Can't do what I love any more

[Sesame]

I don't remember where I read this, but somewhere I learnt that this could indeed be a common symptom of C-PTSD.

It just seems as if I don't have the willpower to do what I truly want to do, even if I want it. Previously, I would have said I got distracted, I got depressed, then I was abused by my MIL, which led to me always hearing her voice telling me I was `wasting my time', would `never succeed' and that it was `impossible' I could do what I wanted to do. Other times, due to her abuse, I told myself I didn't deserve to have this time to write and draw, and that I should be spending it all on something else that would please her.

Even now, despite recognising all of these things and having spent time trying to work through it all, I just can't do it. I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager. Every spare moment was spent writing or drawing and now I either can't do it, or I end up feeling sad and useless, then quitting. The only time I ever spend drawing is at work, for other people. Why can't I have the same enthusiasm when it comes to doing it for myself? Why does every success I am proud of not remove this reluctance to sit down and practise what I love? It makes no sense, yet this blockade exists and I cannot seem to pass it. Can anyone help?

[radical]

I'm sorry you've lost your passion.  I know what it feels like.

The only things I do, are things I have to do and even they are pared down to the bare minimum.
This evening I made myself go out into the garden. It was lovely out.  I set myself a block of time to make myself do 'leisure in the sun'.  All I saw was weeds and messes and things that i should have done before. I felt despondent about the soil condition and the snails everywhere.  It wasn't a half-hearted effort it was a zero-hearted effort.

But at least I can say I got some seedlings planted and there are now .000000001 of one percent less weeds.  It must be harder with art, I guess you can't set a time and do whatever comes, and be able to say you've done something.

Could you cheat and sign up for a really easy art class?  Not to learn, but to maybe pick up on the love of the craft that others are feeling, but without it being demanding.  It could be  a beginners class or workshop in some other branch of art that you aren't expert in, like hand-building ceramics?  I was aware when i forced myself to go to my Qi Gong class last night, that I need others to have the interest and passion for me, to be able to tag along on the coat tails of others.  It helped me being there.  It was like climbing a mountain getting there and making myself do it.  I gave myself lots of praise even though i didn't feel praise-worthy because I'm the only person who knows how hard it is to do what should be natural and enjoyable.

Hang in there Sesame.    At least we're not alone with this.

[meursault]

I just started drawing again about a year ago.  I used to draw almost daily and loved it.

I realized it's like a lot of things with me, though, that I can't seem to do any more.  After my Dad died, the trauma of that makes EVERYTHING feel wrong.  My whole being is screaming at me to flee, but I can't and anything I do feels wrong, and urgently wrong, since my body thinks the only right thing to do is escape.  So instead of acting at all, and firing off that flight response, I stay frozen.

I discovered I had to relearn in a way.  I actually immediately drew better, but I had to relearn how to ENJOY it.  I found I started by just doodling and shading or filling pages, just getting used to the pencil again.  I didn't feel like it, like I had the passion for it, because I had to relearn it didn't feel wrong.  It actually took a lot of just relearning to enjoy the sensations of the texture of pencil on paper.  It was really getting back to the basics and finding out how to enjoy just making marks on the paper again.

After a bit of that, I did what radical suggested, and signed up for an art class.  I didn't learn much from the class, but it gave me a place to go and relearn on my own.  Lots of drawing of nude models too, which I'd never done before, so I wasn't too worried about the result.  A really cute nude model was walking around looking at everyone's pictures and was wowed by my picture and asked if she could have it.  I felt so good about that, my drawing confidence has been mostly back since.

Same thing with mechanical work.  I used to love fixing things, and had no problem doing mechanical work at a job a couple of years ago, but on my own, everything seems like a huge life and death emergency when I try to fix something.  I just crumple.  So mostly, I just don't feel like even trying.

Writing's like that too, a bit.  That's why email was important to me with a tehrapist.  I can only write if I am communicating SOMETHING to an actual person, otherwise, there's that flight response.

Anyhow, maybe some of that fits with you, maybe not.

Meursault

[Kizzie]

I've been thinking for some time now that perhaps we could have an area for members' art here at OOTS to convey what CPTSD feels like.  Not a contest or anything, just us using drawing, painting, sketching or maybe photography to express how we feel.  I don't know if that would be of interest Sesame or perhaps it would be too much pressure right now?  You mentioned drawing at work for other people and I thought maybe drawing to express yourself to us might help you to do something you used to love but that now might also help in recovery.  Just a thought.

[Elizabeth Jack]

I did a similar thing...  My parents always s*** on everything I did.  It was never good enough.  It's painful, to do art for just yourself.  For me, it really helped to make my environment beautiful.  But it's still hard.  I still haven't written the story I've wanted to for almost 20 years.   

