Hello

[tea-the-artist]

Hello everyone. You can call me Tea and a 23 year old kinda-freelance illustrator.

I wrote a huge thing of text trying to "introduce myself" but I'm not even sure what's the right approach. Honestly, I just can't say.

I used to be rather outgoing, typically happy, but nowadays I wonder if that's because of the emotional abuse/neglect from my parents (and now, recently realizing, my brother too?). I don't even know if I truly have CPTSD or any mental illness at all. I don't exactly have any resources. Maybe I'll just talk about my family? And how things affect me? I'll try to be short, but I just don't like not getting the chance to cover all the details.

My dad is very egotistical...narcissistic. He goes from 0 to 100 very quickly over petty things, making it always difficult to approach and ask him for or about things. Sometimes I decide I don't want to hang out with friends because I'm too uncomfortable asking or letting him know that I want to go out. He's previously (middle and high school) read through my journals, and confronted me angrily about negative things or swear words I wrote. He's told me repeatedly "I don't care about your feelings," "I don't care if you cry," but has also told me "I don't think you care about your dad." Nowadays, I interact as little as I need to, but I'm still living at home and only go out for work (I don't have a car... surprise..). I often feel like I gotta test the waters and see if he's angry with me because in the past, sometimes I would come home from school and things would seem fine until I get called to my parents room about something I had done/written or didn't realize I had done (or written and left in plain sight trustingly). I definitely haven't learned my lesson, not sure why, as I got in trouble (and subsequently my brother) again, years later, in May.

With my mom, we're fairly close. I don't go to her for problems (emotional or not). I kind of see her as an enabler (probably intimidated victim) since she never challenges my dad and never steps in strongly whenever he's verbally and emotionally abusing my brother for the effects of having a stutter, which he can't control. We goof around sometimes. I don't have much to say except I dislike when she says my dad can't be changed. I never understand that... I know he cant be changed, but it makes me sad we have to deal with the consequences.

My brother, we were super close. Like two peas in a pod really. Even though he's 29, we were pretty much best friends, I guess I was the only one who still stuck by him when his stutter developed (his middle school years, I was maybe 7 or 8 ). Not very emotionally close, but he vented to me frequently since I was maybe... in middle or high school? We mostly goofed around though. Last year on his bday, he thanked me for hanging with him when our parents stayed in the living room and I was confused, being thanked for doing something normally that I know he deserves. Unfortunately, I guess I started drifting last year when he first told me "whatever it is you're feeling, it doesn't matter" when I was having a meltdown after being told I was just like our dad for not responding perkily like I normally did (I was having a bad day). And then again, a few months ago. Then a month ago, when I just got tired of talking, he confronted me like usual asking why I didn't speak, I tried to be open and honest and said that when he says things like that, and when he brings up his bad situation, implying he has it worse and my problems dont exist or mean anything, it makes me feel worthless. It was quite baffling... he continued to bring up his own problems. I think he literally started with "but see in my case..." and by the end, he had dominated the conversation, I spoke maybe 1% of the time. I think he thinks it's resolved...He's stopped venting, and maybe that's why I feel rather crummy lately. Like my job to be there for him.. isn't there.

Well... now here I am. In the last year, I've been just all over the place emotionally. I can't find any ways to cope that aren't unhealthy/maladaptive (like watching TV just to ~not think~ about anything or daydream... I can't explain that one.. not quite yet I suppose). Sorry I couldn't even say who I am. I used to be really outgoing but I'm not sure... I feel like it came from the trauma because that's what my family needed to see from me, that I needed to be emotional support for my brother and always have a cheery face so he feels OK.

Sorry this turned out to be so long! I feel I have even more to say but maybe I will post in a different topic or thread! I hope this sounded alright and made any sense!  I've found this site pretty helpful in me figuring out what's going on and what might be happening to me (and happening in my mind). Please take care!

[Wife#2]

Welcome, Tea.

This is a great place to begin sorting everything out. I know, believe me I know, how confusing all this can be.

You sound like you still have that energy and that friendly personality hidden up under all that caution. It does sound as if hiding your true self may have been a great coping tool, maybe even for years. However, since you and your brother are both adults now, you get to learn that you don't 'owe' him a certain kind of response. You owe yourself the freedom to be whomever you turn out to be!

