Introduce Myself

[Whobuddy]

I have been on a mission to figure out what is wrong with me and to stop the emotional pain for about 15 years now. Discovering Pete Walker's books about CPTSD has helped immensely. I started reading the books 6 months ago. My childhood was sad and lonely. I have been in denial about that for years. I thought what I went through was the same as everyone else and I just wasn't handling it as well. Now I know differently. My current life is a result of survival choices made beginning about age 15. I am a married professional with 2 children, one grandchild, a home, and probably appear pretty normal. It is like living in someone else's life. Inside I work hard to keep the emotional pain to a manageable level, filter what I say and do, and basically imitate what I think of as a normal person. My story differs from most in that there was no one there for me in my childhood. My family isolated us from all relatives, my mother isolated us from our father, and there were no teachers, coaches, or counselors that befriended me. I look forward to learning about the stories of others that have had similar experiences. No one I know has had a background like mine.

[Badmemories]

Hi, Whobuddy, Welcome.

You wrote:
My story differs from most in that there was no one there for me in my childhood. My family isolated us from all relatives, my mother isolated us from our father, and there were no teachers, coaches, or counselors that befriended me. I look forward to learning about the stories of others that have had similar experiences. No one I know has had a background like mine.

Who buddy, You have found a great place to come and think about things that were out of Your control as a child. My family life was much like Yours, and MOST of Us were abused as children whether it was emotional, physical, or any other kind of abuse.

I have been working on really realizing that I was abused. realizing that has been helping me a lot! It is so hard to admit that the people that were supposed to love and protect YOU were abusive....

I have been working on what is causing me to disassociating from Myself. it is slow going for me and probably for all of us. This forum and the OOTF site have helped me to have some hope that someday I can be well. It is not easy, but it is what is is...Now though I DO have hope that I can get relief over this pain and the chains that bind me! Having hope is what keeps me going now!

keep on keeping on!

[Rain]

Hi there, Whobuddy.   Well, you just found many people with similar histories.   I'm sorry to hear of the sadness and being so lonely for you back then.   

It does considerable damage as humans are tribal creatures ...our brains need other brains.   And, especially for children to develop...it is sad and cruel what you went through.

I am glad you have Pete's book!!    He wrote it for people like us on the OOTF / OOTS forums.    He has solutions I've not found elsewhere.

Please do read the Member Guidelines, and venture through the posts, and you will likely find yourself in them.   I look forward to reading your posts, and sharing in your Journey to Healing.

You can be fully you ...and not have to pretend normalcy.   

Grace and Healing in your Journey,
Rain

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for your responses. I am deeply moved by your responses and the posts on this site. I have been spending part of my Sundays in reading and journaling in solitude for quite awhile. Now to know and hear from others adds a wonderful and exciting new dimension!

[Whobuddy]

I have read too many books to count. I usually find tidbits of help in most. But some have actually made me feel worse. Especially books by Bradshaw. Not sure why. None have resonated like Pete Walker's books.

[Rain]

I so understand, Whobuddy.   The Pete Walker's books are excellent ...like you say, they really resonate with me.   I also love the Karyl McBride book, and especially her audio version that she narrates, of the Will I Ever Be Good Enough?.

Recently, there have been two books I stopped reading as they hurt my progress.   It's not just you, Whobuddy.

[Kizzie]

Hi WhoBuddy and welcome to OOTS. As several others have suggested, you are in good company now.  Many of us here suffered from emotional abandonment in childhood which as you have undoubtedly read Walker (2013) describes as "the core wound in Complex PTSD:"

Our journey of recovery takes a quantum leap forward when we really feel and understand how emotionally devastating it was to be emotionally abandoned. An absence of parental loving interest and engagement, especially in the first few years, creates an overwhelming emptiness. Life seems harrowingly frightening to the infant or toddler who is left for long periods without comfort and care. Children are helpless and powerless for a long time, and when they sense that no-one has their back, they feel scared, miserable and disheartened. Much of the constant anxiety that adult survivors live in is this still aching fear that comes from having been so frightening abandoned

Unfortunately, I did not have an adult in my life who helped me with this either so I can relate to what you are feeling, and as well to your reaction of trying to appear normal.  A lot of us have lived behind a mask or facade of normalcy until we find out about CPTSD and realize that there is something at the root of those feelings we try to ignore or stuff down.

I also wanted to mention that there's some information about Bradshaw's work that may help you to identify why it bothers you (they do me as well) here - See http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=19.msg91#msg91.

Looking forward to talking in the forums!

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Whobuddy, pleased to meet you! I hope you'll find something helpful here.

My childhood was - hm, bearable, but my teenage years, not so much. Very isolated, leaving me with the impression that I was going to pieces and nobody cared enough to see. And of course, everyone gives you the (implicit or explicit) message that everything's fine, this is just you, other people go through far worse, bla bla bla. That's one reason why Pete Walker's book is so helpful - he takes such pains to point out what precisely is painful about CPTSD and why it is so. I'm glad you found it already. It does make a difference to realize that abandonment is painful - that one has come by one's pain honestly, as it were.