Hi I am new here

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Knewit714! I think I know what you mean - I've been trying to "fix my problems" for the past thirty years, and it's such a relief to finally have found an explanation that fits all the available facts. It feels bizarre to read a description of CPTSD and go "oh YAY!", because CPTSD is the pits. But it's just so good to finally know where I'm at. After all, no one can fix any problem unless they first know what the problem is.

So, welcome, and I hope you'll find this place helpful.

[Rain]

Hi there, KnewIt714 and welcome to the forum.

I hope you get some    now that you figured it out!!   It is a long time coming for the field to grasp trauma.

In your all-nighter research, did you find Pete Walker's web site, www.pete-walker.com?   He has many excellent articles, many of which are from his second book, CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.   Many of us here use his book as a road map out of the CPTSD!

Say KnewIt714, can you start an Introduction about yourself, so we can get to know you?   We will be happy to hear ...and believe ...that you have PTSD, a complex version.   

Please read Kizzie's Welcome post, and read away as you likely find yourself in the words here at the forum.

[ET]

Dear badmemories
I am sorry to read that you lost 2 brothers that way.
It must be really  hard for you.
Thanks for telling me.
Take care
ET

[Badmemories]

Nobody blamed Me for their suicides.. I blamed Myself! I think that that is even harder to deal with. AT the time I did not know about suicide and My one brother said he was going to commit suicide. I did not knoww hat to do with his statement, and I tried to call him afterwards and could not get a hold of him. He had passed already! I was the glue that held My family together and planned the funeral and all that because no one had the strength to do it! I blamed My self for years... I don't any longer. I still tear up about it... I actually think I still grieve...

lately I have thought about it as a choice G-d gives us when things get so bad that we can't get ourselves together.  A way out of sorts...I could never believe it is a sin like some religions believe. How could it be a sin when You are so hurting that your mind is not right and then That seems like the only option? G-d to me is bigger than all that... I think He judges Us knowing what each one of us has been through and the mental pain we have been through! 

[ET]

Hi Badmemories
I feel guilty and also blame myself for his
death. When we found his letter he left I hoped to
find reconciliation but it was everything but that and he
blamed me for it. The idear that he must have hated me so much
to kill himself ist not easy to digest
For the left behind it is not easy when someone takes his life.,but I hope
that time will heal our wounds.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my words. How could he do this to you? I've had suicidal thoughts myself, and I'm very sure that no one kills themselves simply to spite someone else. There are always other reasons. Maybe he was hurting so bad from the other things going on in his life that he... I don't even know... people do the weirdest, stupidest things when they're hurting, including wanting to make others feel as bad as they feel, and lashing out at them. But don't accept the blame. There's no way that this is true.

All the best, ET. I hope too that time will heal your wounds.

[Badmemories]

trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert! trigger alert!

ET wrote:
When we found his letter he left I hoped to
find reconciliation but it was everything but that and he
blamed me for it. The idea that he must have hated me so much
to kill himself ist not easy to digest

No ET no matter what he said It is nobodies fault but his own! Me, I think of suicide as a button that G-D gives us to bail out of life, when life gets to bad. He bailed out.. no more no less...I have been there before.

At One point after My brothers committed suicide I also thought about it. In fact the way it worked for me is that I felt like I was in a river getting carried away by some force other than MY own. It was like My mind was in control and My body was just listening to the voice.  I was just getting carried away by the river and I did not have much control. I was severely depressed. I had no hope that life would ever get better for me. The voice inside me kept pushing me. I know this might sound corny or what ever... but as a Christian I began to pray. I pleaded on the blood of Christ... I begged him to make the voice go away!. Actually I was scared of Myself! Soon the voice went away. I tried real hard to keep busy... to not think....not to hear the voice that I was hearing....I did not go through with the thought that MY mind was entertaining...

So, this why I understand how it works. There is No way that anybody who goes through with suicide can blame anyone else! He might have been mad at You and wrote the note to reflect that...to get even at You for any perceived problem that he FELT You had caused. You did not make it happen though. Everyone is responsible for their own life. The only way we could be responsible is IF we were G-D. G-D does not give us the choice over the lives of others only the choice to end OUR OWN life. ( i guess IF we were killers maybe, but most people are not killers) It is the relief valve that we choose on our own. HE CHOSE TO DIE! 

I am kind of an odd man out as far as religion goes.. I truly believe in reincarnation. My brother had his son ... and his son is exactly like his twin brother that committed suicide. mannerisms, everything,,, My nephew always says he is so close to his dad that they could be brothers. He even looks like his twin. My son... He is exactly like My other brother. Honestly it it like he is My mothers other child. He has always been close to My Mother. She does not particularly believe in reincarnation but she admits that they have a bond just like he was her son. She Never babysat for him or any of the things that would make her bond to her. My Son has the same personality as My brother had....It just is....

Anyway I apologize ahead IF I insulted any beliefs anyone Has...I only wanted to tell how I feel about it.... Hopefully the years of pain that I have felt and worked through can help someone else.

Keep on keeping on!