[Sesame]

Thank you all for your replies.

Unfortunately art classes in my location are ridiculously expensive and all are based in the centre of the city, which means it will be both costly and time-consuming. Considering not having a lot of spare time is already something that prevents me from really sitting down and trying to draw/write again, I'm not sure it would help. If I were anywhere else, I'm sure it would be. In fact, I had hoped I would have more space after moving here so I could create physical art as opposed to only digital. However, space is hard to find in this city. I would have nowhere to put anything I create.

Kizzie, I like the idea. I'm not sure if or when I would feel comfortable participating, but I think it would be helpful for more than just me. It's also encouraging to see others getting back into creating again. So maybe watching for a while would make me feel like joining in.

Elizabeth Jack, my parents were always encouraging, but my MIL is not. She has always made sure I know I'm not good enough and has told me I will never be able to draw/write. While I am sure that she is wrong, I do still wonder if that affects me today on a subconscious level. I want to write so many stories, but it seems I never find the time and then threads of them float away and are lost in the wind again.

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

Hi Sesame!  I suggest starting small, to perhaps rekindle even a slight interest.
Maybe you could do a small doodle on a post-it note.
I know how hard it is to see something you enjoyed for so long, suddenly be so painful to do.
I am still new to this healing process and am having to force myself to do school sometimes.

@radical.  What you said about something being so hard for us to do, and giving ourselves some inner praise, really cheered me up.

I am so blessed to have found this board.
Hugs to everybody out there who is helping us heal, and for the people on this forum who share their stories and tips! 

[Sisue]

The last 3 years have probably been the most despondent years of my life, complete with months of suicidal urges that freaked my family out and I was admitted to the hospital.  The suicidal urges subsided and was followed by a year of severe flat line depression.  There was no "life" in any aspect of my life.  It was an existence just above the line of death.  I had absolutely nothing to keep me going.  I couldn't even talk about what was going on inside me.  Or more correctly, what was NOT going on inside me.  My whole being (physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual) went into complete shutdown mode.  I was being kept alive simply by the most primitive built-in  instincts.

No matter how many times I did activities, I never was able to participate.  I was an automaton.  Just going through the motions.

I am sure I would have benefited from the support I have found here, but just didn't have any energy to read or respond.  I couldn't even talk and when I did it was minimalist.  Think "yes or no" questions and answers but mostly just silence.

I am just beginning to feel like I MAY be able to participate in life again.  Just my being here is a HUGE step up from where I was.  I know I am not who I was and I have no idea who I will become.  I truly feel like I died and have to start completely over.  That, in itself is scary.  Add trying to understand the reasons and it is extremely overwhelming!

I could say "be patient with yourself".  But I won't because I got so sick of hearing that that I just wanted to punch anyone who said it.  Seriously?  Look up the word patience.  How can you accept or tolerate suffering?  Much less without complaint or annoyance! 

I truly have no great advice or suggestions. 
It's just less lonely to hear all of your similar stories. 
to all of you!

[Sisue]

I forgot to link this about suicidal urges. 
http://karlamclaren.com/lets-talk-about-suicide/

Karla talks about suicidal urges in such a logical, not-guilt-ridden way.

She says, "when people are feeling suicidal, they're not having a simple happiness deficiency or exhibiting a character flaw. Something very serious is going on." 

Her book The Language of Emotions goes into more detail about why we get them (the suicidal urges) and the purpose they serve.  It was so helpful for me to read about it because I seriously felt bad, weak, shamed and *-bound for having suicidal urges.  Now I understand them and they are no longer the "big bad wolf"! 

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

Sisue, I feel for you.  I remember when I also had REALLY bad depression.
I felt like I was a robot, just "going through the motions", and not enjoying any activities.   (I like how you stated that.  It makes it easy to understand.)
I feel as if I too have had to completely start over.
I also don't really feel an exact emotion most of the time.  Just more of a "okay, I'm here" type of thing.

But hey, thanks for sharing how you feel.
It not only helps you, but also the other people on this board understand more about what they are going through.
Biggest of big hugs to you!   

[Riverlad]

Thank you all.
The suggestion to start small seems obvious now that I know . I love dancing and have danced for over ten years until I met a a person whom I believed felt the way I did. Short story is three years later they danced on, eventually, with the new partner and I collapsed in a heap of self pity, grief, confusion and shame for nearly three years. Thanks to therapy, this site, reading lots and buckets of tears, I'm coming to understand the why's of it all (CPTSD) yet could not move on dancing. Thinking/feeling starting small may be the answer. Certainly hope so. Thankyou all for contributing, it helps expand my world.