cancer, they take it very seriously. Mental illness has such a stigma with it and people don't understand or talk about the "scarier" disorders (like DID and PTSD). So I'm still trying to come to terms with the emptiness and pain I feel and trying to figure out where the best place to reach out for help would be, if that makes any sense at all. 

I feel like I need an overdose of love and caring, decent people in my life for like a hundred years to make up for the last 19 years of my life, but that isn't going to happen. I don't want to burden anyone, but I don't want to isolate myself either. Which is why I should probably look more seriously into trying to find a good therapist, but I can't do that until I've moved out. So I'm just trying to hang on and hope it will get better.

I found this quote on Pinterest the other day that really resonated with me:

"Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I'm not sure which is worse - drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst."

[healingjourney]

Just stopping by to congratulate you on your continued perseverance. I hope with good choices you begin to feel more empowered in your life. It's pretty awesome you've opened up to your parents about moving out and are envisioning your plan. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. And the same goes with plans.

[samantha19]

Aw I really relate to a lot of what you're saying.

Also, that quote is great, saving it.

Well done for keeping on keeping on. It's great to hear you're moving forward and you're gonna get out of the house  I hope you find a good therapist and wish you all the best in the future 

[Alice97]

Thank you so much samantha19, I really appreciate your support 

I had kind of a rotten weekend. I called a suicide hotline Saturday night because I was struggling with some thoughts, and they ended up sending a police officer to my home (which freaked out my parents and shook me up pretty good). I had no idea they would do that, but looking back I guess it makes sense. I lied and said I wasn't the one who called, and my parents and the officer (thankfully) believed me. The cop said it must have been a spoof. He didn't make a big deal out of it and left. But it is taking me forever to get over it, and I'm not sure why. Part of me feels guilty for lying (I'm one of those weirdos who is allergic to lying), but I also think my confidence and trust in people was shaken up pretty bad and the whole situation sent me into an extremely dissociated state, worse than ever before. I know I will get over it eventually, and I'm really looking forward to moving out of my FOO's house, which I think is helping a lot. But I still feel really shaky and guilty and just sick inside.

[Alice97]

I'm so tired and confused. . .

My brain hurts. My chest feels heavy. I've felt like I'm on the verge of tears all day. And the stupid thing is that I should be fine because F hasn't been very abusive or angry this week, which makes M happy and the house more peaceful. But honestly it just makes me mad because it seems so superficial and manipulative. Last time he did this he said he was trying to be nice to see if it would make M change into the idealistic wife he expects her to be. She keeps saying when he goes nice (I don't know if it's hoovering or if he really is trying) that he's doing better... But honestly I don't see the change she does. More than that though I am so worn out. My soul feels like it's been through a war for 10+ years without any support and now it's catching up with me. The dissociation has been especially bad this week (the kind where you barely recognize people you know). It seems like I'm always in pain no matter what my circumstances are like. And I feel guilty for that. I feel like I should be able to snap out of it. But I can't. I can have good days, and it's looking like I'll be able to move out soon, but my mind is forever scarred.

Plus I've been having more issues that I think may go back to my possibly being molested at a young age.

I feel so empty, guilty, dirty, and like I need an overdose of love that no one can give.

The nightmares seem like they are crossing over into daily life, it's getting harder to shake them off.

[Three Roses]

Hang in there, you got this! We're here to listen