Peek around, read others' posts. See what resonates. You can post or not post. Whatever feels comfortable to you.

I am glad that you have chosen a pseudonym that you like. It's best to keep the identifying details to a minimum. This IS an open forum where anyone can come and read at their leisure. But, fear not! Your personality did shine through even with the few words you've used here. You don't have to give details for us to understand, sympathize and support you.

[tea-the-artist]

Hello! Thanks for the welcome Wife#2. To be honest, I think that personality is hidden too, or only comes out if I need to hang with friends. Or something. I've definitely been told before I don't owe my brother anything, and I do agree. I guess it's just a lot of guilt, feeling like I'd abandon him if I decided to put myself first and move out if I ever could move out.

I'll definitely be taking a better look around (today's my first day in the forum, but I've been reading many of the glossary and other resource/info pages on the site.

Oh also.. um.. I think I was a bit confusing? I guess when I said I couldn't say who I am, I meant.. I'm not sure "who" that is? Not that I'm scared to be revealed (though, sure I am?) but more so I just cannot verbalize "who I am" as a person. I think I've copied a lot of minor behavior I thought was appealing over the years and combined it into "me" but I think that's false. Hopefully, looking around, I might find someone else who relates to that. Feeling like, trauma has literally created me and developed me, but that "me" isn't the Right Me, if that makes sense.

But thank you very much for the support!

[Wife#2]

 

Your authentic you is in there somewhere. I think you are right that the personality traits you show when you feel safest (around friends, etc) is more likely the 'real' you.

I'm the one who can't say it right LOL. I just meant don't give info that, God forbid your father finds his way here, he figures out Tea is his daughter, you know?

Sadly there are a lot of Narc Dads raising two kids, and he'd have to self-identify as a Narcissist to know it's him, hopefully.

Anyway, welcome. We're glad you are here, even while we hate the reasons that caused the cPTSD.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tea,

glad you made it here.  i can relate to not knowing who i've been for many, many years.  the chameleon complex - whatever personality was needed for the situation, that's the one i put on.  along the way i'd sort of figured out who the real me is, but then i had a lot of people in my life who wanted me to be different, so i felt like i was always battling.  it's taken me time and work, but i'm now comfortable in my skin, comfortable with who i am, and loving it!

so, posting here may help you figure all that out - it's helped me a lot.  best to you on your journey. 

[tea-the-artist]

Your authentic you is in there somewhere. I think you are right that the personality traits you show when you feel safest (around friends, etc) is more likely the 'real' you.

I'm the one who can't say it right LOL. I just meant don't give info that, God forbid your father finds his way here, he figures out Tea is his daughter, you know?

Sadly there are a lot of Narc Dads raising two kids, and he'd have to self-identify as a Narcissist to know it's him, hopefully.

Anyway, welcome. We're glad you are here, even while we hate the reasons that caused the cPTSD.

I'm glad you think so! And yeah I definitely won't be doing that. I think one of my issues is remembering, so I'm going to make a real effort to make things general, change names, etc (I read in the guidelines to change names of people in life if we choose to reference them). Thanks again for the welcome!

hey, tea,

glad you made it here.  i can relate to not knowing who i've been for many, many years.  the chameleon complex - whatever personality was needed for the situation, that's the one i put on.  along the way i'd sort of figured out who the real me is, but then i had a lot of people in my life who wanted me to be different, so i felt like i was always battling.  it's taken me time and work, but i'm now comfortable in my skin, comfortable with who i am, and loving it!

so, posting here may help you figure all that out - it's helped me a lot.  best to you on your journey.

ah I'm glad someone else relates to that, sanmagic! it's strange, I only noticed it recently, and felt kind of embarrassed. copying rather "pointless" or even day-by-day ~essences~ if that makes sense. Not sure how to word that specifically, but of course there's the Me At Home and the Me who sort of feels safe with friends. but that's really great things have changed for you and you love that and are comfortable! *thumbs up*

hopefully I can get some more strength to post, kind of struggling with validation and don't really want to talk too long or be wordy. I was thinking about starting journaling (again, but here) and really trying to focus on some things and really be committed even though I'm still living at home. thanks for the encouragement!