CPTSD new realization and trouble with relationships

[braingurl]

I am 40 yrs old and just found out/realized that I suffered from CPTSD when I was growing up. Not sure when it started, or if, and when it ended.
I was emotionally abused by my father and emotionally abused and abandoned by my mother. I still need to explore this in greater detail, but my father had a terrible temper (got spanked, hit, slapped with a belt etc)...when I was "bad" , and my mother, once my parents got divorced, when I was 7, simply left.
I was left to look after my younger sister..and myself. My older sister had already left home to go to university. During the divorce process, I was in lawyers offices constantly when I was a child always asking to "pick sides" ...ie, who was the worse parent.
My relationship with my father was one of turmoil. I felt like I could never please him. He always seemed angry and that it was my fault. Of the three sisters,  I spent the most time with him because I was the "tomboy". So in some weird way I had a bond with him because of that...but not many of the times were happy. He was always angry with me and rarely gave me positive feedback.
My mother simply left us. After the divorce I feel that she felt that she was free and forgot that she had kids to look after. She went on trips all the time and left me and my younger sister alone. I was no more than 12-13yrs old. I remember being afraid and staying up all night thinking that people were going to break into the house. I had to protect my younger sister though, so I "toughed it out".
I've told her these feelings and her response has always been - "I did the best I could"
I never really received treatment or therapy about those issues. It's important to note that I have huge gaps in my memory from my childhood. I see old pictures of myself and I don't know who that person is. I don't really recall the surroundings in the pictures. I have no memory of most of my early life.
Fast forward to the present - I am in a tumultuous relationship (surprise surprise) with a man. We have been living together for 11-12 yrs, not married, but completely intertwined in life. I love him...but I do believe, that at times,  he is emotionally abusive to me. I recently discovered infidelity on his part...and that triggered the CPTSD reaction in me. It was so strong that it stopped me in my tracks. I've left the house, been to a medical doctor to help with the anxiety and been to a therapist. After we talked, she suggested that I google CPTSD. I had never heard of it and had no idea that I could be suffering from it.
So now I am at the point where I at least have some relief knowing what has been causing these feelings and physiological symptoms...and left with many questions about the future.
Something that I read on the net says that people with CPTSD need to (but don't and do the opposite) avoid people that cause secondary victimization in the form of repetition compulsion.
Where we, people with CPTSD, actively seek out partners that are exactly like the people that caused our CPTSD in the first place. Sounds perverse, but apparently there is some deep seeded need to get closure on this so we seek out someone that exhibits the same characteristics (I.e emotionally abuses us) so that we can "fix" them.....to totally heal. In fact, some , namely Harville Hendrix (not sure if he is a psychologist or psychotherapist or what?) suggest that our unconscious soul will only accept complete healing within ourselves by being with someone who is similar to the person who originally hurt us. In other words, we will never find happiness in a romantic relationship until we can be with someone like our original abuser, go through the turmoil again, but, with the help of the abuser, heal. At this point, for me, this seems impossible. I don't know if the man I am with would admit that he is emotionally abusive and be willing and prepared to seek the help to help me? Seems insurmountable. I haven't broached the subject with him yet. I am waiting until I discuss this with my therapist.
And the other thought of course, is that, once I get therapy...and help...and have better self -worth , that I will not accept emotional abuse from my partner and it will be over. Right now -  I don't want it to be over though.
But does that mean that I continually repeat the cycle? I don't know.
I would like to know if anyone out there has any experience with this and has any thoughts or advice?
Thank you

[radical]

You may well have issues that left you vulnerable to abuse, but you are not responsible for abuse, otherwise it wouldn't be abuse but a lifestyle choice.  That is my opinion as someone who has experienced abused as a child and in adult relationships.  What I wanted was to love and be loved.  However, abusive behaviour seemed normal, I wasn't able to judge healthy or unhealthy behaviour. I didn't learn about boundaries as a child, and I have had very low self-esteem.

I'm working on all these and other personal issues, however I do not take responsibility for another's abuse towards me.  Burglars choose houses according to what they want to steal and their perceived ability to get away with it.  They don't try to burgle police stations during staff meetings.  Some people are more vulnerable, that makes abuse worse imo.

I'm sorry you've been hurt both as a child and as an adult.  Welcome to the board

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi braingurl  and welcome 

Quite a history you have had, and how hard it is to be confronted again with it through your current relationship. 
Congrats on having a therapist you trust and who has put you on the path to explore cPTSD, which appears to be a 'fit' for you.
I hope, wish and trust this site and community will be of aid to you in your recovery process, and you may discover which elements of cPTSD fit your personal experience. Having a therapist with an understanding of cPTSD will probably be of great help too.

Where we, people with CPTSD, actively seek out partners that are exactly like the people that caused our CPTSD in the first place. Sounds perverse, but apparently there is some deep seeded need to get closure on this so we seek out someone that exhibits the same characteristics (I.e emotionally abuses us) so that we can "fix" them.....to totally heal. In fact, some , namely Harville Hendrix (not sure if he is a psychologist or psychotherapist or what?) suggest that our unconscious soul will only accept complete healing within ourselves by being with someone who is similar to the person who originally hurt us. In other words, we will never find happiness in a romantic relationship until we can be with someone like our original abuser, go through the turmoil again, but, with the help of the abuser, heal. At this point, for me, this seems impossible. I don't know if the man I am with would admit that he is emotionally abusive and be willing and prepared to seek the help to help me? Seems insurmountable.

As far as I have understood during my years long (ongoing) recovery process, is that the jury is still out on this. Certain 'schools' of therapists/psychologists hold the view Harville Hendrix seems to be part of, while others advocate something that's rather the opposite. I'm far from an expert on this.
By and large many people here have found Pete Walker's approach (http://www.pete-walker.com) valuable. His concepts of the Abandonment Depression and re-parenting oneself hint IMHO to an opposite approach: In case we do seek out a partner who is similar to our original abusers (out of 'familiarity' with the 'type') this partner cannot help us heal, just as our abusers could not.
It's an Inner Job, and a very personal one, specifically 'tailored' to our needs that were neglected or otherwise abused by our original abusers.

There are quite some threads on these subjects, so feel free to look around.
NB: OOTS does not adhere to any 'school', so please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, opinions and/or validation you find in Harville Hendrix's or other's writings or talks. Our recovery processes are to a large degree an 'exploration' of many avenues. We are a diverse community, each on our own individual path, with our individual pasts, presents and futures.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

PS: please check out our Guidelines for All Members and Guests that are here to keep this a safe place for you and all other members.

[braingurl]

Thank you radical and dutch uncle for your thoughts, insights and advice - I appreciate it very much.
I am finally calm after days and days of acute turmoil. I am not sure what the future holds for my spouse and I but I do feel that at least I have some explanation for my defensiveness and irrational and conflicting behaviour (at times). I am still an awesome person and I believe that my partner knows this...just that we do not, at the moment, and haven't for a couple years...have an intimate emotional connection. This is what I seek to reclaim.
He is in pain too....and I need to recognize this...hopefully on the way to a loving and fulfilling relationship for both of us. In the meantime, I am working with the therapist to deal with my inner critic and childhood circumstances that causes this.
Thank you again, this website has truly been a huge support for me.