Anger/Transference at therapist

[Twinkletoes]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to know if anyone else has become angry at their therapist?

I have been seeing mine for over 2 years now and have recently upped my sessions from once a week to twice a week.  On my last session I felt very irritated because I felt that SHE was angry/frustrated and then felt like she was angry at me for not feeling how I should be... later on in the session I felt like she almost wanted to shake me and make me feel the way she is saying I should about recovery from a mother with NPD... when it isn't that easy.... it is very hard to explain but I emailed her the next day I vented my anger, I told her I wondered whether she has actually been in my shoes because it isn't as easy as she makes out and I told her that I feel I can't do anything right or please anyone (meaning NPD mum or her) ... she replied to say we would discuss this when we were together next (which is tonight) and now I am really nervous and dreading the conversation!! Is it transference or what? any advice appreciated. x

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... maybe you are on the threshold of a breakthrough? Or, maybe she triggered you into a fight response, or you were having an EF.

Here are some links to check out -

http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

http://www.pete-pwalker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I'm sure your therapist will be professional and not take it personally.  Let us know how it goes. 

[Twinkletoes]

Could it be a breakthrough then?  I don't think its an EF, purely because I have had lots of them and I can generally tell when it is that... but obviously I wouldn't rule it out...

I am sure she will be professional too, but I am nervous. It just feels weird I guess - perhaps it is just because I am not used to discussing my angry feelings or "going against" authority or something...

I will let you know how it goes, thank you for your reply xxx

[Kizzie]

Hi Twinkletoes - It sounds to me like you were sticking up for yourself which is actually great recovery imo.  Maybe today you can take some time to explain why you felt the way you did and if some of that relates back to how your M treated you, that's understandable. It could be some transference or simply that she was pushing you in a way that you did not want to be pushed and you were pushing back (totally fair in human relations I would say).

Hope it goes well   

[Twinkletoes]

Ah thank you Kizzie, that was a lovely post to read this morning! I said I would come back and update you all, so here is what happened last night.

I felt nervous all day about going. Not totally awful or anything, but I wasn't looking forward to it. I knew that she wouldn't have a go at me or belittle me and I knew, most importantly, that she would validate my feelings (which still takes getting used to) after growing up with a narcissistic mother.  She asked me how I felt about coming and I told her the truth – that I was nervous. She asked me what I felt nervous about exactly and I said it's just awkward. She said she understands that I am angry with her. I said I don't think I am. She said it certainly sounded/felt in my email that I am.  I said to her that my boyfriend also said he thought I was but that it all felt quite confused.  She said she thinks I am angry with her but that the thought of being angry with her scares me and so I try not to feel that way. I did agree with that.  She asked what part of the conversation had made me feel angry initially and I said it was that she kept saying I either feel things intensely or not at all and that I know that and that it frustrates be soooooooooo much so it just felt like she was telling me something I know better than anyone and I was frustrated that I couldn't change that. I told her that I felt that I was "doing it wrong" and that I "wasn't good enough". She said she thinks that she triggered some deep stuff in me and perhaps that is how I felt growing up/because of my mother.  I got quite teary, not sobbing or anything, but I had tears running down my face for a lot of it.  She told me that this is quite normal and that she will sometimes say something that triggers me because of things I've dealt with and that I just need to tell her and we can work through it – she explained its transference etc.  She suggested that perhaps it was scary that she didn't "get it" or understand and that really hit a nerve and I cried again. I said yes. I said that I felt she was minimising the pain I feel because of everything and that she made it sound so easy. I told her she said I shouldn't feel the guilt but I do. That I could one day perhaps go no-contact with my Nmum but that to be the thought isn't one that I can handle.... I said everything felt too hard and that I wanted to give up. I said I knew that she hadn't done anything wrong, but I was angry and I didn't really know who with. She said she thinks when I am angry with her/someone else, I turn the anger inwards to myself because that is less scary and I agreed. I told her that sometimes I question whether she has been wrong about it all – that my mum isn't really as bad as that even though I know logically and rationally that she is.. I said I know she knows her stuff, but it doesn't feel like it should be right.... She seemed to understand this. I said that sometimes I wish I never went to her and I never learned any of it – maybe it would hurt less.... I said I feel I can't do right whatever I do – I put up boundaries from my Nmum and she gets furious with me, makes me feel like the persecutor – makes me feel hugely guilty  then therapist tells me I shouldn't – but I do – so then I feel stupid... (it is all a bit hard to explain)...

