Fear of rejection

[oreo]

Since I have been in recovery and working on my CPTSD, I am going through something that I have never felt so strongly.  Could be because I am not numbing anymore but man is it rough.

Here's the story.  I met a lady about a month ago and we have been on 3 dates. We really it it off well and truly enjoyed each other's company.  We are about the same age and have both been separated from our spouses for about a year and neither one of us have been in a meaningful relationship since then.  My fears of rejection right now are almost debilitating.  I send her a text and if she doesn't reply within a given period of time, the negative thoughts begin.  See proof she doesn't want to see me, as I expected she's seeing someone else etc etc based on...absolutely nothing.  Then she replies and my feelings subside and then I reply and here we go again.  It is just awful.  I asked her to go out on Wed and she said she would love to but she may have friends coming in from out of town.  Logically, I think ok makes sense, she has only known me for a month and she does actually have a life.  But then the negative self talker kicks in and it says, well if she really cared she would make time in her life for me, or figures probably another guy and on it goes.  A year ago I would have numbed by acting out and all would have been well.  Now though the power of these emotions is overwhelming.  It s not even like I have a relationship to destroy but I would certainly like to explore it to see where it goes and I am fearful that I will ruin it before it even begins.  Sigh - any ideas would be helpful.  Thanks for listening.

[Three Roses]

It makes sense to me that if you have only been on a few dates, she wouldn't want to cancel seeing her friends.  It also makes sense to me how you could find this suspicious, as if she's making excuses not to see you - but that sounds more like an Inner Critic job.

I try to believe people when they tell me things, until they prove by their actions they're untrustworthy. I will usually give someone the benefit of the doubt in cases like this, but no more than 3 times. After that, they can chase me.

[sanmagic7]

i have been in that situation more times than i care to recall, from anyone with whom i've had a relationship, be it familial, friend, romantic, spouse - it didn't matter.  i would ruminate, run through major backtracks about what he said she said i said, how i should have done it differently, what does the other half of the conversation really mean, what do the actions really mean.  horrible!

i would tend to believe that leaving your numbing behaviors behind may have contributed to being able to feel these emotions in such intensity.  when i was drinking, it was a lot easier for me to simply drown whatever was bothering me and move on.  i'm not saying that's what you've done, just my experience in numbing behaviors.

as i've moved along in recovery, begun getting stronger within myself, more sure of my relationships, more sure of my 'self', some of the doubts have receded.  with new people, i'm more able to take things as they come.  not perfectly, but better and easier than before.  hopefully, you'll find some resolution as you continue on your journey.   in the meantime, i agree with 3roses that all we can do is take someone at their word, and discover what happens.  not always so easy, but practice helps in the long run.   you'll get there.

[movementforthebetter]

I feel you on this because I have been through it more times than I can count.

Sometimes I am able to tough it out. I think I've also chased guys off before anything real had a chance.

If she's busy, it will take time to work you into her life more. I don't know what's a normal timeframe but definitely multiple months seems reasonable. And as someone who has always rushed in love I now really think going slow has value. I'm working on calming those critics myself, so I'm also going to try out my advice in my own life.

I think the best you can do for yourself is to try and channel the critic's energy into something else... More self care, a hobby, other friends.

I like the 3 strikes you're out policy, too. I use it myself, unless one of the strikes turns out to be a dealbreaker. Ditto for taking people at their word for the first while, until I know them better and can spot patterns.

Good luck, and happy dating to you. 

[oreo]

3 Roses and Sanmagic7

thanks for your thoughtful insights.  You are both bang - intellectually I know that I just need to believe it.  Even as recently as an hour ago she texted and said she couldn't wait until the next time we got together.  I have no reason at all not to believe her but guess what IC says I'm probably not worth it anyway.  This is tough but I also know that everyday is a new day and at some point I need to let people in and accept what they have to offer.

[sanmagic7]

why would she go out of her way to lie? 

[oreo]

I know that's how ridiculous my IC is.  He invades really nice thoughts by trying to convince me that I am unlovable and not worthy.  For example, I just sent her a text asking if she would like to come over for dinner next week.  She hasn't even responded and my IC is telling me to move on and that she will say no because I'm not worthy and who would want to spend their time with me.  So if she does say yes then I am afraid that I am going to be so clingy and needy that it will ruin everything anyway.  This is a struggle and I hate it.  Well not really because I know it is good for me assuming of course that I learn from it.   

[sanmagic7]

learning is a big one, isn't it!  we'll just keep on keepin' on, and i have no doubt things will fall into place.  i have a strong feeling, tho, that someone as worried and concerned about being 'good enough' is actually just that!  those who aren't, it doesn't really bother them.  you're plenty good enough.  not everyone can see it, tho, but that's only cuz they're blinded by other things.  those who can 'see', will.  your only job is to let it happen.

[samantha19]

I completely identify with the negative, worrying thoughts whenever someone does not reply for some time. I am the same. It is *.

I would say for you just now: don't worry about it too much! (Easier said than done though I know.) If she's interested that's great! And if it doesn't turn into something more in time then you are still completely valuable and worthy and maybe it just wasn't the right fit. There are others out there who will be.

[oreo]

thanks samantha19 and sanmagic7,

I am working really hard at not worrying but that means surrendering control and I'm not good at that either!  The funny thing is though, that when I truly do give up trying to control a situation, it is so liberating and positive.  It feels like a 1000 pound weight has been lifted.  My experience also is that most of the time it turns out just fine and like you said if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be.  I need to take comfort in the fact that I am doing my part and the rest is up to powers greater than I.  Thanks to both of you for the positive thoughts and words.