Sandstones journal *triggers*

[Sandstone]

I read someones journal yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes as i could relate. 
My 'good days' didnt last so long. My fibromyalgia has flared again, constant aches and pains. Havnt brushed my teeth for two days. I also realise that i have done nothing but eat crap for the last week or so. And when i say eat i mean constantly eat, one thing after another. I feel like im just going round and round in circles. Im so tired i sleep through the day, then i get restless legs through the night. My bf is still drinking lots at the weekends.
I will stick to my courses though.

I cant start anything.  I have so many books i want to read, i keep trying to write but can find my motivation.  I want to learn to do calligraphy bought the stuff but again just cant be bothered. The house needs cleaning and all i keep saying to myself is i cant be bothered. I wonder whats going on underneath that.

On this forum i always feel like i have nothing to offer anyone. Everyone else seems to get along really well and just click with each other. I never manage to do or say the right things. Jeez feeling sorry for myself again. 
Everywhere i go i just dont seem to fit in or belong.
Well im havinga good cry now so maybe thats what was needed.

I know its a slow process to healing and i do feel a little stronger so its not all bad. I suppose this is the 2 steps back part of the journey.

I genuinely dont know where i am on the scale of cptsd. I know realistically theres no such thing but. ... i dont know how deep my symptoms are, i know others have had things so much worse whichis heartbreaking. And yet i struggle so much.
Im quite sure i mainly live in my head. Intellectualise things.
I just cant seem to consolidate all the tools to make things easier.

One thing i love about this group though is there are no expectations.  We all fall by the wayside from time to time but everyone just supports you anyway. we dont have to be a certain place of recovery at any time. Thats nice.

Thats another of my problems. If i have to do something,  i wont. Even to my own detriment. This goes back to being a teenager and i never went went to school.  Because i had to i wouldn't.  Which got me chucked out of friends and families homes. wonder where that comes from too.

Hopefully i can explore all this with my new t.