She said that feelings aren't tidy and that they are messy but that I don't seem to like that and I get scared by "messy" feelings.. I agreed.  I said I know that I am in therapy for a lot of hard stuff and that each time I "get over" a bad patch, I know that another one will come, but that it doesn't prepare you for when it does... she seemed to understand that and was sympathetic. She told me that I am doing good but I said I didn't feel like I was...

I don't know how to explain how I felt or how I feel about things and I hate that – she seemed to already know. I said I just feel very fed up and she said she thought I was very in touch with my feelings of hopelessness *probably a EF in a way....

That's it really, I think... not really sure what to make of it all. I still feel supported by her though which is good. She thanked me for coming when I left which she's never said before, I have wondered why she said that but I think I liked that she did.. maybe she just validated that it was scary for me to go and say all that I said..

J x

[Three Roses]

I think you are incredibly brave!!! Yay for you!! I think perhaps she thanked you for coming because she recognized you were facing some really heavy emotional stuff, and dealing with it head on. Well done, you!

[Twinkletoes]

Aww you are too kind! Thank you x

[Sienna]

Twinkletoes, hope you don't mind me chipping in.
Im sorry this has been so hard. Therapy is hard.

My issue is that she said *you shouldnt feel guilty*, - i don't know if she worded it exactly like that. Where as, everything else seems ok.
Do you think that a small part of it wasnt transference but was about what she said, which could have reminded you of perhaps, invalidation as a child, being told what you should and should not feel?
Maybe she means that there is no need to feel guilty, but to you- there is, and that will take some time to stop feeling.
It is all at your own pace.
I would personally want to know what she means exactly by saying that you shouldn't feel that.
Do you think that if she rephrased things like that it would help you?
Such as, *I don't think that you HAVE a logical reason to feel guilty, as you havent done anything wrong to deserve feeling guilty,  ...but i understand that you do feel guilty*?

Hope you don't mind my suggestion.

[sanmagic7]

twinkletoes, i can certainly relate to feeling messy.  i think i've felt messy for half my recovery.  what i would always discover after coming out the other side of the messiness, was that i was kind of floundering my way through all these new feelings, emotions, thoughts, awarenesses, and realizations that every step forward brings.  i don't think there's anything wrong with being messy (although it can feel pretty uncomfortable and disruptive at the time), and that it actually is a positive thing.  you are tackling something new, possibly disturbing, probably not well known or understood at the time, and are going about the business of making sense out of it for yourself and your life.

i think your therapist thanked you for not only your bravery but for your trust in allowing all that to come out between the two of you.  it took a lot of both for you to say what you said, and i say bravo to you!   i think you did a really good job of exploring what was bothering you, standing your ground, and delving into the messiness, even tho you don't like it (it's not a very fun place to be, that's for sure!).  and, you said that you felt supported by her, so i also believe that's a good thing.  it sounds to me like you're making some headway, moving through the muck that is a part of recovery.  you really are doing good, the way i see it.

[hypervigilante]

Twinkletoes!

Congratulations for getting through a very deep conflict in such a constructive way!

It sounds like you faced something that made you uneasy head on and the end result was that you got the listening and attentiveness you needed.

I'm very proud of you!  And I'm glad she validated that it's been YOUR CHOICE to come in each time, and that you made a choice to say how you felt despite the discomfort, and that you saw that there's an opportunity for balance to come after some emotionally difficult sharing!

HOORAY for you!! Seriously, enjoy your day. You are definitely doing something right if you're listening to yourself when you can. You did GREAT!